I'm lost and it kills me inside

I haven't been active on here since 2022, and here I am at 1:43 am Thursday morning.

So much has happened in my life since 2022, but I am just going to talk about where I am in this very moment. I will keep this one brief and I would like to try and be a more active member.

I woke up yesterday afternoon, at about 2:30 pm, in an absolute fright. I had passed out from exhaustion early that morning, because I had another relapse with my drug of choice. I had a very important appointment at 11:30 am, and I had an alarm set too but that didn't do anything to wake up my exhausted mind, body and soul. The appointment was for an initial session with a psychologist. I was lucky enough to get another appointment for this Friday morning. I have done a lot of online research and I am talking weeks to find this psychologoist and it is crucial that I get to the appointment and find out if they are able to help me. Finding a psychologist and one who can actually provide me with the treatment I need, because for me, this is a matter of survival.

Over the past year my mental health has really taken a beating and the past month or two, it is declining at a pace that scares me. January 2024, my mum passed away and this brought me to my knees and I went into self-destruction mode and it felt like my soul had left my body, and I think it left me, to go and find and be with my mum. A few months later, I was in hospital for drug rehab and intensive mental health treatment. I have had four or more hospital admissions since September 2023. My last admission was September 2024, after another failed attempt of self-harm to end the pain and suffering by ending my life.

I managed to make it through the christmas and new year period, and I enjoyed spending time with my loved ones. After the first few weeks of January passed by, I have been suffering in silence and the silence is deafening. I am probably more numb than I have ever been in the past, and I may not feel the internal pain or know what thoughts are going through my mind but I know that I am in agony and I need it to stop.

Time is crucial because I am uncertain how much longer I can continue the daily fight to survive.

If anyone reads this, thank you and in regards to what I need and why I posted, I am not entirely sure. I have a wealth of knowledge and understanding about mental health and my self-awareness regarding my own mental health and diagnoses, is very good.

I am trying to find my tribe, my people......people who get me, can relate, don't want to fix me, and are free of judgement. I have no friends, i only leave my home if its absolutely necessary and I honestly do not crave connection.

Be kind to yourself, and others.......Stay safe and take care.

P