Don’t want to accept the pain

When will it get easier?

I want to know what I’ve done wrong to end up like this. I certainly don’t want to stay here, but I don’t know how to get out. I don’t want to be consumed by these thoughts. I don’t want to be weak. I’ll leave if my posts are diverting from recovery-orientation

you have done NOTHING to deserve this @creative_writer i'm so sorry that those thoughts/feelings have been so heavy and persistent - but it does not mean you deserve it. you are so strong for being here, for fighting on and trying your best. i wish you didn't have to feel this pain, i'm sitting with you 💜

how are you keeping yourself safe tonight?

@rav3n maybe time will tell what went wrong. Something cracked within me around last week. I’ve been having more frequent flashbacks, so maybe there has been a built up. I don’t feel like I can easily turn to people in my life when the trauma thoughts kick in. I wish I had someone, but we only have to make do with what we’ve got.

Additionally, I ran out of saffron. I don’t even consume a lot, but I think I would put it in my tea to soothe my anxiety to some extent. That is bit of a question mark on whether it may have impacted my mood significantly since I take it in food quantities as opposed to supplement. I got more this week.

@creative_writer do you reckon it could be anything hormonal contributing to the sudden increase in flashbacks? it's so hard when you feel like there's no one you can 'release' the built up thoughts/feelings with, and i imagine having it all inside would make it hard focus on other things too. you've always got the forums fam, but i do get that there's limits with an online platform vs talking to someone in real life - you deserve that type of support too. i'm not sure if i've asked you this before, but have you tried support groups? like the online one's where you can have your cameras off and stay anonymous?

i'm not too familiar with how saffron effects the body, it could defs be a possibility that the change in routine around it could've made some impact! i think sometimes having our go-to food/drink/activity provides our mind with comfort, and changes in that could possibly make us a lil irritable or uncomfortable? glad you've stocked up tho, hope it helps soothe you.

@rav3n I honestly don’t know what happened. I’ve become a bit more attuned with my body, but the process has been very uncomfortable. I’ve been carrying this pain for so long. Sometimes I just want comfort, just comfort. I don’t always need words. Sometimes I’m scared to admit I suffer from SI. I had a friend text me to check in with how I was feeling. I couldn’t tell her how dark things had been, I know I could’ve, but then, I have no idea if she’ll be able to read between the lines.

Helplines can be a hit or miss. When I reached out for support I felt worse. However, I felt better when I reached out for support earlier in the week, probably because of the counsellor I got. I think sometimes people don’t realise people just need space to talk instead of jumping into solutions immediately without hearing the person out. I personally feel like you need to hear the person out before you can make suggestions. Even then the process must be collaborative.

I’ve gone to zoom support groups with camera off? It can be helpful being able to talk to others who have their own mental health struggles

@creative_writer comfort is so important to get too. your friend checking-in on you sounds like she picked up on you struggling recently? have you known this friend for long? it is hard to communicate, especially when we're on the edge. i know that when i've tried to reach out, i was almost cryptic about it which meant my friends didn't pick it up and it made me feel like nobody cared... but then i later realised that they didn't pick up on it cos they were never taught to and never experienced that type of low where you feel stuck. if your friend doesn't read between the lines, please know that doesn't mean they don't care!!

i'm with you on the collaborative nature of support, it's so so important!! oh amazing, cos i think i remember you mentioning that in-person support group worries you because of potentially seeing people from your community? so i was just checking if you've tried online ones instead - do you do them often?

also p.s. i've added some content warning for a part of your post

@rav3n I met her in 2022. I didn’t realise how long it had been, it doesn’t feel like I met her more than 3 years ago. I met her through my course. I was definitely not going to hold it against her if she didn’t read between the lines. I may be a bit poetic, sometimes it feels safer to say things indirectly than directly. I am also aware that it can make it harder to get your needs met. Not everyone is perceptive.

Directive therapy has never worked for me. I may have once had a very directive therapist, I found it very unhelpful. I just don’t work that way.

It can be hard coming from a cultural background where gossip is the norm. It infuriates me how envious and spiteful some people can be. We should be building each other up, not down. This leg pulling isn’t okay. I haven’t done one for a bit, might try to schedule an online support group session next week

@creative_writer i get the feeling that maybe she's get it? 3 years is a long time! even saying things in a poetic manner or indirect way is start - and that counts for something. so fair if directive therapy wasn't for you, we all have our own preferences and way of learning/healing - it's definitely helpful to know what doesn't work.

i hear you!! there's a similar gossip culture in a few my communities too, and it's really frustrating when things turn into a comparison game or when people judge/scrutinise things that are 'normal' or simply 'human'. i hope that the newer generation can take on that 'building each other up' mindset instead. i gotta hop off soon, please take care of yourself and i hope you get to enjoy some saffron matcha on the weekend 💜

@rav3n I think I'm too scared, I sort of test people before jumping in and telling them about what's happening inside me.

The gossip culture is real, I do also hope that the new generation changes in. There is way too much competition and I don't think social media helps. I keep my social media profile low. I don't wish to incite jealousy. My life is far from being perfect, but people do not always realise. I hope you were able to rest up last night 💜.

TW: Suicide
I did not sleep well last night even with the PRN, and it hasn't helped with agitation. The SI is torture and intense, I am growing tired, I want to act on it but I can't seem do it. I know I wasn't in the mental capacity to do training online modules today, but I pushed through with it. I know it probably worsened the thoughts. I have my pdoc appointment on Friday to discuss my meds. I've found that I've had to increase my antipsychotic dosage with time because I keep becoming tolerant to it 😞