Running

You mean here on the forums @avant-garde or just generally?

Here, it can be good to be wary when asking for hugs, because you may not always get a response, and it's not always going to be quick. Some members are here regularly, others may only pop in once a week, and we can't place those kinds of expectations on people. I know that for myself, sometimes when people request affection it can trigger my PDA, which can create a lot of discomfort. And I also know that when I'm really needing a hug, if I ask and don't receive it can make me feel way worse.

Something my psych taught me was a 'self-hug' - just placing your hand over your heart and holding your chest. It actually works as a simple soothing sensation for me, maybe give it a go?

@Jynx

I did mean here

Just feeling the need for someone to see that it's hard for me right now... probably sounds selfish

@avant-garde I am sorry my post prompted such a response from you.
For 2 years I have been mentoring a young woman with complex mental issues and whenever I suggested something for her to help her issues she would ignore me. If I didn't agree with her or support her negativity and selfishness she would send me an email berating me, telling me how badly I hurt her. I put up with this for 2 years until I finally had enough and told her that I can't deal with her BS anymore. She continued to email me and tell me how bad I was, how "passive-aggressive" I was and basically told me everything she believed was wrong with me. I felt belittled, worthless and useless.

You writing that post triggered me badly. If I hadn't been dealing with this person I no doubt would have answered differently.
I do hope you can forgive me. I have already forgiven you and I still pray for you. I just can't deal with anyone else's complex issues so I have to take a break.
You are much adored and thought of.

Take care and God bless,

Enkeli
❤️🌹💐

@avant-garde I don't think that's selfish, to want to be seen is a very human thing. We all need connection, and part of that is wanting to be accepted for who we are, regardless of our struggles.

I think for me, since I have a preoccupied attachment style, something that I've had to learn is that whilst it is ok to ask for affection, it's not okay to demand it. And when I am outside my window of tolerance, I feel like I need it, meaning I am gonna be extra sensitive to any kind of perceived rejection.

It's happened enough times where I've asked for affection (whilst dysregulated), and I've either a) not gotten it, making me feel worse, or b) have gotten it, but because the other person felt obliged or guilted into it, their gesture then felt hollow, making me feel guilty.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that whilst it is absolutely okay to ask for a gesture of affection, I reckon it's also helpful to remember that you may not get what you're looking for, and be prepared for that. Cos I know for myself that even if it's a very reasonable thing for others to decline my request, it can still ignite that sense of rejection, resulting in me feeling way worse. I definitely don't want that for you 💜

@Jynx

It's been a heck of a week

Anything you want to get off your chest @avant-garde? I know this time of year is particularly challenging for you hun 💜

@Jynx

Therapy tends to open a whole lot of boxes and then kinda leaves them open with the pressure that I have to close them on my own to survive.

1. Gender
2. Virginity
3. Santa
4. Deacon

Then I had peer group and got VERY activated because a new person kept describing areas where she had grown up and the name of the place, the place a lot of my abuse occurred

Then also just seeing all the holiday decorations. And the thread that triggers me on here and that was just Thursday

@avant-garde do you often leave therapy feeling this way? Wondering if it's worth chatting to your therapist about closing the session in a more purposeful way, where you see if you can 'close some boxes' again to help you feel a bit more emotionally safe when you leave.

Are those the boxes that feel open?

Oh that is hard. Is it something you feel comfortable maybe bringing up? Especially if this person is just talking about those places in a casual sort of way.

Mm I imagine even seeing all the houses lit up at night would be challenging. Do you tend to 'hermit' more, this time of year?

@Jynx

The kind of stuff I'm delving into always leaves me in a state of shock normally, there's no 2 ways about it, to settle takes a decent chunk of time.

The dot points are all the things we discussed, the first one was closed within session, the others though still felt open, but because they're still current issues I'm facing (she gave me homework for the second, hence still open). The fourth will close when the elders and deacons have their meeting and when Jehoram* backs the heck off.

Jehoram context:

https://saneforums.org/t5/Social-space/Christian-Chat/m-p/1773643/highlight/true#M493066

https://saneforums.org/t5/Social-space/Christian-Chat/m-p/1774024/highlight/true#M493211

I brought it up with the PSW afterwards, they weren't going to leave me on the verge of panic.

And yes I hermit more this time of year

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@avant-garde wrote:

Please don’t receive this email in a controlling manner"

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Reminds me of a line in the TV show Game of Thrones -

'Any man who must say, "I am the King", is no true king.'

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. Makes a difficult time of year even more cumbersome. I'm glad you can talk about these 'boxes' here with the community hun, I can imagine it's a lot on your mind.

How are you keeping yourself occupied whilst in hermit mode? Got any projects on the go? Other than gorgeous handmade gifts of course 😍