Red's house

I hope this doesn't sound presumptive @The-red-centaur but could all the energy required to try to get yourself 'stable' have potentially depleted a lot of your internal resources?

@Jynx idk.

But my health has been in decline for a while. Add chronic fatigue and immunity issues on top of multiple other things wrong, my body and brain just never seems to be able to recharge. I often wake up more tired than I went to bed.

@The-red-centaur I feeeeel that... I got thyroid problems so the mornings are always hard. Chronic fatigue on top of it all? I am not surprised you're so depleted.

What do you find can help 'refill your cup'?

Nothing refills my energy.

Depression is seeping back in with a bunch of other thoughts. Im too tired to fight it off.

Sigh. Everything just hurts.

Hey @The-red-centaur, I can really relate to depression seeping back into my life too. It has been a big part of my MH journey and I have found it quite overwhelming for sometimes long periods. I think a lot of my depression comes from isolation and lack of connection with people. I'm curious how you are managing it and what you are doing to cope with it?

I concentrate on the things I need to do like work, some socialising with frineds and staying in touch with my family who live interstate. I'm a little more motivated to exercise at the moment so walking regularly and going to bed earlier to accommodate exercise in the mornings. I have noticed that I have naturally stopped drinking as much this year and I think this is having a positive effect on my mind and body.

Love to hear from you and hear more about your story!

Take care

RiverSeal

@RiverSeal thanks for the reply.

Im not sure why my mood is dropping. My fatigue has been bothering me so much, and I feel like my support workers dont listen or understand. I dont feel like I get much help from them tbh, it leaves me feeling like I'm a burden and they only like it when I am functioning or doing things with them.

Being neglected is a bit a trigger for me, maybe thats why it bothers me. I struggle with communicating my thoughts and feelings, and I find my staff just push me instead of listening to me when I am struggling with something.

I spend too much time in bed overthinking, and I know that isnt good for me. But im so chronically exhausted i can't even sit on the couch and engage in shows or gaming all day. My health is a big driver for my depression, and I'm not sure what do with that.

And there is stuff with my mum, its complicated and im not sure what to think or do about it. I dont have a psychologist or psychiatrist for a while and its not something I could afford.

I just paid over 3000 to get a reassessment, and I'm not sure if it will achieve the desired outcomes.

I dont even do art anymore coz I'm too tired. I miss painting.

Hey all. Im not sure if anyone but the mods see these but oh well.

I feel the need to express myself but also the burden of having people worry or be upset by me. I guess this spaces makes me feel less of that burden when 'verbalising' my thoughts.

I feel like my existence can be too much for other people. The feelings I'm not worthy of support regularly flick through me, but at the same time feeling of im not getting the supports I need and deserve and I should be treated better, I deserve to be heard, theres nothing wrong with speaking out also flick through me.

That push and pull is exhausting, and in someone who is chronically exhausted sitting with those feeling can be a lot. This space makes me feel like I got it, its been acknowledged and it wont burden others who are already struggling and make their struggles worse.

Ok, now thats out, im going to maybe rant and put some thoughts out there. It probably wont make sense, but eh, I dont care.

Finding ways to cope with my pain and my struggles is exhausting as I no longer chose to opt out of it all together.

Saying all that, I'm sick of life being so fking hard, I dont want to have to plan my days around doing as little as possible, but also managing to get things done and keep my shit together and keep occupied.

Im tired of having to ignore being mistreated by support staff because i give them the benefits of doubt and give them compassion when they dont work effectively.

I was given ndis and supported living funding for suicide and self harm, now its not a major part of my life i feel like support staff just rock up to work, get away with doing nothing, go home. As long as I'm not hurting myself its all good.

My health has significantly declined and only my coordinators seem to give a shit about that, my trauma eats away me constantly but im no longer doing active therapy, so its like now if we ignore it its all good.

I am pursuing autism/adhd assessment and rediagnosis away from bpd due to how my supports interact with me mostly and the effect it should have on my ndis and other supports. Its a big $3000 gamble and I'm hoping something good will come from it.

Finding joys and beauty in life and pursuing life to the full, sometimes doesn't feel worth it. But i know it is. My life is worth it and good times and the simple beauties and pleasures we find along way make it worth it. Finding peace in joy in the small things makes me glad I didn't die. Im content with myself, but I cant deny that is easy.

But life isnt promised to be easy, but in the end its what we got, and I guess all we do is make the most of it.

hey @The-red-centaur,

it's nice to see you around and i appreciate your honesty. moving from a point of not wanting to be here, to wanting to live is such a huge transition. and like with most transitions, there tends to be a bit of mental conflict. perhaps our mind found comfort in what was familiar (i.e. the struggle)? but now that you're moving into a new head space, i can imagine it's really tough adjusting.

in addition to that, i can see that some of your supports aren't really meeting your needs but i'm really glad that your coordination is someone you can lean on.

with time, these feelings/thoughts around wanting to live will feel familiar and easier too. i hope the adhd/autism assessments provides you the answers you need. 💙

what have you been up to? are you still doing art and playing soccer?

p.s. i've just added a few spoiler tags to your post, hope that's okay!

@rav3n i ended up with a concussion at last training session, but apart from a few injuries soccer has been great. The session is wrapping up now and we only have the award ceremony and wrap up on the 14. We also have a club end of season thing next week too.

I havent done art for a long time. Ive been just way too tired. I will get back into arts and crafting once the season is over. I am looking forward to October coz I love Halloween. Im already planning my decorations and costume lol.

@The-red-centaur ouchhh, hope you're okay!! i haven't played team sports in so long, i forgot how rough it can get. glad you're having fun though. when does the next season start?

i went to costco (for my first time) last week and there was a bunch of really cool halloween decorations for sale. i've always wanted to decorate my house but been putting it off... this might be the year to finally do it! what costume and decorations are you planning?