needing to justify oneself

@Change123 I looked at that link. What a minefield for me. I think that is something I'll definitely come back to as I don't have time now but I can see it helping although it's quite complicated. I might have to work out a simpler one. It's still hard to know when you are justifying in a good or bad way. There is something on the forum I've been worried about saying for fear of justifying but still haven't worked out if it's good or bad. I found it a really interesting dynamic between you and your partner over the justifying thing, it made me wonder if I did it with my exes, I suspect I did.

poor @TAB has copped the bad end of me justifying stuff which went sour for us both once. I think I learned though @TAB 😊 Thanks for your support and thoughts on a few threads. I'm a bit on overload at the moment re self development and making a mess of lots of things but trying. I hope you are going ok. 💜🤗

OMG @Change123 you are writing about me again!!! LOL

That is me completely, i struggle with making decisions, having to justify to others. All my life I had to justify to my mum, even up until 7 yrs ago. Now we don't speak and I am the one who has to make the decisions - it is very very difficult.

I will say yes to someone or about something and then quickly change my mind. It drives me crazy.

When I answer yes there is always a 'BUT' at the end of my sentence. I don't know how to change it.

@BlueBay@TAB@Former-Member@Former-Member

I read through the link and no wonder it about boundaries and not letting others overstep our boundaries and us keeping our boundaries.

So @BlueBay This is something we both have trouble with so no wonder this effects us (or we are twins separated at birth! lol) I still think the latter

So since I have had issues with boundaries and find it really hard I might play games with myself as I did with emotional discipline and not think of this as a boundary issue but practice to not justify. By learning to not have to justify myself this should then relate back to my boundary issue and help with that. Did I confuse you , nearly confused myself!

I'm going to add this to my emotional disciplines to not justify my answers and try to give only short or yes/ no answers.

Hello @Former-Member @Change123 @TAB @BlueBay @Former-Member!

I don't have any resources yet, more of a self discovery in that growing up you always feel as though you should justify everything you do to your parents, and then it's about learning how to do that but without too much detail I'm not sure I have found a way of doing that yet?

I think knowing what is too much is personal, for me: The right way would be when you share information with someone you trust and have a connection with and that information is helpful/postive (not to make them or yourself feel worse), I guess just being more assertive. The wrong way would be that, sharing information to justify something you did that is wrong and not acknowledging that, details that are unhelpful or makes you feel lower or higher than someone else. I can sometimes also feel when I am over sharing so I take a breath, step back and just stop.

There are still times when I feel the need to justify, it's just about having that insight as to how you feel after doing it and really taking note of that so you don't repeat it in the future, or if you do over justify trying to move on to something positive so you don't get wound up in the details and feeling bad about having just did that...

It's confusing!

Lunar

Yes @TAB family dynamics is personally a big trigger for justifying everything. For some reason this dynamic never changes and makes me feel like a child again, nobody likes being interrogated or judged.

I think thats it, being judged based on someone elses values when you have your own, so you feel the need to justify so they understand but regardless you open yourself up to be judged because they don't have those values and beliefs, it's kind of pointless!