Soul sister

@Zoe7

I've found the message now and have given me a bit to think about. It was lovely message and it helps me understand you a bit more.

I can't believe how much we are alike and I am also a very private person too. But I can also be quite outgoing at times too. I sometimes worry that you don't think I care because I don't say much, you know that is not true.

I often have had people confide in me and I will never repeat what anyone has said to me. That is just who I am. But I also know I am not perfect and I don't expect others to be either.

Thank you for kind words and seeing so much of me, I feel good that you are able to see me and that care so much to write to me and tell me what you see. I think some of my pain comes from being super loyal to people and they have not appreciate me- I think this similar to what you said.

Going back to what you have just said I think in your last post I think re you worried about being let down by others in past and scared it will happen again. Someone told me to take away expectations in a relationship and that way you can't be hurt.

I do know I have a good heart and mind and that I am a very loyal and thoughtful person and I hope by you having a relationship with me (sis, friend), I can help with you healing and moving forward in your life. I truly mean this.

Love you sis

@Zoe7

Thanks for your message sis

I do understand you being scared to get close to someone and you wanting to walk away- I can tell you now that I will not hurt you in anyway.

I am glad you feel cared for and loved. I think that is a really good thing. Just remember you are worthhile and precious too. I think you need to have people in your life and that most people are good.

Yes you do deseve to be happy and to enjoy your life too.

You seem really switch on and you know what to do to look after yourself. I hope you can just relax and enjoy the next few weeks of your holidays.

I am enjoying my time with my mum and I have more family coming tomorrow so that will be lovely to see them too.

@Former-Member I definitely don't think you don't care and you say more than you think! I don't need to know 'your life story' to know you!

The fact is I don't have friends I can talk to (certainly no-ne that I would tell any of the things I tell you) and I have so many reservations about talking with my family members about even day to day stuff because they are so negative and I am always waiting for them to b*tch about the same old stuff and I don't want the drama in my life constantly. I have enough trouble dealing with myself let alone their sh*t.

You say that you have a lot to think about - is there anything in particular?

Don't get me wrong - I don't believe you will hurt me in any way - that's more about my insecurities and the self-protection that I have had to have for a very long time. There has been too many heartaches and disappointments that I really just stopped 'feeling'for so long. You have brought feeling back to me. But being able to feel again will also allow all the painful feelings in. I am really scared of that! Putting them aside and blocking them out has saved me. Having the feelings in sessions and with flashbacks I have been very much in a state of 'dissociation from reality'.

I am in no doubt that you have a good heart and mind and very much appreciate that.

I think the exhaustion and feeling sick over the last few days has just made me doubt myself and fall back into where I've always been - and I need tocontinue to find ways to not just stay afloat but learn to swim - with your help and support I have faith that I can one day achieve that.

your big sis

@Zoe7 Hi sis

You say that you have a lot to think about - is there anything in particular?

There is nothing wrong if that is what you are worried about- its actually a good thing. You have seen things in me that I have not thought about in a while and so much how you explain yourself I am very much like that too.

I really don't have anyone in my life that I talk to you like this either. I understand why you are hesitant to share your day to day stuff with family too. I'm in place in my life where I just want to enjoy my life. I want to do the things I want to do and be true to myself and align my life to the essence of who I am.

Just remember how you enjoying your beach walks and meeting people on your walks with Toby and hopefully you can meet people out with your dog.

I have another week until I see my specialist and this will not come around soon enough. I will have my mum here until Tuesday and that will be a good break for her.

I am not sure what I will be doing tomorrow, I think I might take my mum to the pool and then have a long relaxing lunch.

Are you sleepy????

That sounds like a lovely day tomorrow sis @Former-Member. We are expecting showers on and off for the next 4 or 5 days. Sucks!!! No beach!!

I'm not sleepy but am feeling a little nauseous and have a headache (probably from crying! Did take a few more meds than should have! Don't be concerned - not stupid - just a couple to numb the pain a bit more and dull the headache so I can get some sleep tonight!

What about you? You should try and get some sleep for tomorrow

@Zoe7

I am hoping you feel better and your meds work for you- I am a bit worried you took a few more. Whats worrying you- or is it just being unwell and also crying this afternoon.

I am not sleepy atm but I will probably be heading off soonish and knowing me I will probably not sleep until around 2am or even later.

I know next week we have rain here but it still will be 25 degrees and I am looking forward to the cooler weather and to be able to train a bit more.

Does it rain much in Feb/March? Is this the warmest time in Tassie?

@Former-Member It doesn't rain much feb/march and it is the warmest time in Tassie. It's actually rained more the last few years throughout the year than I can remember for a long time. Hobart use to have the second lowest rainfull of all capital cities - it just gets too bloody cold in winter!!!

Don't be concerned about the meds - I'm only allowed 5 days supply at a time for my sleepy meds but had a few extra painkillers - so all good!

I do know part of what is on my mind - do you have a little bit more time or are you ready to try and sleep?

@Zoe7 I though Feb/march was a good time to come to Tassie.

I thought you might have taken some painkillers too but its not a good idea to mix them- have a talk to your GP when she is back from holidays.

I will be up for a while, so I am here to listen.

GP gave me prescription for the painkillers also - don't interact with the other meds - probably shouldn't have taken more than prescribed but only a couple more so don't be concerned.

Yep feb/march best time - still thinking about coming to Tassie in 2018?

I'll try to explain - as best I can - what's been going on in my head over the last week.

Not sure if you remember but last session last week with psych I was very distressed and had a severe physical reaction to something she said. It's been playing on my mind all week - over and over. And it seems that everywhere there are little triggers that bring me back - not to my past - but what she said. Even tonight I read something on another thread and it hit me in the face again.

After what we she said it really hit me hard in that one moment exactly what I'd survived. I'm finding it really difficult to comprehend how I did survive. I know I did, and sometimes I really wish I hadn't, but when she said that it became so real. It was no longer something I could try and deny or avoid -it was out there and it wasn't going to be able to be locked away again. Understand sis? @Former-Member

@Zoe7 I understand what you are saying and what was spoken about in your last session

I honestly don't know what to say because I don't want to say the wrong thing and trauma is such a complex thing. I am glad you survived and you are here. I have no real understanding of what you experience that day or more importantly how it impacted you, I do have some idea but everyone responds differently to trauma.

I have not read much of the other threads other then to respond to a few other people. To me what you are experiencing seems quite fresh and almost like what happen to you happen yesterday, it seems quite raw atm and maybe you have been like that all along. Some people can have tramua that happen over 20 years ago and when you talk to them, you would of thought it happen yesterday because the feelings are so strong. To me it shows how much fight you have inside, and you are a warrior .You are probably experiencing some strong emotions- have you been given strategies to deal with them.

I know my trauma has affected me quite a bit too over the years, I am not going to write about it here because its something that is very personal and the best advice I have ever been given was from my IVF specialist and he told me to focus on what I am good at and even though that was his advice I had already been doing that and he just affirmed what I was doing and it made me feel good to have someone so supportive and encouraging of me.

I hope and pray that you are able to find more peace in your life

Sending you lots of love and light