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Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor25 Nov 2024, 10:10 pm AEDT

Running

"Behind every strong person is a story that gave them no choice"

My life is all about a lack of choice.

I'm alive because death would've outed him, it would have sealed his fate in prison.

TW: cultic, rape, trafficking, torture

I'm the daughter of a Satanist...

One trained to breed...

One pregnant at 6 years old...

One prostituted to whoever could afford her...

The girl her dad didn't want...

One men hired to have fun with...

One men experimented with...

One who was tortured for speaking up...

One trained for the sole purpose to please her buyer...

Regardless of age...

Still though...

One who never stayed silent...

One who broke free... twice...

One who rose up...

One who seeks to prove them wrong...

One who has been running for 15 years...

One who just needs to feel heard...

One who went through hell and survived...

That this Phoenix can rise...

She will not be burned...

She's proven that...

I have proven that...

I'm 35 and 90% of those I've been in prolonged abusive situations insufficient evidence for prosecution

A system that protects the abuser more than the survivor

And yet I still try

I don't try for me, I try for the ones after me, the ones like me, that they will see their justice

But for now I run...

From a dad that wants me silenced...

From the nightmares that plague my sleep...

From the memories that invade my mind...

From the choices made for me...

Didn't expect that to come out as poetic as it did

3558 replies

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In response to: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor19 Sept 2025, 9:30 pm AEST

Re: Running

@Jynx

They have a non-binary leader there too, I get along with them too. No surprise there though, but I don't mind it

In response to: Re: Running

JynxModerator19 Sept 2025, 9:46 pm AEST

Re: Running

Aww nice @avant-garde sounds like a wholesome space!! You're going every week? Is it ongoing or a set number of weeks?

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor19 Sept 2025, 9:52 pm AEST

Re: Running

@Jynx every 2 weeks, ongoing

In response to: Re: Running

JynxModerator19 Sept 2025, 9:55 pm AEST

Re: Running

Oh wonderful @avant-garde love that it's ongoing!

I appreciate you sharing tonight hun, I know things have been tough. I hope tomorrow is kind to you 💜🤞

In response to: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor20 Sept 2025, 12:23 am AEST

Re: Running

@ENKELI

Hey 😌

Just needed time to recover from the appointment and to stop just briefly releasing the pressure valve and just take the entire lid off and do one of my quiet mind things, like finding large antique coloured jump rings for another watch band

( @AuntGlow I don't know who does mindful Mondays but that might be a good idea, for people to share the things that make their mind quiet)

In response to: Re: Running

ENKELISenior Contributor20 Sept 2025, 2:41 pm AEST

Re: Running

@avant-garde considering the heavy stuff you shared and your appointment I'm not at all surprised you needed a break hon. How are you doing today?

Does Spotlight carry the jump rings? I remember there used to be so many great jewellery making shops around when I started doing "beading" as my friend and I used to call it. I still have heaps of jewellery making stuff that I should donate because I haven't made any new jewellery for several years.

I hope you find the jump rings, and if you're up to it I'd love to see a picture of the watch when you've completed it. Any other creations I'd love to see too.

Mindful Mondays sounds like a great idea!

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor20 Sept 2025, 2:50 pm AEST

Re: Running

@ENKELI

I found 2 in my collection of little bits last night that will work

They already have a mindful Mondays thing going here, hence I tagged auntglow

The red watch I donated today, turns out they sell between $120-150 USD and the cheapest in AUD was 127 but then paying $60+ for shipping from America

They were blown away

I paid $15 for the bag of jewellery years ago

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor20 Sept 2025, 4:12 pm AEST

Re: Running

My rehab experience has been playing on my mind, like it's saying "you need to talk about me now, you can't keep holding this"

I was in my third year of an education degree and had started having intense and severe flashbacks that my less than healthy habits re-emerged, I started losing time and not remembering when I relapsed into self harm again.

TW: Experiences with Christian rehab

Content/trigger warning

It was suggested I go to this Christian rehab place, that this place wasn't just for drugs and alcohol, but for any negative addictions...

I got there 19 June 2013, the day hell began.

I had been assigned to the program coordinator as my mentor, told that I was selfish and lying and a manipulative attention seeker and everything I had ever shared about my upbringing had been a lie. That God told her so.

That God ducking told her so!

It was suggested I go to this Christian rehab place, that this place wasn't just for drugs and alcohol, but for any negative addictions... I got there 19 June 2013, the day hell began. I had been assigned to the program coordinator as my mentor, told that I was selfish and lying and a manipulative attention seeker and everything I had ever shared about my upbringing had been a lie. That God told her so. That God ducking told her so!

But my church vowed they would send me back if I left before graduating, that they'd send me back to this hell, so I stayed.

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor20 Sept 2025, 5:50 pm AEST

Re: Running

TW: experiences with Christian rehab

Content/trigger warning

For those first two weeks we weren't allowed any contact with the outside world, not to my church who I dearly missed or my friends, any letter we wrote were read by our mentor before they were sent and if we mentioned anything negative that happened we were disciplined. Our phone calls were 15 minutes a week and they were monitored too, make sure we didn't say anything that really happened.
Those first two weeks we had a buddy to show us the ropes. My buddy didn't bother with me past the first day but I was glad for it.
Some of the mentors really had it out for me. Scratch that, most of the mentors had it out for me because I couldn't leave my addiction at the gate.
I was painted as this lying, manipulative attention seeker who wasn't too be trusted.
Except I never was what they painted me to be. I was the beautiful, creative but terrified young woman that only one mentor saw me to be. I really valued her, but she may never know quite how much.
Even then I didn't realise quite how neurodivergent I am, asking clarifying questions when I didn't understand, but even that was attention seeking and I got disciplined a lot just for asking questions, then also getting disciplined when I couldn't ask questions and got things wrong as a result.

I got to phase 2 shy on my birthday and the goals for that phase were more targeted than in phase 1 where everyone gets the same goals.
- speak in tongues
- write letters of apology to everyone you had lied to
- ask for your dad's forgiveness for lying

Except they weren't lies

For those first two weeks we weren't allowed any contact with the outside world, not to my church who I dearly missed or my friends, any letter we wrote were read by our mentor before they were sent and if we mentioned anything negative that happened we were disciplined. Our phone calls were 15 minutes a week and they were monitored too, make sure we didn't say anything that really happened. Those first two weeks we had a buddy to show us the ropes. My buddy didn't bother with me past the first day but I was glad for it. Some of the mentors really had it out for me. Scratch that, most of the mentors had it out for me because I couldn't leave my addiction at the gate. I was painted as this lying, manipulative attention seeker who wasn't too be trusted. Except I never was what they painted me to be. I was the beautiful, creative but terrified young woman that only one mentor saw me to be. I really valued her, but she may never know quite how much. Even then I didn't realise quite how neurodivergent I am, asking clarifying questions when I didn't understand, but even that was attention seeking and I got disciplined a lot just for asking questions, then also getting disciplined when I couldn't ask questions and got things wrong as a result. I got to phase 2 shy on my birthday and the goals for that phase were more targeted than in phase 1 where everyone gets the same goals. - speak in tongues- write letters of apology to everyone you had lied to- ask for your dad's forgiveness for lying Except they weren't lies

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor20 Sept 2025, 6:57 pm AEST

Re: Running

TW: experiences of Christian rehab

Content/trigger warning

Deep down I knew, I knew it had happened, it all happened, but that fear lingered in my head "they'll just send me back, I just need to survive, just do as I'm told, I do as I'm told".
They called me more things now, proud, arrogant, stubborn, lying, manipulative, attention seeker.
I had to write down every "lie" and have my mentor read over it, including that I'd lied about being a mother, I'd lied about the baby. Turns out it was much more than the one I remembered then that I had carried.

The tongues thing was just a planned thing (like man can plan God's spiritual gifts, we can't control God and they were idiots to think they could).
My mentor laid her hands on me and started praying and speaking and then told me to go up to the chapel and wait. I don't know what I think about it, my belief in the spiritual gifts differs a lot for those given for those times and the gift of it now.

It was the letters that made me scream, made my heart wretch and destroyed every good thing in my life and every relationship I had. They destroyed everything and made it that I would never have a positive relationship with anyone I knew before rehab.
They made me reliant on them. And I hated them for it.

My extended family shunned me and said how I could make up such horrible lies about my family.
My church were relieved but some couldn't forgive me for lying to them and stringing them along making up these horrible stories.
Every relationship, the trust was shattered and it cut them too deep and they were too proud to ever let Christ restore them and our relationship.
Then my immediate family.
My dad replied and said he forgave me. At the time I was relieved but now I look back and see how he used it, that it was just another spit in the face, an opening to use me again.
An opening he took.

Deep down I knew, I knew it had happened, it all happened, but that fear lingered in my head "they'll just send me back, I just need to survive, just do as I'm told, I do as I'm told".They called me more things now, proud, arrogant, stubborn, lying, manipulative, attention seeker.I had to write down every "lie" and have my mentor read over it, including that I'd lied about being a mother, I'd lied about the baby. Turns out it was much more than the one I remembered then that I had carried.The tongues thing was just a planned thing (like man can plan God's spiritual gifts, we can't control God and they were idiots to think they could).My mentor laid her hands on me and started praying and speaking and then told me to go up to the chapel and wait. I don't know what I think about it, my belief in the spiritual gifts differs a lot for those given for those times and the gift of it now. It was the letters that made me scream, made my heart wretch and destroyed every good thing in my life and every relationship I had. They destroyed everything and made it that I would never have a positive relationship with anyone I knew before rehab. They made me reliant on them. And I hated them for it. My extended family shunned me and said how I could make up such horrible lies about my family. My church were relieved but some couldn't forgive me for lying to them and stringing them along making up these horrible stories. Every relationship, the trust was shattered and it cut them too deep and they were too proud to ever let Christ restore them and our relationship.Then my immediate family.My dad replied and said he forgave me. At the time I was relieved but now I look back and see how he used it, that it was just another spit in the face, an opening to use me again. An opening he took.

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