Touching the darkness

Hi @Former-Member,

That so good that you went to your appointment. I'm sorry that it was difficult for you. If there is anything you would like to talk about, then please go ahead.

I remember feeling terrified of having to tell my psychiatrist and my therapist some of the things that were going through my mind. I was afraid of being judged. But what I feared did not happen... I was not judged.

Good to hear that you got some sleep.

Today is a new day. What are your plans? I want to go cycling before it gets too hot.

Hi @Former-Member,

thae bike ride was great, thank you. I had a kind of lovely day, really. How are you this morning? Did you sleep ok? Did things go well with the doctor's appointment?

I hope you have a chance to do something you enjoy today.

Hi @Former-Member

I have read your thread and about your dark places and dark thoughts and I think I understand

You were in hospital for a long time last year I recall - and you got very angry during that time - and it occurs to me that your anger helped you to uncover a lot of the feelings that were buried inside you and now they are coming out but you still have a lot to do - and right now you are stuck - asking yourself what do you do now and what is this all about

We all have dark times - so that in itself is normal - it's life - and for now - as you have said - "Life sucks" - I get it

And people have all sorts of ideas about medication - and if you need pills - you take pills - the idea is to help you live your life which is pretty hard for you right now

I am glad you have come back and are trusting us with the dark place you are in right now

Dec

Good morning @Briar @Diprotodon @Sahara @Decadian and all the moderators,

thank you for helping me through when I got lost and confused.

How was everyone's week? I still don't have the energy to read much through other posts so I am sorry if I don't catch up with you much in other places and being back at work...

Well being back at work is actually really hard but I so much appreciate that I have a job as I think it is so hard to get back in the workforce after an episode, and at least I can go back to where people are that I know. I don't say that in the morning when I have to go to work and I don't say that when I get down and overwhelmed at work, but as it is the beginning of the weekend and I know it is true: I am grateful that I have a job. And they are trying to be supportive which is a mega plus. My psych asked me if I am catastrophising when I am worried about losing my job - hmmm, still not sure about that one, but then trust in people is definitely something I struggle with.

Since I have discovered the dark place I have tried all sorts of self defence and lately I just stuff myself with food until it is literally up to the flood gates. I've missed my grandma yesterday (she passed away many many years ago). I could just lie in her lap, even as a young adult and she would just run her hands through my hair. We did not speak the same language so all our communication was touch or pointing based. My grandma was a very spiritual woman.

I think finding my darkness has changed my struggle. A lot of therapists talk about the onion, where you take layer by layer off. I think we just peeled the onion. My recent dreams reflect the anger, hate, insecurity, shame, ... I am still not allowing myself to fully feel. My world used to have two emotions happy and upset. I still marvel when I finish a session and my therapist says to me, you were really angry today, as I sit there and think - was I angry???

Stay present and get yourself back into the present is "all I have to do", no homework, no CBT, no DBT, nothing, just try to stay present. I think that is what frustrates me so much, as it feels like I'm not doing enough, no goals set, but after the last week I know again, that staying present is the hardest thing on earth, so perhaps it's more than anything else I could ever do.

Thanks @Former-Member for the recommendations in the other thread. I'm looking out of the window now and think I should be going for a walk. Perhaps I walk to the bakery to get bread rolls. I've started listening to "SLOW" like you I like listening to books while I walk or in the car. It gives me the chance to press stop and think about what I listened to and rewind when I need to (do they still call it rewind since we havn't got tapes anymore??)

I hope you all have a lovely weekend x

Hi @Former-Member

I'm glad you have a job - and if I was in your position I would be worried I might lose it too - it's a big step forward and you don't want to stuff it up so you will be sensibly looking for ways to prevent that - knowing it might happen

And your psych asked if you were catastrophising!!!!!!!! D'uh - how that word annoys me! It makes me wonder if he has ever had to make such a gigantic effort to do something which to many people would be commonplace

You need to have eyes in the back of your head when you are driving yeah? - So you look in your rear vision mirror - just because you can't see something doesn't mean it's not there - and I wish you all the best with that

About your granma and you not speaking the same language but that it was all by touch that you communicated - I understand that - my Gran and my mother and I are/were all a bit psychic and we could all be thinking the same thing at the same time - and I got on with my gran fine but not my mother

And toward the end of her life things were so tense between us it was useless to visit - but I saw her a few days before she died and she couldn't hear or speak so there were no words to get in the way and so we said a lot to each other in silence - the ancient link between us was stronger than all the confusion

I do know what you are talking about with your Gran -

And I understand you being in the shadows peeling back the onion skin - and then refocussing in the light to attend to the here and now and getting on with the issues to hand - and it is natural to return to the shadows for a while and then come back out into the light

And I do like the way you wrote this

All the best Flower - and hold fast to your values -

Dec