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Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor25 Nov 2024, 10:10 pm AEDT

Running

"Behind every strong person is a story that gave them no choice"

My life is all about a lack of choice.

I'm alive because death would've outed him, it would have sealed his fate in prison.

TW: cultic, rape, trafficking, torture

I'm the daughter of a Satanist...

One trained to breed...

One pregnant at 6 years old...

One prostituted to whoever could afford her...

The girl her dad didn't want...

One men hired to have fun with...

One men experimented with...

One who was tortured for speaking up...

One trained for the sole purpose to please her buyer...

Regardless of age...

Still though...

One who never stayed silent...

One who broke free... twice...

One who rose up...

One who seeks to prove them wrong...

One who has been running for 15 years...

One who just needs to feel heard...

One who went through hell and survived...

That this Phoenix can rise...

She will not be burned...

She's proven that...

I have proven that...

I'm 35 and 90% of those I've been in prolonged abusive situations insufficient evidence for prosecution

A system that protects the abuser more than the survivor

And yet I still try

I don't try for me, I try for the ones after me, the ones like me, that they will see their justice

But for now I run...

From a dad that wants me silenced...

From the nightmares that plague my sleep...

From the memories that invade my mind...

From the choices made for me...

Didn't expect that to come out as poetic as it did

3558 replies

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In response to: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor11 Feb 2025, 8:55 pm AEDT

Re: Running

12 march 10am

@Jynx

In response to: Re: Running

JynxModerator11 Feb 2025, 9:05 pm AEDT

Re: Running

Oof, one of those 'so close yet so far' kinda deals hey @avant-garde it's a long time to be stuck in waiting mode

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor11 Feb 2025, 9:08 pm AEDT

Re: Running

@Jynx

It could only be Wednesday

19/2 - ear nose throat appointment

26/2 - dentist appointment

5/3 - respiratory appointment

12th it is

In response to: Re: Running

JynxModerator11 Feb 2025, 9:43 pm AEDT

Re: Running

@avant-garde Oh geez no time for rest beforehand? Or is that better maybe, not having the waiting time stretched out before you...?

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor11 Feb 2025, 9:47 pm AEDT

Re: Running

@Jynx

Distractions are better, less time to think

In response to: Re: Running

JynxModerator12 Feb 2025, 3:18 pm AEDT

Re: Running

Aye very true @avant-garde! You got activities and stuff to do at home too?

In response to: Re: Running

tymeModerator12 Feb 2025, 4:00 pm AEDT

Re: Running

Hey @avant-garde - I've just been reading your recent updates 🙂 Looks like sound awesome achievements there.

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor12 Feb 2025, 8:34 pm AEDT

Re: Running

@Jynx

I sort when I'm anxious, but I also have tv, emergency jigsaw puzzles, etc

Yes I have emergency jigsaw puzzles

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor13 Feb 2025, 1:17 am AEDT

Re: Running

You know when it all hits? When everything you have ever been through, you get reminded and you wonder how you survived it all? When you kind of wish you didn't?

TW: incest, rape, trafficking, spirituality, child loss

Content/trigger warning

My dad is a monster...
I have 2 brothers, older and younger, older one ignored, younger one participated...
Dad didn't want a girl... never wanted a girl...

My first time is like burned into my brain, how he groomed me and conditioned me to believe being sexually stimulated as a 2 year old was ok...
To be raped as a 3 year old was ok...
That I was taught it was normal for kids to play like this with other adults... it was just play...

Nobody taught me otherwise...

I was having fun and got a lot of attention and pretty "clothes", I was taught how to walk, talk, dress and behave how men wanted...
I was taught to please them, to satisfy them, that's why I was alive, that's what girls do, they please men...

I got to play a lot and it didn't always hurt, i didn't know it was wrong... nobody taught me otherwise...

Eventually God got involved, that it was the way to go to heaven... to carry a child, saved by child-bearing... that it had to be church leadership... I was 6 when I got my first period and joined that intake to... yeah...

I didn't carry it to term and lost it after my 7th birthday... it wasn't the last I lost though

The "church" expanded by joining with another, the behaviour continued, I just got to have more "playtime", that I went to school them went and "played" then fell asleep and repeated, for 9 years...

I then got baptised and all the twisted and crooked teaching around that!

Then 7 years of non-compliance, where it wasn't fun anymore, that I knew it was wrong, but they had their ways to use me... torture, alcohol, drugs, to make me behave...

My dad is a monster...I have 2 brothers, older and younger, older one ignored, younger one participated...Dad didn't want a girl... never wanted a girl...My first time is like burned into my brain, how he groomed me and conditioned me to believe being sexually stimulated as a 2 year old was ok...To be raped as a 3 year old was ok...That I was taught it was normal for kids to play like this with other adults... it was just play...Nobody taught me otherwise... I was having fun and got a lot of attention and pretty "clothes", I was taught how to walk, talk, dress and behave how men wanted...I was taught to please them, to satisfy them, that's why I was alive, that's what girls do, they please men...I got to play a lot and it didn't always hurt, i didn't know it was wrong... nobody taught me otherwise...Eventually God got involved, that it was the way to go to heaven... to carry a child, saved by child-bearing... that it had to be church leadership... I was 6 when I got my first period and joined that intake to... yeah...I didn't carry it to term and lost it after my 7th birthday... it wasn't the last I lost thoughThe "church" expanded by joining with another, the behaviour continued, I just got to have more "playtime", that I went to school them went and "played" then fell asleep and repeated, for 9 years...I then got baptised and all the twisted and crooked teaching around that! Then 7 years of non-compliance, where it wasn't fun anymore, that I knew it was wrong, but they had their ways to use me... torture, alcohol, drugs, to make me behave...

Going to the police is terrifying because my mind starts preparing what I need to know, need to tell them, need to remember.

That it all starts to hit

@tyme @Jynx @Ru-bee @rav3n @MJG017

In response to: Re: Running

JynxModerator13 Feb 2025, 4:14 pm AEDT

Re: Running

Wow @avant-garde... just... wow. Thank you for sharing some more of your story with us hun. With this recent bizz with the popo I am not surprised all these thoughts and memories are surfacing, so I'm really glad to see you putting em out into the world instead of keeping em bottled up.

Geez talk about basically every single primary caregiver failing you... I hope you have been able to find some more inspiring role models over the years who better resonate with your values.

How has your day been hun?

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