Time away from forums

@Snowie I was really tired last night so went to bed early. Uncertainty is hard to sit with particularly when you’ve experienced trauma. I’ve also read uncertainty is difficult for those on the spectrum.


I hope you’re doing well this morning 💖

@Snowie sorry I didn’t respond earlier, been emotionally exhausted. Had return of body flashbacks on Sunday and Monday. Oddly, I had an onset of body flashbacks during a mindfulness exercise on placement, don’t think that ever happened before.

I hope you are doing okay, hon 💖

@Snowie sometimes I feel like I’m digging myself into a hole. I’ve chosen to live life this way, always on guard and not letting other people in. Of course the emotions will build up. I didn’t even come on SANE Sunday night when I was having body flashbacks. I didn’t tell anyone, I just kept it to myself. I was too paralysed to say a thing even though I wanted to. The flashback obviously carried into the next day

@Snowie I haven’t ever written out a flashback, I’ve written poems which helps, but I’m not really the journaling type because I feel like I get a lot more out of poetry.

I hate admitting that I often feel lonely, I feel like I don’t meet many people on the same wavelength as me. I also probably mask a lot, which probably adds to the disconnect. The more I think about it, the more I see avoidant traits. Like I don’t know if I have avoidant personality disorder, but the traits are becoming more and more obvious. I feel totally worthless and I’ve convinced myself I am, and feel like I have to be guarded, I have hypersensitivity to criticism, I feel too inept to have social conversations. It’s probably a trauma response, though I don’t believe AVPD has to be lifelong as they often say personality disorders are. I don’t know if I’m reading too much into it as it’s hard not to in the industry. There probably is a part of me who also believes I’ll get hurt in other ways, like be exploited, so there is that too

@Snowie I hope you slept well last night and today was kind to you 💖🫂

I feel sick to my stomach, I’ve had spasms, a migraine and body flashbacks today. I got through the day, placement keeps me busy, the nights can be hard