Is there anybody out there (wanna lend me a hand)

@OM108 TW 😢😥Today I learned that a good friend earned her wings on Monday. Instead of my post pdoc appointment play date there was a note in my door from her partner asking me to call.

It was sudden and unexpected. He told me she went peacefully which gave me comfort. I'm stunned, in total disbelief and well aiming to fill several dams over the coming days. I have a totem animal - the Kookaburra. Hers is/was the Willy Wagtail. Those cheeky little charmers have been entertaining my furbaby and I all week. Usually just 1. Today there were 2. I went to the shop to replenish the tissues and some more baking ingredients and to simply be a part of the regular activities. We hadn't spoken in a while due to illness and a complex interpersonal conflict with mutual friends and we had only just connected again. I am so grateful and thankful that although only brief we managed to celebrate her 60th, enjoy some gossip and make plans for future get together. I'm still in shock and meandering mindlessly crying and trying to get the essentials done. I've fed the cats. Always top priority. Of course it's unlikely they would let me forget.😏 I've been blessed by people taking the time to phone me when I have shared and have supported me. Grief can be a lonely journey.

Hugs @Radarears .

Hearing you. It must be hard. Thank you for sharing this delicate moment with us.

Please know we are thinking of you. Hopefully, this will be less lonely for you.

@tyme Yes it does help being able to share. It's difficult because I have never been allowed to express my grief because of the distress it triggered in my mum. Very little comfort. But this morning I had a planned attendance at a suicide prevention forum. Most of the purpose went over my head but it is about identifying gaps and flaws in the system, creating specific support groups and really a place for people to share their stories. The smoking ceremony was so powerful and healing and I felt as if I was attending her funeral. I had advised them in advance and my wonderful counsellor held my hand and stopped me running away when it got too much. I was in a world of physical pain as well and she took me to the room with couches to lie down. It was a very well presented well managed event and people were heard and respected and being part of a collective was something I hadn't experienced before. My difficulties will come when I return to the centre where we met up. I'm choosing to extend my suspension until I'm able to manage the memories. Her sensible partner is doing same and staying with family due to a very difficult neighbour. He's reducing his load while he goes through the practicalities following a death and protecting his mental health. Thank you all for being here for me.

@tyme @OM108 a wise woman shared that she "cooks her feelings not eats them". I'm sorry to report that it is possible to do both. Not feeling motivated to do much atm and cooking and baking are therapy and interests and decided to get the apron on. Started well. Cream of greens soup. Plenty for quick healthy meals. Almond butter. On sliced apple or toast. Then I decided to bake cakes for the people who are helping me. I lost my recipes, came up with my own versions and well had to test them didn't I? Plus childhood habit of cleaning the bowl. The aroma of a cake baking and the pleasure derived from making something that can be shared and enjoyed as a treat is a great mood booster. Fear not they are healthy cakes. The decadent ones will come later. I put together a play list of songs to remember my friend and played them while I was occupied. Lots of memories. Because I've been and still am so unwell everything fell on its head. My routine, my rehab, appointments you name it. As long as I attend the right place on the right day I'll be doing OK.

LOL @Radarears . You made me laugh. I like what you just posted. Very interesting food for thought 🙂

@Radarears

Yes!! So many good things in there...had my tastebuds going too! Really happy to hear how you love cooking, baking, eating and sharing wholesome, healthy home cooked food. I am with you there... especially while listening to uplifting music. Gets ALL your five (or even six) senses activated big time!

@Radarears

Oh my...just reading this now. How sad to lose a good friend like that. Lucky you were given an opportunity to celebrate her 60th and reconnect at a heart level.

I read your other post about attending her service. You were brave to go and it shows how much your cared for your friend. So glad you had strong and caring support around you to hold you together. Grief is a lonely journey...but also helps to reach out to others when you need a hand. I distinctly remember when you did that here in the forum. They can be the pivotal moments along the journey.

Take care of yourself

@OM108 @tyme Having a bit of a moment. I'd got through a seriously bad "TRG(Trauma Response Gala)" episode, an epic lasting 3 weeks with sinusitis an added bonus when my dear friend flew away with her beloved willy wagtails. Now the TRG has decided to start a party in my head. I don't sleep well during these events. I mean I am a bit of a rager and a party animal. So now I'm gearing up for the next big shindig. I wish the Olympics would hurry up. The only Netflix I have is in my brain and watching endless episodes of "As the Stomach Turns" isn't for me right now. They say that healthy eating is based on the ratio 70/30. Healthy mixed with comfort crap. OK fine. I think it's perfectly acceptable to reverse the ratios now and then. 70 comfort crap 30 healthy. A dear friend maintains that potato chips are healthy. They're potato which is a vegetable and they're cooked in vegetable oil. Also healthy. Ah well.

Hey @Radarears ,

How's the cat training going? Will they make it to the Olympics?

As for the potato chip, reminds me to chocolate... cocoa bean + sugar etc... much be considered a vegetable...

@tymethe cat has now qualified for the Olympics. Mum impressed the HITH nurses on the first day under their care by collecting a wee sample. This cat doesn't use a litter tray. He wasn't well mum wasn't well and a trip to the vet was likely due to his bladder issues etc. Decided to get a sample then ring vet for advice. Impressing lots of people with that. Now he's become independent and doesn't need mummy to take him for a wee. So repeating it will be a challenge. Now we're advancing to building his panic and anxiety management skills. He's learning the "relax" command. He crosses his front paws when he gets panicky and has this "Joe Cool" look on his face. Now I match that with "Relax" and a "Bic bic". Almost my entire pension goes on bic bics. 😅🤣😂I'm also building his resilience to reduce his anxiety. Sadly though I did the worst possible thing. I reduced his bic bics. I was running low on those and funds and not being in the right head space decided now was the time to reduce his treats. We are in the worst mh crisis cycle and mum decides in her wisdom to deprive him of his comfort food. By which I mean he was only getting the bowls and treats refilled once or twice and a handful not two. Absolute meltdown. Prn medication, tripling the quantities and peace was restored. My cats are very sensitive and when I'm unwell they both get stressed and he especially drops his little bundle too. I'm so challenged atm and am over the frequent flyers with clinics and doctors. Now I've just discovered I've shrunk 6 CM in height in 3 years. Be nice if it was breadth but can't have it all your own way. Seeing gp about echo results to check on my heart condition and it'll be a by the way they measured me because of a cyst in my brain and guess what? Good news is the cyst is just a cyst the leaks are probably stress and no real threat and just some bloods on a day when I'm calm and relaxed. Within 4 weeks. OK then. Oh and it's fasting first thing in the am. Challenge accepted. Que Sera as they say