Soul sister

I just feel that most of the time

But I am getting over that, I am not sure how

I think I have always been comfortable in my own skin

Do you feel similar? @Zoe7

I try to lock so much away because its too painful and just try to focus on what I am good at and surround myself with people that accept me @Zoe7

It looks like we are the only ones still awake @Zoe7

Thanks for the chat tonight sis

Kira is awake beside me atm.

I'll have to put on the aircon and to cool down the room a bit.

Its meant to be hot new years eve here 40 degrees.

@Former-MemberThere have been times that I have felt like I have fitted in and actually been the 'centre of attention'. But that was generally only when I had a few (or more) drinks and actually didn't have the capacity to think clearly or let my mind remember anything. When I have been 'accepted' or had positive comments I have always wanted to say 'what you see on the outside is definitely not what is on the inside".

I have locked myself away as much as possible since I was a child. I have absolutely no idea why you wouldn't be accepted and to me whatever reason(s) you think there are, the only thing that matters to me is who you are to me - my friend, my support, my rock!

I do want you to be able to open up more to me if you want to but there is absolutely no pressure - just know that I love you for who you have been to me and right at this moment I not only wish I could take all your painful feelings away but also I wish I was right there with you giving you the biggest hug in the world.

Thanks sis @Zoe7

I should not really say fit in because I am not someone who expects anyone to fit into a box, I think its more about acceptance of one and another. I think its more about the qualities people have as opposed to what they may do for a living but more about what interests them etc. I try to look for similarties with people and I think we have more similarties then differences and I think that is when I accept people for those differences.

Do you know why you want to hide away- I think that is a good insight?

@Former-Member When I was a kid I wanted to escape the pain of the boys who were abusing me - they lived in the same street. I also thought it was all my fault and that I'd be blamed for doing something wrong - which has taken me a long time to realise I didn't! Therefore I shut myself away from everyone because I felt like the whole world knew and I would feel even more guilt and embarassment.

Then when my dad started to get really violent I would lockmyself in my room to escape - until I started protecting my mum and sister - that's when it got worse. I threw myself into the things I could control - school work and sport and I think just like you tried to excel in both.

This trend and habits have continued throughout my life. Anytime I have tried to 'venture out into the world' something else has happened and the torment just starts again. So I lock myself away to protect myself fromfeeling any more hurt and pain. Understand?

@Zoe7

That makes a lot of sense, more so then how I explain it.

I am so sorry for what happen to you, and you are no way responsible for what happen to you.

Is that stuff you are orking on with your therapist and family of origin stuff?

How old were the boys that abused you?

@Former-Member I think that is the most succintly I have been able to explain it.

I know I am not to blame but it has taken a long time to begin to actually acknowledge what happened that those feelings of blame have not disappeared quickly.

Working on both of those things but really wanting at the moment to work more on the abusive relationship in early 20s and find a way to not feel like I was going to die. He tried to smother me while assaulting me early one morning that's one of the main reasons I don't sleep - I don't want to because I don't want to wake up thinking I'm going to die. Then I get really anxious and can't get to sleep at all.

I'm not exactly sure how old the boys were. I think they were still in High School but had left when I got there - so 15 or 16 maybe (really not sure - it certainly felt at the time like they were MEN not boys and I suppose at that age they were more men than boys!)

@Zoe7 You have explained it well.

I have got no words for what you experienced has a young girl and also what happen to you in your 20's. I can understand why you can't sleep and how much both these traumas have impacted you.

@Former-Member

They have considerably shaped my whole life- what I have most wanted is for none of it to have happened - now I just want to be able to move forward somehow and actually live some kind of life that is free of pain. I know that isn't completely possible but when these times come around it would be nice to be able to deal with them quickly and move on. I actually can't seethat ever happening! Too much of my mental energy has been spent for too long trying to keep the thoughts and feelings from destroying me.

I get what you said earlier about everyone accepting people for who they are and not what they do. I get so frustrated in my job when teachers etc. are continually praising themselves while putting down others. It IS NOT a competition. Why do people have to make others feel small to boost their own egos. It just shows a distinct lack of their own self-esteem and moral values as far as I'm concerned. It's even worse when they pit down the kids - many teachers so often forget that they are only kids and that it is our responsibility to make them feel safe,secure, cared for and helpthem learn.

They are too often pushed to be academically brilliant and the other wonderful things that make up our world - art,music,sport etc. are treated as secondary to their learning.

In saying that - what did you do at school - or where you happy surfing all day? Sounds like the life tome if you did!