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Talking through trauma and PTSD

Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor

Running

"Behind every strong person is a story that gave them no choice"

My life is all about a lack of choice.

I'm alive because death would've outed him, it would have sealed his fate in prison.

TW: cultic, rape, trafficking, torture

I'm the daughter of a Satanist...

One trained to breed...

One pregnant at 6 years old...

One prostituted to whoever could afford her...

The girl her dad didn't want...

One men hired to have fun with...

One men experimented with...

One who was tortured for speaking up...

One trained for the sole purpose to please her buyer...

Regardless of age...

Still though...

One who never stayed silent...

One who broke free... twice...

One who rose up...

One who seeks to prove them wrong...

One who has been running for 15 years...

One who just needs to feel heard...

One who went through hell and survived...

That this Phoenix can rise...

She will not be burned...

She's proven that...

I have proven that...

I'm 35 and 90% of those I've been in prolonged abusive situations insufficient evidence for prosecution

A system that protects the abuser more than the survivor

And yet I still try

I don't try for me, I try for the ones after me, the ones like me, that they will see their justice

But for now I run...

From a dad that wants me silenced...

From the nightmares that plague my sleep...

From the memories that invade my mind...

From the choices made for me...

Didn't expect that to come out as poetic as it did

3558 replies

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In response to: Running

tymeModerator

Re: Running

Feel free to share as much or little as you want. This is your space @avant-garde

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor

Re: Running

I don't think it's by any mistake that my first memory of her is of her protecting me... I think it showed me that she became that way... because of him...

What she did to me makes me feel physically sick though...

TW: sexual abuse, strong language

Content/trigger warning
Sometimes... when my dad would take me into their room to rape me... my mum would come in and start losing it at me screaming at me that I'm a w***e, and similar words, to stop seducing her husband when he was *clearly* the one controlling the situation that I couldn't break free from...

Mums alters
- the one that recognised and loved me
- the opportunistic one
- the angry one that blamed me
- the one that didn't recognise me
- the wife that did what was expected
- the one from when she was a child

The strongest sentence I have ever written is contained in my testimony; I didn't steal her husband, he stole my childhood.

Her voice still echoes on my mind though, I still see her in her bedroom doorway screaming at me even though I was the one physically unable to get out.
I still see her down the hall facing my bedroom screaming that I'm a s***, a vindictive little brat who stole her husband with my seductive ways, that I wanted it...

I never wanted it! I never wanted it! I was a child! I was her child! Her daughter!

Yet I was the one who took care of her from 8 years old...

In response to: Re: Running

rav3nSenior Contributor

Re: Running

hey @avant-garde, it always breaks my heart when i hear adults blaming their children for things that weren't in their control. your mum's response sounds like she was just deflecting from taking responsibility for and her your dad's actions.

it was never your fault. that must've been painful to talk about in your testimony, but i am glad you got to say that because it is absolutely true, you did NOT steal him.

sitting with you 💙

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor

Re: Running

I never wanted it @rav3n I never wanted it, how could she think that I wanted it

In response to: Re: Running

rav3nSenior Contributor

Re: Running

that was on her @avant-garde, you did nothing wrong. it sucks that she wasn't able to see how wrong her words/actions were at the time. you deserved SO MUCH better than that🫂

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor

Re: Running

@rav3n

Her opportunistic alter had no regard whether I was alive or dead... her actions left me unable to breathe for the sake of her own desires... considering how badly she wanted a daughter... I never felt wanted

In response to: Re: Running

rav3nSenior Contributor

Re: Running

it's awful that you've been made to feel unwanted from such a young age @avant-garde but i hope you know that it's far from the truth. you belong here. even though it's been a rough journey, you have worked so hard to love and heal your inner child - that takes so much strength.


we care about you, and we're so grateful to have you with us. 💙

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor

Re: Running

@rav3n

I don't stop trying to heal, I never have

My mum isn't something I have ever really talked about, not like this anyway, being honest about what she did and who she was

In response to: Re: Running

rav3nSenior Contributor

Re: Running

@avant-garde sounds like you've taken a big step in talking about her more honestly. that would not have been easy at all, but you did it. how are you holding up? 💙

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor

Re: Running

@rav3n

Well I just got to the shopping centre I was meant to be meeting my friend at to find out getting his haircut is more important than keeping a commitment with me. I have an hour until my next meeting and would've preferred to stay in bed and make coffee at home

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