Soul sister

I am still going through the process I have not got out the other end yet.

I have slowly improved through some of these activities/strategies -Kira, reduction in stress, lowered expectations for myself, I went overseas for three weeks May (2013), Hospital admissions, Therapy (not so much important), Exercise, diet etc

Just basically doing the things each day that I thought might help and taking care of me. I think also knowing when I had enough and knowing when to rest (listening to my body). Its been quite a slow process but I was really severely depressed- I feel lucky in many ways still I am not sure if I will fully recovery though because I have underlying depression on top of the severe depression

I hope this helps @Zoe7

@Former-Member Yep Toby has definitely kept me alive - so he's definitely a positive for me too!

I think work and family are my two biggest stresses - sadly I love them all so need to work on ways to manage stress and anxiety there. Like you - I have extremely high expectations of myself - need to focus more on letting go here, not doing so much at work (ie extra jobs I take on) and not being so hard on myself when I don't do things perfectly!

I went overseas for 3 months in 1999 (UK, Ireland and Europe)- where did you go?

I think that therapy is still really important for me - probably second only to wanting to be able to exercise and get physically fitter. My diet has always been pretty good - love my vegies and healthier choices - don't like fatty or salty foods and don't generally eat anything really sweet.

I understand the underlying depression and I think that is my biggest concern. It has been there for most of my life and the severe depression with serious SI has happened a few times (like this time). I can't see that ever going away either but really want to be able to manage it. I am quite good at knowing when it is getting really bad - but only when I am physically well can I do anything to stop it getting too bad and not hitting rock bottom.

One of my concerns at the moment is not being able to go to the beach with Toby in winter because I know how susceptible I am to getting sick when too cold. Too many lung and bronchial infections over time. Our beach walks have helped me get out, exercise a little and just BE with the world.

I do need to start listening more to my body and not pushing too hard -and being able to say NO to what others want me to do when I know I'm not up to it.

Sorry for pushing so hard earlier lil sis. Hope one day you will be able to trust in me as I do already with you

@Zoe7

I think over the year my therapy will become more important I think but my true hapiness comes from playing sports and focusing on what I am good at, it helps me stay grounded.

I do trust you probably more then you realize and hopefully I can open up a bit more . I think we get on really well and I enjoy chatting with you so much.

Perhaps I am doing better then I am giving myself credit for, and I have a tendency to be really hard on myself. I think me experiencing my first depression (MDD) it basically brought me to my knees and I have basically had to get back on my feet.

All good sis, I am okay and these happen a long time ago, and to me its in the past now and I am looking to my future more and stopping looking in the rear view mirror.

One of my biggest trigger for my severe depression was going through premature menoapuse and that really affects me and I think that might have been the major thing leading up to my depression and some other things too.

@Former-Member There is absolutely no pressure to open up or tell me any more than you want. Just let me know if I have crossed a line or gone somewhere you don't want to go. You often tell me more by not saying anything anyway. I have never had someone I can be so me and open with. I haven't even talked to my GP and psych about some of the things I have told you. I really do understand the trust issues (not your specific issues but in general) and I love how well we get on and our chats.

I think you are doing really well - you are focussing on the future and doing so much for yourself. I'm not quite there yet but have more faith since I've met you than I can get there. So thankyou for that. You really do inspire me.

That must have been really difficult for you - thought I was going through premature menopause too but was just my body telling me I was not well - too late - got sick etc. etc. So young to go through that. I have never wanted to have kids (don't think any explanation why needed with you) and not sure what you wanted but either way - still too young! So very sorry As for the other things - tell me, don't tell me - doesn't matter - all up to you. Just happy chatting about our day to day stuff - and maybe the ocassional offload from my end!!!!!! Sometimes just getting it out helps for me and having you listen means the world - but I'm sure you know that by now

@Zoe7

I am just reading your message now sis. I know there is no pressure for me to open up to you and I will do that in my own time. I just trying to process my thoughts and I do find it diffcult to open up and then people tell me they find me to be very open and honest. I have been through quite a bit in my life but I have tended to take it in my stride and to make sure other people in my life were happy I tended to put myself last.

In some ways I think I have open up to you quite a bit about myself and more so with you then I have done ith anyone else. I find it interesting that by me not saying anything tells you more and I am not sure what that entails for you but I think I can see were you are coming from and how that speaks volumes. I think its part of my value system and also having integrity.

My premature menopuase was diagnosed, and it was one of my major triggers like I said, and its affected me in ways I don't know. I worry about my health because I am young etc. My anxiety went through the roof with the drop in hormones. But in reality I have coped with it well.

I am just trying to get on with things and hopefully be a good person to my family & friends.

@Former-Member I get the feeling from our many conversations that you have always been a good person and perhaps put everyone else before yourself and that has caused you a lot of hurt in the past. Maybe wrong about that but think I'm on the right track here! That's their loss. If they haven't been able to see who you really are and valued you as much as you deserve then better off without them. You're too special not to be treated with dignity, respect and also integrity.

I have tended to be the person who sits back and listens to everyone else and not let anyone know anything about me. I am a very private, insular person (I know you probably think - no way) but I really am. I don't let anyone in and I certainly don't trust people. Maybe they go hand in hand. I am always the one that people talk to and I keep their secrets and never let on to anyone else that I know stuff, and certainly never show any outward signs if I am told things that hit very close to home! I am often told that I am easy to talk to and I believe that is because I don't tell people anything about me and just listen, sometimes suggest options but never give advice as such.

By not saying much you actually remind me of myself so much - there is so much inside but by you listening and showing so much empathy tells me what kind of person you really are - I find that quite refreshing as I am constantly surrounded with people who think they are better than everyone else and have all the answers (whether you want to hear them or not). You don't. But you do having amazing insight and whatever you have been through has also given you a greater level of empathy.

And I think you have coped amazingly well with whatever you have been through in your life and especially your health issues. You really are one of the special people in this world and I do believe that you find trust in me - which is very much reciprocated. You don't need to tell someone everything in order to have trust - I think that is really part of what I was trying to say earlier.

Think you may have gone to bed - hope you have and you get some sleep!

I'll be up for a while longer 'cos still wide awake!

Talk later

Love ya sis @Former-Member

@Former-Member Afternoon lil sis.

Just got home from shopping and getting ready for appointment this afternoon. Bit on edge but ok.

Hope you have a great day with your mum.

Will be home about 5:30 (4:30 your time). Hopefully catch up with you sometime tonight.

Kisses to Kira

Luv your big sis

Afternoon sis @Zoe7

I've just got home from the shops too.

My mum has not arrived yet she was coming up after lunch so she should be here pretty soon, I have not spoken to her today.

Take some deep breaths, I always find do some breathing exercise helps me relax a little, I have technique that really good- place your thumb on your nostril and push it in of course and take a deep breath and hold it for 2 to 5 secs whatever is comfortable for you sis. It truly does help.

Kisses to Toby too from me and Kira

How is your throat and temp today?

Hey sis @Former-Member

That nostril thing does work!!

Throat and temp better today. Temperature back to normal - throat a little sore but better - glands still swollen but down a bit also today.

Did you have a good sleep? I was up for ages - did the washing up though!!!

What did you buy today?

Bought a pendant for my necklace today

reminded me of you - thought it would help having the reminder with me in my sessions - something to hold on to

Need to leave now. Hope your mum turns up soon.

Happy thoughts for you and deep breaths for me xxx