Running

Sorry, that was not what I meant.

I didn't meant to add salt to the wound. @avant-garde

@tyme words are very easily misunderstood online and can depend on how it's read. I know I tend to read things defensively, especially in regards to my church because their shortfalls are very obvious when it comes to me and I get easily hurt by their actions because they lack lived experience and understanding. So the concept of reaching out to them, it's not for a lack of trying, it's for a lack of willingness and understanding on their part and right now I can't handle that.

I will never be a priority to them but I will likely also never leave, because I firmly believe that our God is and will continue to use me to reach them because I seem to be a trailblazer in that regard.

I'm going to be sick

I must be nuts

How can I do this?

How the heck can I do this?

They want more detail

But maybe it'll be easier

Who am I kidding

Trauma is never easy

Police is never easy

I can't do this

I can't do this

But I'll hate myself if I don't

I'll hate myself more than I do

So much for healthy adult

Healthy adult doesn't break through my panic

It never has

Settle right?

Settle?

Like telling a kettle to boil

Not seizure territory

Let's at least try and avoid that

Need logic

Logic

Word puzzles

Math puzzles

Ok, get puzzle book

Puzzle book

Puzzle book

...

Hugs @avant-garde . Here for you.

@tyme morning

How are you today? @avant-garde

@tyme feeling misunderstood, alone and hurt

How about you

Hugs @avant-garde . Anything I can do for you? I'm sorry you feel hurt and misunderstood.

@tyme they said they know it's difficult and taxing but they really have no idea.

They had no idea about what baptism was

No idea what church was

No idea about how a Christian church functions

They assumed baptism was this massive gathering where 30-40 would be dunked at the same time

They assumed that the training involved parents and not just the event

They were clueless as to the basic principles of Christianity

And they're asking the person who was abused through it all what the proper processes are.

Where frankly I'm still trying to figure it out myself.

I feel the need to be blatantly honest about my church... well more about a particular person...

I was talking to a friend of mine after the police and I found myself having to justify my lack of "crisis relationships"...

I felt judged and hurt because it's certainly not for a lack of trying.

When messaging a friend after this she was gently honest...

Her: I think if you feel comfortable to then maybe it's a good idea. You are getting a good network of people but yeah everyone lives busy lives and are not always available, so good to have a range of people to turn to.

Me: It's not for a lack of trying, I try and let people in but I find I get met with a lot of walls and people not able to meet up or don't have the emotional energy to hear me, while others are more straight forward and tell me I'm too much for them or they can't handle me

Me: You heard today how much support I have, just because they're not in the church doesn't mean they aren't people I trust and who hear me

Her: Yeah for most people they feel pretty intimated by dealing with big emotions and past trauma. But yeah you are well supported- I guess he is referring to who u can call on in an emergency and this takes time....and both parties (u and them) feeling comfortable and willing and able.

He: I think in general our church community is pretty private and independent in the way we live too- and letting people in takes a lot of time..

Me: I mean (friend) and I have that, every rough day at church, today she was messaging me, last night she was messaging me.

My walls just melt with her

To be fair, I have friends I turn to in crisis and often it's not actually him because he's proven too compartmentalized to know or be able to help me. The friend who took me to the police, she hit a bollard and I had to organise a new Wednesday post police accountability as soon as possible and it would not have been him if I had a choice because he's not a crisis person for me. He's too hit and miss for me to actually rely on, so I just don't.

Even now I've messaged a bunch of times with no acknowledgement.

I have a great support system but when you're given 2 days to organise someone to "babysit" you for the afternoon? It's not enough. I mean even still he left me high and dry 2.5 hours after going into in depth detail with the police when the friend who went with me to the police assured me I could spend the evening with him and his wife.

But if I tell him any of this he gets all hurt and shocked that I feel this way and tells me I overreacted and it's unjustified.

I know they have a lot of their plates, I know he carries a lot, but he says when I get there if I need to say something that I'm welcome to.

He's working. He's on the clock. Of course I'm not going to interrupt him. He's already made it clear that I'm an inconvenience. That I'm not important enough. That I matter only when it's convenient. But he would be "insulted" if I actually said that. And he's the mental health guy.

@Appleblossom