Don’t want to accept the pain

@Ru-bee my mum has never sought therapy for her mental health in the past. I also don’t picture her ever being open to the idea. She doesn’t trust people. I wasn’t even allowed to go into therapy until I was 18 because of the stigma attached.

I still live at home but don’t really talk about my mental health all that much with her. I do think I need to talk to my psych to heal. I never really saw growing up with a parent with mental illness traumatic until adulthood. I get panic attacks if I hear my parents having a heated argument. I guess it’s because some of those heated arguments ended with my mum talking about not wanting to be alive. It’s alarmingly for a child to hear that. I am grateful it a more rare occurrence for my mum to become that overwhelmed

@Jynx I haven’t tried massage guns, I’ll have a look at them. I just have a peanut massage roller, which reminds me that I need to spray and clean it.

She is decent enough for me to see again, it’s still early days, I do hope something comes out of it.

Like I did not notice how much their arguing affected me until one day I noticed a panic attack. Then it occurred to me that something was not right. It took me years, I think I denied it for so long

@creative_writer yeah that's it hey! Such an odd experience too, like that veil is lifted and you go 'huh... maybe I actually dealt with a lotta crap...'

Like recently while I was reading the 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents' there was a section about how they can sometimes feel threatened by their child's success, and will shut it down/diminish it. Suddenly one of my dad's favourite 'jokes' came flying back into my head...

Whenever I did really well at school, he'd always say like 'Oh you'll be as smart as me one day!'

On the surface it doesn't seem like a bad thing to say, but he said it ALL THE TIME. And within it is the message... "You may have succeeded, but I'm still better than you."

So wild realising all of this stuff hey. And totally natural that we would wanna deny it! Cos it doesn't feel nice to think poorly of people who, on the surface, seemed like perfectly capable parents.

@Jynx I think you’re more likely to justify things to yourself when it comes down to people you love.

Like I can justify not being allowed to see a therapist during high school by saying my parents wanted to protect me from stigma. Did they have good intentions? Yes. But was it right to not let your child see a therapist? No. The thing is there have been other times that I had to fight for what I wanted and for them to accept it. Sometimes they were caught in their opinions, they overlooked my point of view. I am not my parents, I am an individual who has a different view of the world. I guess a lot of it comes down to enmeshment. Enmeshment trauma made me into a hyper-independent person and sometimes I don’t even tell my parents my decisions because there are decisions they probably won’t approve. But living in their way of life means silencing the pain and sacrificing myself so much that my cup is completely empty. I can’t do that. I may feel guilty at time from not taking their path, but I have to draw the line to stay functional

So much empowerment in your words @creative_writer it's awesome. It's a tangled web, the path of introspection at times ay!! But I'm seeing you picking your way through it, big kudos!

Also this:

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@creative_writer wrote:
@Jynx I think you’re more likely to justify things to yourself when it comes down to people you love.

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Yep you absolutely nailed it. And with how much emphasis is placed on family ties within so many of our cultures, it's even harder to even entertain the notion that mayyyybe these people aren't good to keep as close relationships anymore. Like I am close with my mum but not close. If I have a crisis, I call my sister first, cos I know mum wouldn't know what to do and would find my distress triggering. And I'm like you, I never told em how much I was struggling. It actually led to something that I now find VERY funny (at the time not so much lol)...

It's a bit complex lol bear w me!!

So when I was at my first uni I got pushed into seeing the psych there. My bestie at the time knew about it. She'd started dating this new fella, who she happened to tell about it. He was roommates with and ended up telling a guy that I knew from my home town - our families were friends. He told his mother, who played tennis with my mother every week!

So here's me, not telling my parents a WORD of my mental health issues for like 5 years, suddenly getting a phone call from mum demanding to know what was wrong and why I needed therapy... I did NOT NEED to be ambushed like that 🤣 and of course it's all "Is it cos I wasn't a good mother?!" and I gotta like, put all my own stuff aside to reassure her. SMH 😆

@Jynx standing up for yourself is exhausting, but you have to do it. I’m no longer a child.

I’m still close with parents, I just leave out aspects of my life. If I was struggling emotionally, I would turn to others instead of them.

I haven’t told many people about my mental health. I get in some places have gossip culture. I couldn’t afford telling most of my relatives about my mental health, it would spark of fire.

It sounds messy with it going to your parents. I hope it didn’t take too much out of you 💖

@creative_writer luckily it was many many moons ago!! But yeah if you have a big gossip culture around it makes it that much harder to keep these things private hey. I lived 10 hours away in a capital city and mum still found out!!

Haha these days though I don't really care as much what she knows of my mental health stuff. I still have a bunch I won't tell her though - but not because of my own shame anymore thankfully! Now it's about the fact that she wouldn't be able to handle knowing certain things about me 😅

It would be absolutely no fun to become 'the talk of the town' - I hope that never happens to ya!!

Also!! I thought I should let you know that I will be away next week. It's my bday on the 25th and I have taken a bit of time off for some adventures! Definitely a hike, and maybe some cheeky antiquing too!! But I'll be back on Monday 3rd March 😋

I shall bid you adieu!! Hope you have a lovely week!! 💜

@Jynx I think it’s fair to have boundaries. It is good you have been able to get to a space where you don’t feel shame around your mental health struggles.

Happy birthday in advanced 💖🫂. I hope the new year brings lots of joy for you. I hope you enjoy your adventures, can’t wait to hear about them. Will speak to you when you are back 💖

I had a rough night sleep and had to take PRN to settle the agitation. My head is feeling pretty heavy. I feel enormous guilt that I am unable to keep trauma to myself but have to talk about it to heal. I fear my parents would’ve preferred if I kept it to myself. They didn’t even want me to get therapy initially due to the stigma associated with mental illness. Stigma exists and the mental health system is broken, but sometimes I feel like I’m not supposed to trust anyone. It makes me wonder whether I’ve done something wrong if it’s wrong to talk about it

It's really understandable that you'd be feeling uncertain about this @creative_writer especially considering your parent's misgivings about therapy.

I think talking about this stuff is always going to be so complicated and difficult, but that doesn't mean that it's wrong.