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Something’s not right

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I don't have a cool title for this.

I an tired and sick of myself.

So what do I do...I make it worse.

I was upset when I got home late last night. Instead of doing what I should have and just go to bed, I hurt myself and end up in hospital. Making the situation worse.

I feel like all my carers hate me. That they are tired of me and my risk to self. My carer is angry at me about the incidents of early hours of the morning. So many carers have quit because of me over the years.

That's not even my problem. I feel frustrated at myself that I am not recovering. And in the 15 years I'm battling self harm and suicide that the world doesn't trust me and my friends family carers dint trust me. I am not supposed to be left alone.

I thought pursuing my dreams and therapy would change my thoughts and behaviours. But I feel so messed and broken. Do I even deserve to pursue it all and even life anymore.

I'm getting so physically sick all the time because of my self harm. I'm just a drain on society. I should just quit.

180 replies

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In response to: Enter a subject?

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Im sick of trying. Of getting through. Of the strategies and the stuff you're supposed doing.

In response to: Re: Enter a subject?

Re: Enter a subject?

@The-red-centaur You are looking for a way of ease, "automation", that reliably works without conscious effort or strategy?

If this is so, it reminded me of a quote I read years ago by Chögyam Trungpa - "If you are a spiritual warrior, decency means that you are not cheating anybody at all. You are not even about to cheat anybody. There is a sense of straightforwardness and simplicity. Decency is the absence of strategy. It is of utmost importance to realize that the warrior's approach should be simple-minded sometimes, very simple and straightforward. That makes it very beautiful: you have nothing up your sleeve; therefore a sense of genuineness comes through. That is decency."

I want to consider to what extent the way you are looking for is possible before dismissing it prematurely. To what extent can the mind/body operate / heal / recover / progress?

In response to: Re: Enter a subject?

Re: Enter a subject?

It can be exhausting @The-red-centaur. Sucks how much work goes into healing and recovery. It does get easier... but we are also allowed to take breaks - even from the healing work. What would it look like for you to take a break?

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Re: Enter a subject?

@Jynx

I'm trying. There is so much I can't explain or talk about here.

I'm tired. I took a break today and spent most of the day in bed. I'm listening to tunes and doing some colouring. It's my tiny bit of effort I have left.

In response to: Re: Enter a subject?

Re: Enter a subject?

Fair enough @The-red-centaur it can be difficult to navigate hey.

Nice one, glad to hear that little pocket of energy is going to something nurturing. I'm about to pop off for the night but feel free to tag me any time if you want someone to chat to, and I'll respond as I'm able.

Hope you have a very chill rest of your night, friend. Chat soon 💜

In response to: Re: Enter a subject?

Re: Enter a subject?

@Jynx hope you have a good evening.

I just finished the pic.

I'm getting my carer to make me somehting to eat. Im really not in mood to eat.....but I know I have to.

...Here is to self care

In response to: Re: Enter a subject?

Re: Enter a subject?

I'm sick of everyone just sending you to the next service and not actually helping. I guess it's just too hard and I'm not worth it.

What is the point of it all. Why do I bother anymor.e

[edited by moderator]

In response to: Re: Enter a subject?

Re: Enter a subject?

Hey @The-red-centaur ,

I'm sorry you are feeling this way at the moment. I hear how tired you are of being yo yo'd between services.

Can you think of something you can do to distract yourself at this moment? It's not about fixing the problem, but simply a distraction to keep you safe.

If you do not feel safe, we encourage you to hop online and call 000 as the forums are not a crisis services.

What the forums CAN do is provide you with the emotional support that may help you get through this moment.

Thinking of you.

In response to: Re: Enter a subject?

Re: Enter a subject?

Oh @The-red-centaur did you have to public today? Aren't you supposed to be hibernating?

Take care.

In response to: Re: Enter a subject?

Re: Enter a subject?

@BossBaby publicing could have been easier.

Lifeline always say i should speak to a professional when i call them and as I'm in a bad hole at the moment I spoke to suicide call back service for the first time in many years. They directed me to my mental health team. Who directed me to my pbs and carers who said call lifeline.

And pretty much everyone buys want to send me to ED.

Ik sick of hospitals and ED.

I've been trying to rest and recoup but my brain has been making that hard.

I feel like I'm torn ways....listening, doing the right stuff, doing the strategies. Or just give up and give in.

I keep getting texts from my Dr to make an appointment but earliest I could get to my GP was Friday. He keeps saying we need to discuss some results.

I don't think I can get there tbh.

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