Running

It's a cute kids Sunday school song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJwsRCBTd0g @avant-garde

I don't know that song you mentioned either.

What's one thing that will bring you a smile tonight?

@tyme

The shower head here is really good and I'm enjoying that

Ooooooo @avant-garde . I feel it on my back... the warm water trickling down... the steam. I'd love a hot shower very soon.

Hugs @avant-garde . I wish I could make you feel better.

@tyme

C is an assertive guy and we're talking about this "program". I'm being assertive

"I find in terms of cleaning people's opinions of what might help and what they do, I don't care, I know what works for me and it's not about what works for them, it's about what is stopping me from doing what works for me"

"In regards to the stuff both in storage and unpacking here... I find it more than a bit difficult because I find that people from our church take leniencies about what they think is best for me or what I need... and because they're from church I go along with it because it does add a trigger element that pushes me towards not speaking up for myself and saying it's not ok"

"Oh and I don't like the name, it reads to me like I'm not flourishing now where I would say for the most part that I am, my weekly routine and the community that I've built around me is where I'm flourishing and growing and finding joy. I would lean towards "achieve" more than flourish"

Hiya @avant-garde thought I'd pop in see how you're doing 😊

Been writing this up @Jynx

--------

So I mentioned yesterday about a woman before Delilah

"His response made me a little angry "I have heard that she did a lot for you in the past" yeah she did, but do you know what she did TO me as well? No. Well then shut the duck up."

Going for another biblically bad name "Jezebel".

Initially she took me under her wing and she was great, she bought me clothes and let me bake at her place and kind of encouraged me to be "feminine". She would pick me up to go places and would praise me when I ventured into wearing my hair down, we were even going to go on holiday together, had paid for the accommodation and everything.

Not long before we were due to go I got notice that my landlady wasn't renewing her lease and I needed to move.

I asked Jezebel for her help cleaning and sorting out my room.

She came over and I had these 2 IBC containers I'd purchased and my brother had helped me clean and cut the tops off.

She just threw everything in garbage bags and threw the bags in the containers, artwork and all.

A few days later she came over with her daughter in the car and said to me in the front yard "going through your room was traumatic" while knowing the hell I've been through. She continued to say "you need help, you're going here or I want nothing to do with you". It was a residential rehab program that helped you develop life skills, specifically for me, cleaning.

I asked her about the trip and she said no, with less than a week before we were due to leave.

Her vision for me was to make me a girl, shave my legs, wear dresses, be female, and be proud to be female.

Then to say I'm too hard.

What she didn't expect is for me to say no.

Wow what a nightmare @avant-garde - especially about the forced femininity. That hits pretty close to home for me hey. I mean probably different for you if you do identify as a woman, but anything that removes our agency over how we express ourselves is just awful. Plus, in my experience it is only by accepting a person exactly as they are that creates conditions for change. Also the callous way she handled your possessions is pretty nasty too - again, showing that she cared not about you, but about what you could be for her.

@Jynx

I do identify as female 😉

And yes she did a lot for me, but I was just her pet project, something for her to fix, not someone to help thrive.

So when C told me about my personal "flourish" program? It made me feel sick. Not another Jezebel. I was sharing about it with Tyme yesterday

Yep 'pet project' sounds about right, ugh @avant-garde the saviour complex can be so difficult to contend with hey. I'm sorry you went through that.

I did see your earlier posts but still missing some context I think - this 'flourish' program was one you were asked to run...? I totally get you with the whole kinda backhanded compliment vibe, like 'Who's to say I'm not flourishing now?'

@Jynx

No, not for me to run... I would be the project... C wanted to set up a program to help me learn to take care of a house... to make it a home... cooking cleaning going through the stuff I have in storage...

It made me feel like I don't have a right to my own life...

if he saw me... if he saw me outside a church context... in my everyday life with people who take time for me and accept me and love me, not think they have some duty to fix me... he would see the beautiful thriving flourishing woman that I am... not the disadvantaged traumatised girl that needs fixing... he would see me