Can't stop crying - what the heck is wrong with me now?

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope and @Kurra. The hospital is a strange environment because it isn't an acute setting (it's a private clinic). Most people here are living with depression and/or anxiety disorders. Schizophrenia and bipolar is a rarity really. There are informative classes during the day in which participants undertake either CBT, ACT or DBT based therapies. I am bewildered by most of them because I am not sure which best fits for my problem (probably CBT as it is challenging evidence therefore I can challenge my psychotic delusions). I pop into a combination of all three therapies, if for no other reason than to pass the time.

I triggered myself seriously the other day (wednesday) with attending serious Gestalt based group therapy. I didn't speak but found myself feeling like my past was coming back to haunt me by it being brought up by other patients in the group. Some things I've never mentioned before to any therapist, psychiatrist, not even a friend, nobody. I guess the skeletons in the closet came knocking. Since then, my psychosis has been intense. derogatory voices and visual 'hallucinations'. I was told by another patient that I am far from mentally ill, these are the voices of the dead and departed and I was obviously a medium of some sort. Perhaps I am? They frighten me whatever they are...

Surprisingly I heard from my Dad and he even agreed to visit me in hospital in lieu of birthday wishes. I figure now any relationship I have with him is a dead relationship. I must come to terms with yet another loss. I am a virtual orphan now and that hurts when I know he gets on amazingly well with his 'grandchildren' from my stepsister.

I have changed my look as of today. I feel like I was too recognisable and therefore a target. My head is shaved and I have several more piercings now. I don't want anyone to know who I am. I prefer anonymity as it is safer that way. Others conclude this is part of a fixed delusion of my illness. I however disagree. Welcome to my life as a human target! My family doesn't help matters with that.

Anyway thanks for the reply and sincere apologies for the lengthy ramble. My thoughts jump from one thing to the next to the next is a rather disjointed manner at the moment and, were it not for the medication, I'd probably be incomprehensible. So thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading.

Regards,

Q

Feeling rather jumpy today folks and can't seem to settle. I've had the maximum daily dosage of all three of my antipsychotics and still I am having psychotic rumbles through my brain! Can anyone assist with a good practical list of distractions that I can do in hospital? So far I sleep, use internet and computer and listen to music loudly in my ears. I am paranoid of others, so engaging in social aspects of hospital life would be almost out of the question I'm afraid...

I just realised however something I've never thought before until now. Some people on this forum I know quite well in reality. The anonymity of this forum (which we all cherish) protects us from knowing exactly who is replying and reading our posts. However my cover has been blown, as someone from my real world has discovered who I am on here. I am not overly worried bvy this fact, unless of course some of what I share falls into the wrong hands (then, excuse my French, I am right royally effed).

It's come to my attention I ramble a lot of late. The nurses say I might speak when only spoken to, but then it is like the floodgates open and I seem scattered in my speech. I reply at least I am not using word salad like I did in the past. Nor do I think I have been abducted by aliens or the like, I am simply a sza trying to make sense of a very imperfect world.

Think I'll end this post here.

Hi @Pepsimax, that sounds like a good start. Thanks for your contribution to the 'Get Rid of Nasty Psychotic Symptoms List'. I'll certainly try them out. I am not allowed out but do get my gf visiting me, so I'll put in a request for a crossword magazine, I don't mind crossword puzzles and other word puzzles.

Unsure at this stage @Pepsimax. I don't think I've suitably impressed the psychiatrist yet to allow me to come home. He basically doesn't trust me as far as he can throw me (considering I'm morbidly obese). Here's to mastering crossword puzzles in the meantime!