Don’t want to accept the pain

@rav3n I’ve been putting off reaching out for a long time. I also haven’t had a therapist appointment for some time, I restart therapy next week.

I think I’m going to take a shower, I feel like my clothes smell funny. I’ll feel better once I’m clean. Otherwise the weekend will be filled with lots of self care. I just hope the flashbacks go away. OCD has also be difficult. I sort of get religious OCD kind of thoughts. I feel sinful for trauma even though I know I’m not blameworthy. I know islamically victims are not held responsible

@creative_writer are you restarting therapy with a new therapist? how are you feeling about it?

i hear how trauma and OCD can make it hard to break those unhealthy thought patterns at times. reaching out and going easy on yourself matters a great deal, so do celebrate those wins too. i hope the shower helps you feel better - would maybe even lighting some candles or using incense sticks help?

@rav3n yes it’s a new therapist. I am a little anxious about it but that’s probably normal before the first appointment.

Like I want to not feel so conflicted, but I keep getting opposing thoughts.

@rav3n I accidentally posted before I finished.

I feel a sense of loss of what will never be. My first experience will always be non consensual. I’m not even sure why it hurts so much but it does.

My OCD germ brain is being turned on now too. I don’t know if that’s a coping mechanism too

Hey @creative_writer , what do you think could help to break some of these cycles of possibly unhelpful thinking?

I know we've mentioned it in the past, as it appears that these thoughts are so pervasive.

Any ideas?

@tyme that’s what I am struggling to determine, I’m finding it hard to break free. It’s kind of why I’m going to a specialised psych next week, because I literally don’t know how to move past this.

It’s not that I don’t want to change my thinking. I’m just stuck in a bit of a pull and push situation. I appear to hold opposing beliefs which I know probably doesn’t make any sense. I am finding it hard to resolve these opposing beliefs. I just don’t know if more processing needs to be done. Perhaps I also need help around OCD thoughts too, it’s probably not just cptsd

I'm starting to sense that now too. If you go back and read where you have posted, the thoughts are so pervasive and are similar in nature.

@creative_writer . I'm going to be honest in that therapy and 'treatment' doesn't take away what has happened in the past, but it can help you have a different relationship with them - to make it more bearable. This is part of the research paper I am working on. That is, to look at trauma and how therapies don't necessary remove what has happened, but it can help you better manage.

You deserve to be able to hop off the merry-go-round of thoughts at your own desire as opposed to be 'stuck' in it.

i hear you, i think having those conflicting thoughts can be really exhausting, especially when it keeps popping up again and again. @creative_writer i know this is super easy to say but hard to do - but i personally think that breaking that cycle means actively choosing to believe that you are worthy and deserving of love. choosing to believe that every day and challenging those negative thoughts constantly is hard work, i know that i definitely struggle with it here and there. but it is possible.

i think reframing those unhealthy/negative thoughts can be helpful. for example - if the thought 'i'm a burden on others, i don't deserve help' comes up i'll take a moment to rephrase it as 'i feel low right now. i'm a human being and i deserve help just like any other human being.' i tried to treat my mind like a friend so it's easier to say nice things. i'd never tell a friend 'yeah you are a burden' so treating my thoughts as 'another person' sorta helped me - it sounds silly (and i even thought it was silly for a while) but i do think it makes a difference.

i'll have to head off soon but i'll catch you next time. be kind to yourself and take care 💜

@tyme I feel like I’ve hit a wall and have no idea what to do. I wish I did know how to make it easier, but I don’t. I know realistically you can’t take away what’s happened, but surely it should be easier to break free from these thoughts. I do get doubts and critical self-talk kicks in. Things like I’m too stupid. I’m not trying hard enough. I have been blamed for my own mental health struggles before, even by health professionals. I will say most health professionals never blamed me, but you get the minority who will. The minority who will tell you that you’re too difficult, that you’re manipulative, that you’re making your symptoms up. Do I feel worthy. Of course I don’t. If people treat you poorly (both in your personal and in professional situations), you start to believe you deserve it. You start to believe all you’ll ever be is a damaged and toxic person

@rav3n I do hope over time I’m able to resolve conflict between thoughts. It is true that I ultimately don’t feel worthy and loveable. I hope with time it becomes easier. I hope you have a restful evening 💖