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Something’s not right

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I don't have a cool title for this.

I an tired and sick of myself.

So what do I do...I make it worse.

I was upset when I got home late last night. Instead of doing what I should have and just go to bed, I hurt myself and end up in hospital. Making the situation worse.

I feel like all my carers hate me. That they are tired of me and my risk to self. My carer is angry at me about the incidents of early hours of the morning. So many carers have quit because of me over the years.

That's not even my problem. I feel frustrated at myself that I am not recovering. And in the 15 years I'm battling self harm and suicide that the world doesn't trust me and my friends family carers dint trust me. I am not supposed to be left alone.

I thought pursuing my dreams and therapy would change my thoughts and behaviours. But I feel so messed and broken. Do I even deserve to pursue it all and even life anymore.

I'm getting so physically sick all the time because of my self harm. I'm just a drain on society. I should just quit.

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I thank you for the kind words.

I really don't deserve them.


I'm sorry everyone.

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There is room for you, @The-red-centaur .

I'm having the day off today, I've been sick for three weeks and now the end of my cycle, so weary. Scraping and scavenging for leave.

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@BossBaby hope you're doing ok and got some rest today.

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@The-red-centaur Thanks so much!

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@BossBaby hope you're doing ok today.

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Me tho. I'm not ok.

I feel like thete is much I want to say. But I can't. I stare blankly at the keyboard and just feel numb. Life just doesn't feel worthy it.

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Hi @The-red-centaur,

I am so sorry that you're not doing okay

I can imagine it must be overwhelming

Would you like to have a chat? We can start with just talking about 1 thing that's on your mind

Sitting with you ❤️

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@lavenderhaze idk what I to say.

I feel as if my head is exploding. Yet I feel like I'm nothing. Like I don't exist and my thoughts no longer exist.

I feel pain But I no longer care what hurts. It feels so messed up rn.

Life doesn't feel worth the effort.

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@The-red-centaur what a rollercoaster... but without any of the fun. I have been myself in a place where it feels like being pulled in many directions, unable to settle anywhere, both numb and overwhelmed... It can be excrutiating to feel so many conflicting emotions to such an extreme degree.

Sometimes what has helped me is to bring the focus right down to the most basic, and approach it from a 'bottom-up' perspective - attending to basic needs and focusing on bodily sensations rather than getting lost in the thought spirals.

Anything you can do right now, large or small, to change up your environment, or attend to your needs?

Here with you hun 💜

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Thanks, @The-red-centaur , slowly getting better from this cough/sinus bug. No heart palpitations. A couple of triggers at work, making notes now so I can monitor triggers with heart health. I'm just going to watch this music video as it aligns with one of my most personally meaningful affirmations - I had a dream a while ago that someone near me said to my daughter "Your mum said to trust innocence." Attending to basic instructions.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rk_sAHh9s08

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