Don’t want to accept the pain

@rav3n it is true they don’t stay forever. I do acknowledge my experience has shaped me and allowed me to grow. But I fear there will be people who see me as damaged goods. I think that’s why romantic relationships scare me so much, it’s the fear of being judged and seen less worthy. Some guys may want a girl who hasn’t had any prior sexual experiences. Additionally I may also get triggered, I feel like I’m harder to love.

I guess capacity is one of those things that changes with time. I just hope I see changes with time

@creative_writer you're not alone in those fears. it's definitely hard not to think and worry about those things when one part of you feels 'damaged' and the other part of you is trying to heal from that label.

if anyone judges you for your trauma, if they think you're 'damaged goods' - they're not the sort of people that should be welcome in your life anyways. you deserve someone who SEES you and values you. i can't promise it'll be easy to find, but i can promise that there are people out that are capable of respecting you and understanding you.

you've dealt with hard things, doesn't mean you're hard to love.

i have to head off real soon, take care and please take it easy. wishing you a restful weekend 💜

@rav3n healing is a work in progress. I wish I didn't put as much weight on other people's opinions, but I struggle. I hope you have a restful weekend 💜.

Maybe I am burnt out from today. I've taken PRN to ease things, I sort of feel hollow right now. I feel like I've lost too much. I can't get back what has been stolen

I’m exhausted, SI isn’t as intense but still there. I can’t help but feel that people would be better off without me. I don’t know how I’ll ever heal my damaged soul. I’m safe

Hey @creative_writer I'm really sorry to hear that these thoughts are coming up right now. Thank you for letting us know that you're safe.

Is there anything that would help to make you feel a little safer at the moment?

@Ru-bee I’ve already taken PRN to ease the intensity. I probably just need lots of self care and rest right now. I have a really bad migraine, I feel faint when I get up.

I don’t know what else to do. I just want to cry, I feel really low. I’m overwhelmed by feelings of grief. Once you lose a part of yourself, you never get it back. You just have to learn to live with the pain. I’m not sure if it ever stops hurting

Maybe having a good cry would be good @creative_writer, like opening a valve and releasing some pressure? What self-care feels available to you right now?

Yeah I don't know if grief is something that stops hurting, maybe we grow more able to manage the pain in time, but I don't know if it goes completely

@Ru-bee my left eye still feels uncomfortable, I don’t know if crying will just irritate it more. Still getting goop (it is digusting) on the corner of my eye, I have antibiotics for it. The tears aren’t coming either. Like I need a release, but don’t know how to release it.

I’m at home tonight, I couldn’t get myself to go out for dinner, I feel too weak. Even too weak to get my clean laundry from the machine. I’m going to try some prayers, might listen to something relaxing and try to breathe. I also in bed resting.

I feel this discomfort in my body which is amplifying the feelings of grief. It’s a gross feeling and hard to ignore. I think my mind is starting to disassociate to cope

Ohhh that sounds uncomfortable @creative_writer I hope it clears up soon

Have you felt okay enough to eat at home?

It sounds like you've got some good self-care options, good to hear you're resting too

@Ru-bee I hope the eye thing clears up because the next stage would be surgery to get the small cyst removed.

I’ve had something to eat. I just didn’t go out with my family for dinner because I felt too weak to leave the house.

I think I do need rest a lot of self care. I am starting to become sort of numb