Don’t want to accept the pain

Would also encourage looking into volunteering @creative_writer! Looks really good on a resume and helps with getting experience under your belt 😉

Hope your night meds do the trick hun. Rest well, catch you next time 💜

@Jynx I’ve already applied to volunteer, though I need to get through training first to start volunteering.

I’m not as agitated right now, mostly drained and feel a bit faint. I have been home most of the day. I hope today has been kind to you 💖

@creative_writer oh neat!! I would love to know where but only if it wouldn't compromise your anonymity!!

Got foiled in my attempt to go get eggs today lol so I'm all cranky and eggless. How you doing? I hope you're getting some solid horizontalling going to help with the faintness!!

@Jynx it’s a pretty big helpline with lots of volunteers, so probably would give much away by saying it’s Lifeline. I don’t start training until next month.

Sometimes small things really do affect your mood. I get annoyed if I am not able to get what I want during a meal, I thought I was weird. I am weird, I sort of plan my meals in a way. My ASD gets the best of me.

I am exhausted, had a Centrelink thing to do earlier today so had to leave the house. Since then, I haven’t been able to do much. My abdomen is hurting, that reminds me, I need to stop procrastinating my toilet. Us ND do strange things sometimes.

I am also missing our neighbour’s furbaby. She used to come to our backyard regularly. They gave her away to the children’s granny and got a new kitten. Even the orange cat who comes sometimes is sad. He may have had a crush on her lol. He would chase her and pee in places she went. But she rejected him 😂. I think we are getting closer to adopting a cat ourselves

Oh nice @creative_writer!! That will give you some very solid experience! Honestly I think helpline experience is invaluable because maybe more than any other type of service, it's the type where you're gonna get the broadest scope of types of clients/callers, which then translates to being useful experience for a wider variety of services!

Hahaha yeah or the good old "I'm going to sort my meal into sections from least to most delicious so that my final bite is the best bite and I swear to all that is Holy if my last bite isn't THE BEST BITE IN THE WHOLE WORLD I AM GONNA -" 😡

😆

Honestly, one of the best choices I have made is to decide that weirdness is an incredibly desirable quality. I've been called weird my entire life, and I had two choices - let it destroy me, or make it my armour. Weirdness is more fun anyway, I've found!!

Aww!! Yeah sucks when you lose a little ritual part of your day, like watching the neighbour's kitty! OMG pls do adopt a kitty (y'know cos, I should definitely be having input on THAT decision 😝) cos they're the CUTEST and then we can share kitty pics all the time!!

@Jynx helplines can be very good experience. I am also praying that I get a job too and it's something that works for me. I hate having to rely on Centrelink for my finances.

I also love leaving the best bite to last. The food needs to be the right taste and texture or I will struggle to eat it.

I've been called weird my whole life too, probably because I was too ND for other kids. I feel like I went to high school at a time ND wasn't as recognised as now. Maybe one day I will be able to embrace it.

Kitties are so cute, even they way they behave. they are so cute even when they are angry and throwing toddler tantrums

@creative_writer yeah it's soooo stressful hey!! Especially with all the hoops they make ya jump through!

Yep gotta be the right texture hey!! Such a big one!

You will!! I mean there's always gonna be frustrations for us hey, but yeah tbh the weird ones have always been my favs. I've no doubt you'll find a lil deck of weirdos too, and all those traits that were shamed for so long are suddenly seen as just... normal behaviours. It's big relief.

Hahaha kittens getting big mad is the BEST!!

@Jynx it is. I know graduate jobs are starting to appear and they often hire in March/April. I’m hoping something turns ups. It is stressful feeling limited in what I can do. Like it wouldn’t be reasonable for me to work 9-5 Monday-Friday. I can’t go into work to only get burnt out.

Texture has always been a big one for me. I couldn’t stomach liver due to its texture.

I created social rules over time and have tried living my life with them. It’s just exhausting and no matter what I do I will always appear too different for some people.

Kitties are adorable when angry, they put they back towards you 😂

Maybe it’s just me overthinking this evening. Like I have this resentment which I feel like I shouldn’t have towards my parents. Not their fault. But I wish I was able to go to them when I was struggling and feel supported. They just can’t support me. Sometimes they have been overprotective and imposed their decisions on me, but they were doing it out of love. It’s hard to reconcile. I think a part of me is scared of triggering my mum because she has been triggered during arguments with my dad. I feel like she has gotten triggered by me too and I have been blamed for it. I feel responsible. Like when I spoke about how lonely I was feeling, she started talking about her loneliness. Then it brought grief for her, and she blamed me for triggering grief for losing grandpa

@creative_writer Tell me more about these social rules you created?

(Please take this as the compliment that it is) OMG that is so incredibly autistic ahaha I love it

I'm gonna be logging off around 8 tho just FYI!

Also re: your parents... I think sometimes we kinda can make space for two conflicting things to both be true. Like, it is both true that your parents were acting out of love, AND that their actions were incredibly harmful. You're allowed to be both forgiving of their humanness, AND resentful of their harmfulness. Seeing the truth of what happened and making space for the nuance is not dishonouring them.

@Jynx the social rules are around displaying appropriate emotions and behaviour in different circumstances. Rules around what small talk involves (not a big fan of small talk but it must be done). Waiting my turn to speak is another rule I often hate following because I will likely forget what I want to say. I also try to make sure my body language isn’t offensive. I also try to mould myself and behave in ways to make others more comfortable even if it means not being my genuine self, it makes me feel safe but is exhausting.

I find it hard to hold space for two conflicting things in my mind. This is why my brain tries to erase feeling resentful. Maybe it’s something I need to work on.

I will speak to you when you are back. I do hope the sleep fairies pay you a visit tonight 💖