Can't stop crying - what the heck is wrong with me now?

I admitted to my gf that I am hearing voices coming from within the walls. I've only heard this once before, just before a major psychotic break in which I became violent and unable to communicate properly. I'm pretty scared and want to stay close to home in case anything happens however I am going to the footy, cricket, shopping, relatives and friends homes etc. My depression is making me exhausted but at the same time I feel irritated and agitated by these symptoms. I still think the recent heatwaves are responsible for this because I haven't done anything differently recently.

I see my psychiatrist on 2 February and now again, my respite has been bumped back because of my gf's daughter's birthday party in late February. I am now looking at March for respite. I've been waiting since November and the cracks are getting wider.

Thank you @BlueBay. I will try.

Hi @Queenie,

I'm concerned about you hearing voices coming from within the walls like you did just before a major psychotic break in which you became violent and unable to communicate properly. I can understand why you are feeling scared. It's really important to address this before it escalates - do you agree?

Okay so your psychiatrist appointment is next Thursday 2nd Feb - is it possible to call their office, let them know about these symptoms and ask to bring the appointment forward? That must be really hard that your respite keeps being pushed back. I wonder if it's worth talking to your girlfriend about how the cracks are widening and prioritising your mental health over other events?

Keep looking after yourself,

Shimmer

I agree @Shimmer. I called my psychiatrist's mental health nurse and now I am waiting for a call back from the office. The receptionist did say she's put me on an emergency list, however there are a qiute a few people on it, so I might not be able to see him sooner than next Thursday anyway.

Explaining things to my gf is difficult sometimes. I know she doesn't want me to go to hospital for respite but it is better than staying at home and falling to bits and then going to hospital on an ITO, don't you agree? She is coming with me to a psychology appointment on 3 Feb too. My psychologist wants her to be on the same page and understand what is happening for me at the moment.

My gf is pressuring me still to keep going out and about. Tomorrow I'm going to the cricket match with about 35K other people. That bothers me, especially when I am like what I am at the moment. I'll go though to keep her happy (she really excited about it). Tonight we are having a BBQ in the park, so hopefully it will be a quiet event. I don't think I can handle too many big events right now one after the other.

@Queenie There can be a sense we develop when we know we are getting dangerously stretched .. listen to it and I hope your girlfirend listnes to it too.

My son is saying similar things to me .. Mum I am an introvert .. I dont want to go out .. it doesnt do anything for me .. etc .. I had been arranging activities for him for a long time ..

it can be difficult knowing the exactly the right thing to do .. as we all often do things to please our loved ones.

Getting the balance right .. is unique for us all .. I know sometimes .. I am just too stretched and am just going through the motions ...

take care @Queenie of course it would be better to avoid an ITO .. but I hope you can get better help of a maintenance .. not crisis type.

@Queenie

So sorry you are going through this, like the other said listen to your body and social functions I hate them and find I get all manic and stressed on the day - so much so that my partner now says that he wont tell me in advance only like the day before.

Thinking of you....

Good on you @Queenie for calling to be put on the emergency list. Hopefully an earlier appointment will come up, but if it doesn't, keep doing what you're doing in keeping an eye on your symptoms and letting your psychiatrist know if they escalate further.

Yes I agree that getting respite when you need it is preferable to staying home, feeling worse, and possibly going to hospital on an ITO. It's understandable that it is a difficult issue to discuss with your girlfriend - it's great that she will be attending your appointment so that you can get on the same page about it.

That's tricky trying to work out when to go out and when to give yourself time out. @Appleblossom makes a good point about finding a balance, which is a challenge! Any ideas about where you could start with that @Queenie?

I am trying to find the right life balance. For instance the BBQ was actually nice this evening as it was deserted except for crows. I even cooked the food which I didn't think I was up to.

I agree that it is far better to go in as a planned respite admission than a crisis admission which can last many months (especially if I am involuntary status).

Ah bleep! I tried to get into contact with my father to see if he could see me for my birthday this week, but he refuses to answer his mobile. I put it out there on social media (I have family members on there) that perhaps they could contact him on my behalf. I got shot down by someone who suggested I should just spend the day with friends instead. It hurt because I don't have any. I lost them all when I became mentally ill. All I've got are people in other parts of the world whom I've never met. No real life friends. I don't go anywhere where I could meet friends either. I was attending a voice hearer's group but that fell by the wayside becaise I always felt unconfortable there.

I think I just don't matter. end of rant.

So glad the BBQ was bearable @Queenie

and its true for me that crows and birdlife are often better company than hooman beans.

Its not fair when you do reach out and get .. a vacuum or bad taste response.

I have finally become more proactive about my own birthday.

i found it not worth reaching out .. personally .. it took a while to realise how isolated I am .. but now I just do something small or big for me ..

I loved it when I had a big performance last year on my birthday .. but the birthday was my secret.

You do matter, but not all of us grew up in nurturing environment.

Take care @Queenie