C-PTSD and Childhood Trauma

I’ve avoided relationships as I don’t feel worthy of being loved as thats from childhood trauma. I have a best friend who I let treat me poorly. I do have a small friendship circle that I made in hospital which is nice as we all have varying MH issues and understand each other. As for romantic relationships I have ever really only had one. I asked him if he could see himself loving me and the answer was no. So the unlovable cycle continued. Hence no more romantic relationships.

@JAT @Jynx @hotmess

@Jynx thank you for starting this thread!

Thank you all for being so brave to share and talk about your experience with cptsd.

For those that don't know me I am my husband's support person. He has cptsd from childhood trauma.

For him his go to reaction is defensiveness and retreating himself emotionally which leaves me unloved and rejected.

We are both going to therapy and going to marriage therapy with a psychologist.

One of the things the couple psychologist said to me is that it is not that my husband doesn't love me enough but that he doesn't have the ability to register how things affect others. He lacks that emotional ability. He wasn't hired wired and was never allowed to feel.

This perspective has helped me because I can see that when he is disengaged emotionally he retreats into himself and shuts down emotionally. It's really hard but at least I have another way to look at it now.

Here for you all and thank you for sharing your experiences.

Life is hard but we are all survivors one way or the other. ❤️‍🩹

I don't know what to say but thanks for starting this thread and sharing . I'm still finding my voice.

Hi @Jynx

A good thread.

Diagnosed with C-PTSD and have childhood trauma.

I can relate to so many things said here. It runs so deep. Then when you don't think it could get any worse, more memories surface and you feel like you are back at the start.

"Your life is good, you have nothing to complain about" Words said to me from more than one person. Those memories don't discriminate, they can hit you at any time. Yes from the outside my life looks good, but inside those traumatic events are tearing away a little bit of me at a time.

Even though no one deserves this, connecting with others can help.

I’ve heard that too @Snowie. ‘You’ve got a good job. You’ve got a house’ what’s wrong with you why are you depressed. I’ve heard it quite often. The worst place I heard it was in hospital from another patient.

@Captain24 I'm sorry you had to hear those words. It has nothing to do with you, but more with the others person's issues.

It's hard to hear words like this. They can stick around. Hear it enough and you start to believe them.

I totally agree @Snowie , @Captain24

and it hurts so much like being told " your life is great compared to others " get over it

Sorry but it always appears, reminding me what happened

Hugs @Snowie , @Captain24 , @Dimity

Hugs @Healandlove

@Jynx

@Shaz51

It is hard when people say those words. i dont think they know how much it hurts and adds to our despair.

@Jynx It's strange... As an adoptee, I've recently started digging into the effects it had on many, many adoptees and how it relates to my own issues. Adoptees have always been told to "be grateful", "you were chosen", "you were a baby, so it shouldn't affect you"... etc etc. Our feelings about not fitting in or belonging, not knowing who we are, attachment/bonding issues, and more were always dismissed so many of us hid them. These days there seems to be much more understanding on the trauma that many adoptees live with throughout their lives and the impact it has.

I never thought of it as trauma until recently, I always blamed myself... I was weak, unlovable, just to scared to trust people, broken in some way, and not feeling like I belonged anywhere or close to my adoptive family was all because of these faults. Learning what I have this year about it and talking to a lot of other adoptees, it's become clear a lot of us suffer from the same trauma and continue to struggle to deal with it throughout our lives. Learning about trauma responses and how to work with them has helped me a lot, but it is all still there inside my head. Just a little easier to find some control over it now. And since joining here and talking to people, it seems that so many of us have similar issues stemming from early childhood trauma. Even if it is something seemingly benign such as being an adoptee or having parents who were emotionally unsupportive or distant. It just 'programs' us in a way that is very hard to change!

@MJG017 I think perhaps there's still not a lot of folks who understand just how much of our attachment system gets formed in the first year of life. For children who are adopted out within that period, there is a significant disruption to that development. I think being told "you were a baby, so it shouldn't affect you" would feel like a gut punch, especially if you weren't necessarily aware of this at the time.

@tyme you totally touched on something I was also reading about in this book I'm reading (would highly recommend it, it's very well written - but fair warning it also hits hard!! Linky), the fact that children simply do not know that they're living in a traumatising environment. They don't have any experience of any other kind of relationship, nor do they have the language to be able to describe their experiences. And then comes the ordeal of growing up and having to figure it out on our own...

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories. We hear you. We see you. We all got each other 💜💜

@Snowie @Shaz51 @Captain24 @Dimity @JAT @Former-Member @avant-garde @The-red-centaur @hotmess @Healandlove