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Talking through trauma and PTSD

Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor

Running

"Behind every strong person is a story that gave them no choice"

My life is all about a lack of choice.

I'm alive because death would've outed him, it would have sealed his fate in prison.

TW: cultic, rape, trafficking, torture

I'm the daughter of a Satanist...

One trained to breed...

One pregnant at 6 years old...

One prostituted to whoever could afford her...

The girl her dad didn't want...

One men hired to have fun with...

One men experimented with...

One who was tortured for speaking up...

One trained for the sole purpose to please her buyer...

Regardless of age...

Still though...

One who never stayed silent...

One who broke free... twice...

One who rose up...

One who seeks to prove them wrong...

One who has been running for 15 years...

One who just needs to feel heard...

One who went through hell and survived...

That this Phoenix can rise...

She will not be burned...

She's proven that...

I have proven that...

I'm 35 and 90% of those I've been in prolonged abusive situations insufficient evidence for prosecution

A system that protects the abuser more than the survivor

And yet I still try

I don't try for me, I try for the ones after me, the ones like me, that they will see their justice

But for now I run...

From a dad that wants me silenced...

From the nightmares that plague my sleep...

From the memories that invade my mind...

From the choices made for me...

Didn't expect that to come out as poetic as it did

3558 replies

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In response to: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor

Re: Running

@tyme

I have a sensitive theological question I was wondering if I could ask you

In response to: Re: Running

tymeModerator

Re: Running

Hey @avant-garde ,

Ask away! Sorry, I've been on leave so I haven't been around.

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor

Re: Running

@tyme

I knew you were going, just wasn't sure when

Content/trigger warning
In the book of Esther, did King Ahasuerus rape Esther?

In response to: Re: Running

tymeModerator

Re: Running

Hey @avant-garde ,

I've never come across the understanding that this happened. Do you have a specific chatper and verse that you are questioning?

I've read it many many times, but that interpretation has never crossed my mind.

I'm here if you want to talk about it.

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor

Re: Running

@tyme

My dad used the book of Esther to support what he did...

What I'm reading... marrying age was 14-15 and so Esther would have been younger than that. The idea that Esther was taken from her home for the king also suggests that what happened was outside her control... that to disobey the king... well we know what happened to Queen Vashti... the law had just been passed that said men were the masters of their households... it is fair to assume that the night with the king was not for mere conversation as after that night the females were sent to stay with the concubines when the king had asked for virgins to start.

Therefore the question is... could a 13 year old consent...

In response to: Re: Running

tymeModerator

Re: Running

I hoenstly don't see it that way. @avant-garde .

TW: Rape

Content/trigger warning
In the Bible, when rape occurs, it clearly says so. They will use words like 'defiled' etc. I'm not sure why it would be different here?

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor

Re: Running

@tyme

It's worth noting the context of the instances of Dinah and Tamar

Content/trigger warning
Were they both not raised in Jewish society? Where Esther concealed her Jewish heritage, raised amongst gentiles.
What then happened in that room with the king that night?
Did they "know each other" that night?

In response to: Re: Running

tymeModerator

Re: Running

I personally do not think so @avant-garde . I will re-read it and pray about it.

Despite the contexts, I still think it would've been clearer if it DID happen.

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor

Re: Running

I've been grappling with this so much...

TW: abuse and exploitation

Content/trigger warning
I wasn't even in school when it started... when my dad started... when my future was decided and my worth was discarded... but it wasn't until I was a teenager that I was told how worthless I was... how I had to be a certain way to be worth anything... that purity was everything and who would want someone like me... with my track record... told I was destined for this life...

If if I'm honest... I don't see my worth... those beliefs my dad ingrained in me are still there... those beliefs... those thoughts... that darkness...

TW: Bible

Content/trigger warning
And for the record, I do believe Esther was like me. She would have been young too, she would've been of marrying age in Persia and she would've had no way out. just. like. me.
She dealt with horrible events too! [edited]

She wasn't valued either!

I feel as worthless now as I've ever been.

[edited]

Not even my former social worker thought I was worth continuing with.

Does anyone see worth in a little girl who is done trying.

@moderator - I know what you're going to say, so I edited it before you said it.

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor

Re: Running

@Jynx!!

I'm glad you're here

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