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Late start at relationships

KalliadesContributor21 Jan 2017, 10:46 am AEDT

Late start at relationships

Hey, hope everyone's doing well. I've been in a pretty good space for the last few months and haven't visited the forums in a while. Feel a bit ordinary for coming back to ask for advice when I didnt bother sticking around to give any in return. Hope you can forgive me.

So I'm 27, never had a girlfriend or even been on a date. I've tried internet dating a bunch of times and exchanged messages with girls but its never gone any further than that until about a month or so ago when a girl gave me her number. We've talked on the phone a few times and I even told her a little about my depression and anxiety which I've never really talked to anyone about other than doctors. I think a part of me wanted her to say she wasnt interested, to confirm my belief that I'm meant to be alone so that I could get back to comfortable isolation. But she didnt. She was kind and understanding and wanted to keep talking to me.

Since then I havent been able to stop thinking about her. If I text her and she doesnt message me back for a couple of days, I convince myself that shes moved on, found someone better and I'm miserable. Then we talk again and I'm over the moon.

I havent even met her yet, (we plan to in the next couple of weeks) and I know that at this stage all we are is two people just getting to know each other, nothing more. She's even told me that she's talking to another guy as well. I know that its the idea of a relationship, the dream of being in love that I'm obsessed with, I dont know her well enough for it to be anything else. But what I know and what I feel are entirely seperate things. Chances are she isnt going to be 'the one' and I dont know how I'm going to cope when it all comes crashing down.

Can anyone relate?

53 replies

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In response to: Late start at relationships

Unknown userMember23 Jan 2017, 10:02 am AEDT

Re: Late start at relationships

As I said just try to work through your feelings which depression and anxiety from my experiences can make foggy and confusing.Give it a go without the expectations of commitment and not putting pressure on the relationship .As well respect her and have an understanding of its "not there"for either one its not meant to be and someone else who is is waiting to meet you hopefully in the future.For a bit of humour I went out for the day with someone years ago not a good idea he was 59 I was 39 .I am a vegetarian and he said on this first meeting "When we get married I will have to become a vegetarian!".We went for a walk and I had already walked 8 KMS that morning I was tired and had insomnia at the time.I wasn't in the right mind to make the decision to go out with him because the insomnia was chronic.I knew when I got in his car I wondered what the ****I was doing!Anyway when I couldn't complete the walk up a steep hill he said "That's because you are a vegetarian!"lol
He rang up a few nights later I was eating a salad he sounded breathless he said "I've been working out,you know how that feels!".The only good thing is I dropped by fork and couldn't eat for the rest of the night.I get tired of these delusional idiots putting their so called feelings onto me when I am struggling with myself.This is why I don't put pressure on any relationship if it's meant to be it will be.I texted the bloke I had to tell on Friday that it wasn't there for me and told him I value his friendship and he is always welcomed.I didn't hear back didn't expect to. What's wrong with friendship?

In response to: Late start at relationships

pipSenior Contributor23 Jan 2017, 12:40 pm AEDT

Re: Late start at relationships

@Kalliades. Heart is right in the statement about trust being a two way street. The man I thought I loved had told me numerous times the feeling was returned. I had no reason to question or doubt him. I do not consider I've failed, nor do I consider him a failure. I feel we were never on the same page, he told me what he thought I wanted to hear, I chose to believe him because I needed something to 'cling' to and we were both wrong to let it go so long. My only real concern is will he continue to abuse his position on his forums to 'chat up' some other unsuspecting women who believes his words. His reporting me for harassment is a total figment, however proving it is difficult. His manager has been informed, hopefully he will take the appropriate action.

In response to: Re: Late start at relationships

Unknown userMember23 Jan 2017, 1:15 pm AEDT

Re: Late start at relationships

See where it goes Kalliades,we have probably scared you off lol.You learn from your experiences.

In response to: Re: Late start at relationships

KalliadesContributor23 Jan 2017, 9:17 pm AEDT

Re: Late start at relationships

Hey everyone. First off thanks for all of the advice, It's really helped. I'm still thinking about it a lot and I'm nervous as hell about meeting her but I think I've gotten a handle on my expectations. I was definitely getting too far ahead of myself and although I knew I was, having it reinforced by others must have convinced my feelings to take note.

I noticed several of you mentioned listening to what she says. It's something I wish I was better at. I often find when I'm talking to people my mind is so busy stressing over what I should say next that I don't really take in what people are saying. Its something I need to work on.

@Heart I'm definitely not offended by the whole trusting men discussion. @Former-Member and @pip I'm really sorry you guys have been hurt recently and I'm happy my post has given you somewhere to get some support too.

@utopia you mentioned that you have had recent experience with opening your heart to someone new. I hope it went well for you.

In response to: Late start at relationships

utopiaSenior Contributor23 Jan 2017, 9:43 pm AEDT

Re: Late start at relationships

@Kalliades. Yes, I think a lot of us - not just those with MI need to listen more to what someone is saying - instead of thinking about what to say next.
Did it go well for me? Not how most people would expect.
He stopped messenging with me 2 days after Christmas. I only had messenger as a way to reach him. So - I'm stuck with not knowing. Not knowing what happened. Not knowing how he is. t;It's been very painful and a lot of tears have fallen.
But. I actually opened my heart. I let the idea of love and having a living relationship - enter my thinking - for the first time in ten years.&amp;lt;br&amp;gt;I knew my friend as a teenager. And we caught up on messenger last year. He was always someone I could be completely honest with - even then. So I found it easy if a little scary - to be honest with him now. He has his own mental health issues - due to childhood trauma & adult trauma. I can't do anything but be here and be available - if he chooses to reconnect with me.
;So, there has been pain and tears and self doubt etc. But I don't regret for one minute opening up to him. It has helped me learn more abiut myself. &amp;lt;br&amp;gt;And whether he is the one - or it's someone else - my heart has been opened & I'm a bit more ready (bad grammar) for love now and who knows what the future holds. I'm an optimist.
;Please don't let any of our experiences put you off. Your story is your story. And I truly hope it's a happy one.&amp;lt;br&amp;gt;I know my story will be.

In response to: Re: Late start at relationships

Unknown userMember23 Jan 2017, 10:29 pm AEDT

Re: Late start at relationships

Just be you Kalliades, and take it as it comes,and look after yourself, that's probably the best advice of all.

In response to: Re: Late start at relationships

pipSenior Contributor24 Jan 2017, 10:31 am AEDT

Re: Late start at relationships

@utopia. Have just heard from the manager of the chat forums. He is taking NO action whatsoever. He did suggest I refer the matter to the complaints department, so I have. G cannot continue using the forums in this inappropriate manner. The manager actually said he will not discuss this any further. Talk about 'close ranks'. My son had offered to forward all emails, the manager doesn't want to know.

In response to: Late start at relationships

SaharaSenior Contributor24 Jan 2017, 10:35 am AEDT

Re: Late start at relationships

Hi @Kalliades,

sorry to butt into your discussion.... I wish you all the best in meeting your new friend in person. I hope it goes well.

@pip,

I am wondering if you can put in a formal written complaint to the organization that you met G through? If you can go above his manager, who is obviously hopeless at his job and has no idea what really went on?

I think it is worth making your complaint heard, as this man has exploited you and might do the same to other women. People like this need to be exposed for what they are.

I really feel for you!

In response to: Re: Late start at relationships

pipSenior Contributor24 Jan 2017, 10:37 am AEDT

Re: Late start at relationships

@Kalliades. When you meet her, be yourself. She could be just as nervous and worried about the 'foot in mouth' part too. I think when we become nervous and step outside our comfort zone, we tend to overthink and that's when we stress and forget to relax. Think of it as a casual acquaintance and remember she could be just as nervous. I'm angry but I'll survive and the person who hurt me will no doubt be punished as no-one escapes punishment. Everyone has to face themselves in the mirror, the truth can be lethal and this man will reap what he has sown.

In response to: Late start at relationships

GilgameshSenior Contributor24 Jan 2017, 10:43 am AEDT

Re: Late start at relationships

Very brave mate. Well done.

But your over-investing in her. To explain... Hoarders over-invest in what they collect.

I think it's understandable completely given your history. You gotta pull back though. Become friends with her would be my recommendation.

I completely relate though. I do the same thing. I'm 32 and have only recently learnt to regulate myself.

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