I'm lost and it kills me inside

Hi @Paralyzed, welcome back!

Sounds like you have been through a lot and recognized the importance to voice your story.

We hope you find the connections and support you deserve here, and that you find the tribe that you seek.

We look forward to seeing you around on the forums!

Hello @Academica and thank you for taking the time to read my post and for your kind words and support.
I am 45 years old now, and my trauma exposure started in utero, and we know that the body keeps the score and stores it, and now I am at full capacity.
I only learned last year during a hospital admission, that I have little to no self-worth, and I was surprised by that but it makes sense and explains certain behaviours and self-sabotaging. I know at this point, I have no self-worth and I don't like to use this word, but I 'hate' myself and looking in mirrors has been challenging because I don't recognise the person staring back at me, so I avoid it if I can.
I have tried just about every clinical and holistic treatment that are recommended and supported by health professionals to help people like me and I will say that some have worked but most have been unsuccessful. I believe the treatment I need to start healing, is inner child work aka IFS (internal family systems), and a few others I think might be beneficial. I have C-PTSD, DID, sensory issues - touch, sound and smell, major anxiety and depression, emotional detachment, a prelim test which has confirmed the likelihood of autism, hypervigilance and when my mind and body become overloaded, I can go into a shutdown/freeze response, and this will last for up to 7 days. A loved one told me recently that they have been preparing themselves and accepted that they are going to lose me to suicide. Well, that was sad to hear but they were simply stating the facts and being honest with themselves and me.
I feel like I am rambling, so I will stop typing and look at facing my day ahead. Thanks for listening.

"I'm fighting for my soul right now, fighting for my soul right now,
I'm tired but I won't back down, tired but I won't back down.'

Lyrics by Lucidious - Won't Back Down

Hey @Academica

I have had a big improvement in my mental health with being able to get some self worth.

We are all here together and doing our best to go through the maze of life. We are all worth love compassion and understanding.

Judgement is very harmful. Hope you love yourself and don't judge yourself negatively.

I have read all of your post and feel for you the struggles you are having and send you hope and love. I just hope it can put a bit of hope in your soul and you get to your appointment

@Paralyzed Have read all your post😪. I can only respond with none of us know each other, but we all care. Spill your guts here, so to speak, whenever you need. Theres plenty of us reading your stuff, and are here for you. Breeeathe.

@Paralyzed hello. Firstly I want to acknowledge your strength in reaching out for support that's not an easy thing to do when you are struggling so much. It's great that you are in the process of seeing a psychologist and i hope you find that helpful.

I can relate to so much of what you have said both in this post and your one further down. I'm sorry to hear of the passing of your mum and that would have had such a big impact on you in itself without having other things going on. I too have been hospitalised many times and also had a suicide attempt right at the beginning of this year (i didn't want to see the new year in). But I'm still here and I'm still trying to find a way to fight through this.

It's great that you have an understanding of your mental health and that you recognise that you need extra support right now to get through.

I also have no self worth and hate myself and seeing myself in mirrors so much so that I feel physically sick when I do. You have a long list of diagnoses as do I and treatment can be hard as each diagnosis needs to be dealt with in a different way. That's hard to hear from a loved one that they are preparing themselves and have accepted that they will lose you to suicide, but I really believe that if you can get that crucial help that you need right now you can get through this.

Please know that you are not alone here and I hope you can get the support you need. Take care of yourself and take things one step at a time. I'm around if you want to chat about anything.

@Glenn942 @Academica I too have had some self love self worth success. My mirror has been helpful. @Academica have you tried looking into your eyes and talking kind words at yourself, and meaning them. Stay there a while. Maybe pull a face. Try and smile or, once you get going you might even laugh coz it seems so ludicrous.

Hi @Dizzy4 thank you for your message. I just read all of the recent comments and I couldn't hold back the tears. I am still crying as I type this and it feels good. It is very rare for me to cry, which leaves my mind and body in more distress, as it can't release the pain and discomfort. I am grateful for you. I have no one in my life that I can talk openly with, and I have given up trying due to past experiences. I have been triggered by many people, after confiding in them and then they do what most do and give me a few 'positivity' quotes that they probably saw while scrolling through Facebook haha I also love it when they tell me that all I need is, sunshine, exercise, connection, eat healthy and that will fix all my problems.

🤗 😊

@Paralyzed thanks for responding back. Cry away..yay. Wld love to hear about when you next have a laugh about something. Keep in touch.

Hi @Former-Member

I just replied to another message, and the tears had stopped by the end of my reply. Then I read over yours again, and the floodgates opened again. But mate, I must say it is so very welcomed, and I can feel some of the pain leaving my body.

Thank you so much for taking the time to message or are they comments? haha! Your words and support truly mean the world to me. Why can't I find people like yourself in real life? I have honestly given up on human connection because it's just not worth the extra pain and suffering. All of my interactions are online, and I am lucky that I do have a handful to chat with, but with all of them abroad, the time

zones make it difficult to catch up as often as I would like.

My heart goes out to you, and I commend you on your strength. Living in a constant state of survival is exhausting, and no one should have to go through life just trying to survive. I am glad that you are still with us. May we both find a way out of the darkness and some light.

Go from surviving to thriving. We need to build a life from which we don't need to escape.

I am grateful for your existence. 😊

I listen to music every day. It's my therapy, and a song just came on that is called Brave Soul by ILLENIUM. It's about their personal experience of losing a loved one to suicide. my younger brother shared it with me, and he said, 'I don't ever want to feel this way, so please don't leave me in this world without you!' My younger brother and I share music almost daily, and it's my primary way of communicating if I need to express myself to a loved one.

@Dizzy4, you will be the first to hear about it when that laughter happens!

I have a unique, dry and sometimes dark sense of humour, and some people don't get me......

Puns, classic and dad jokes, and one-liners.........I am a punny kind of guy 😂

'What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator' LMFAO 🤣

Also, I just wanted to let everyone know that I limit screen time. I have been practising this for years, and although I can be slow to respond, I usually pick a day to catch up.