Running

@avant-garde oh yes, like the conference too! i think it happens annually, this was the first one i went to. and i can give you a heads up that this week, there'll be some changes to mods on wednesday & thursday as some of us have training.

yep that makes sense for you all to wonder

@rav3n maybe next year they can tell us so we don't get all flustered like this year?

yes for sure! @avant-garde we'll try our very best to keep the community updated in the future

@rav3n

If I'm honest, last night, the words "I want to be honest with you". Nothing good has ever come after those words.

Last night was no different, it added a trigger layer onto it all... But I don't know if I'm even ok to talk about it here, about what happened

@avant-garde i can understand where you're coming from, it's definitely not easy to hear. when i hear the words, "I want to be honest with you" my heart does drop at times and my brain goes straight to thinking, 'what have i done wrong?'

but when i've reflected on it once i've left that anxious state, i've noticed a couple things:

• when someone uses that phrases, in most cases, it's them being vulnerable. and this matters to the person a lot. as someone who's both used and received that phrase, it's not easy being on either side of it
• when someone is being honest with you, it can mean that they respect you enough to want to resolve any underlying issues. the people in my life who are still around are the ones i've had these uncomfy convos with. and yes, it's scary but also, it can help the relationship grow stronger.

i'm just speaking from my experience and view, i totally understand it's not the same for everyone - and i've found that when people are comfortable enough to be honest about how i make them feel, it shows me that they care about me and our relationship. if they weren't honest, it would mean they were carrying around some discomfort which i wouldn't want either. despite this, i haven't always been great at receiving the convo... i have been defensive before, i have been upset and hurt. but i'm working through that anxiety and fear to be more open to receiving those types of convos/feedback.

did you wanna share more about what you mean by "nothing good has ever come after those words"? did you wanna chat more about what happened last night?

@rav3n can we talk about last night, because I have reflected and I need to feel heard and understood

i am mindful that i'll have to leave very soon so i won't be able to give it the attention it deserves right now @avant-garde you're welcome to share it and i'll respond to it tomorrow if that's ok?

@rav3n

That'll give me time to emotionally process it more as I write, triggers included

yep, i'll keep an eye out for your tag tomorrow @avant-garde take care 💙

There's so much in this, so much it stirred up.

This isn't my first forum experience, or the first time this has been assumed of me.

I connect deeply because I care deeply, I gravitate towards those I interact well with, I create bonds with like minded people, but because of that connection it is often misconstrued.

I do find it hard to initially connect on a casual level and I know that's on me to improve on.

I'm not oblivious to the fact that it's a community and that the PSW's are here for the community, not just for me or for any other particular member. it felt hurtful and judgemental to even imply that.

I know my short comings and I know how I felt about my 7 year clean anniversary. I was NEVER considered worth celebrating as a child and any other previous forum, I was deemed a user not a person and that I didn't matter, having been physically punished for engaging with a forum to try and get help.

I didn't want it celebrated by any one particular person but I had no idea how to start a thread like that because I'd never been considered worth that online or in real life.

I wanted to inspire and encourage others.

All I did was ask for help with that and trusted someone to help me with it. I would've found someone else, I even tried to find someone else, I tagged other PSW's with the idea, but I was clearly wrong to trust.

But I already knew that.

If you look beyond this thread you will see evidence of me, interacting with the community, I know those that keep an eye on me, TAB, appleblossom, dreamy, arradreaming who likes invading this thread. You'll see I input where I can but I do tend to stay clear of some threads, like when plasmo and TAB talk late. I gain confidence in the first thread I had fun in and still waiting to lose that game.

I think you see what you assume is true rather that what actually is. If you assume I'm fixated on one person and not trying to be a part of this community, that's what you'll see, but if you see just how much I'm trying and actually interacting you'd actually be surprised.

I feel like a lot of what was said was based on a particular perception of me rather than the progress I've been making and that particular perception is of one or maybe two people.

If I'm honest, it's appleblossom who has had the most impact on me in this area with her gentle encouragement and her patient nature.

----------------------------------------------

How this was approached made it more difficult than it needed to be, to initially feel avoided, ignored, unimportant, forgotten, these are all familiar feelings for me.

When someone has told me they need to be honest... it does say "what did I do wrong" but it also says "who am I going to lose now" and "what are they going to do to me"

The times when I've heard that... most recent times... it's been someone trying to enforce their direction of my life.

It was before I became homeless the first time, I needed help cleaning my room in a share house and she sat me down in my front yard and told me that she wanted to send me to this live in rehab program to help me learn how to clean and take care of myself. She wanted nothing to do with me unless I did that. When she learned that I got a cleaning job and was good at it... you should have seen her jaw drop... I still want nothing to do with her but I can be amicable if I need to be.

The one before that... she too thought a rehab would make me all better... we had been reading the Bible together and she was helping me with my theological confusion... she too gave me an ultimatum... she said she'd pay for the flights for me to go to this rehab on the other side of the country because I needed help she couldn't give me... I didn't need help though... I needed friendship and community... she said I could eventually try and be friends with her again if I went to this rehab...

TW: physical and sexual abuse

Ultimately, it was that last one that sent me spiralling last night...

@rav3n