needing to justify oneself

This is a big one for me @Change123. I learned about it on the forum last year. Any time I justified myself I ended up going down my rabbit hole and it didn't work out so well. You just reminded me I've been meaning to talk through this with my therapist. I don't really undestand the dynamics behind this yet.

Thanks @Former-Member

My partner always says to me "I just need to know yes or no not the whole big story" and that can be for the simpliest of the things.

I'm wondering if its becaue maybe our thoughts were not validated when we were young so we now have the need to validate/ justify things as we go along - not sure...

But its something I definitely need to work on and stop doing, I guess self worth and confidence comes into it as well?

Hi @Change123 bits of that sound familiar, a bit like trying to make a 'reasoned' reply, and then having the 'explanatory'/reasoning/concessional part picked apart, then left wondering 'well if that happens, prob best just to stick to facts/necessary bits, in my case it was usually a sign that things weren't going too well with other party in conversation, re interest/respect/pushing for answers in form they wanted them

Hi @TAB@Former-Member

Found this (link below) some reasoning behind it but it has excercises to help get over it - will definitely give this a good read. Incase you guys want to have a look or anyone else.

http://www.marytynes.com/2015/05/28/how-to-stop-justifying-yourself-to-everyone

Interesting @Change123

hello @Change123 @Former-Member

Hello I am very aware of this also.

I also think that what you have said could be possibly part of the reason in some cases.

You mentioned about validation of thoughts when we were younger.

For me it is about being listened to , being heard.

your partner's response represents how, many relatives, friends deal with the issue if they are aware of your illness. They basically cant fix you, advise you (hopefully have worked that out), snap you out of it.so they skirt around it.

I have had quite a few discussions on this with my husband. He does want to talk about my illness some of the time. He still is no closer in understanding, but he does now listen when he can see that I need to be heard. I dont go on and on about it either because I also want to be me, not thinking about the illness.

When we had a meal out at a pub nearby last, i was talking to the owner's mother who was setting tables etc. New owners. I asked my husband how I came across afterwards. I said tell me honestly, everything.

His response "you sounded fine. The only thing would be that as you continued the discussion it was noticeable how passionately you came across" yes I understood I was emphasising the importance of being heard. In the past he was frightened to tell me anything like that. I think that they think we will break! lose it! go completely mad!

This was valuable feedback for me. This is what i feel. I can now try and work at a balance. I am not saying it is going to be easy.

hope that is of some help.

Hi @Former-Member@TAB

@TAB funny you mention the chattiness and awkwardness of not seeming natural.

You know I was just doing it instead of saying what I want I started to explain a big story but realised and deleted it all.

My partner said he spoke to his mother and they had a conversation about how I can seem a bit "quirky" around her and he replied "well she hasnt ever had a real mother to communciate with so she doesnt know how to act and is learning" .

@Former-Member

I'm getting to the stage with my partner that he will tell me "you dont need to say this or that just be straight up" he is good in telling me so I can learn from it and now his attitude is much better towards me. Rather than yelling at me later saying ........ he will just pick me up on it straight after its done and that does help as you can reflect on the emotion and how to get around it.

I'm starting to get a kick out of doing the right thing and acting / behaving correctly so I'm hoping that " kick" will cement it more in mind.

Its all work in progress.

Thanks for your feed back

@Change123 I just meant I had experienced it. It isnt always the case, and I probably tend to hang back in conversations usually. Can't your partner just accept you for who you are though? Not sure how the talking to his mum about you or the yelling fits in . Where you there at the time?

@TAB

Oh its ok with his mother she knows not so much BPD but I have issues from family trauma and is very supportive. No I just meant that she has noticed that I'm not "natural" with her, probably the same as I am now with others. Always worried of saying the wrong thing - suffer a lot from footnmouth, if there is away of saying inappropriate at the wrong time innocently THATS ME! LOL but yes I find conversations sometimes and depending who they are very challenging as I seem to revert to justification and then I feel stupid later thinking why did I have to do that.

Work in progress but this is something I will give definite attention to now.