Running out of steam again

No @Acanthiza , I don't have bipolar. I was told I did (along with BPD), and took bipolar meds for 10 years and was then told I didn't have bipolar and it was BPD (borderline personality disorder only).

I also had depression and anxiety... but for now, I don't have anything apart from cranky pants sometimes, but I don't think 'cranky pants' is in the DSM5 lol

ah OK Tyme, well I was looking at things from a perspective of not trusting emotions because of mania. I actually thought I might have BPD before I got a diagnosis because so many things resonated with me. They seem to have some similarities for sure.

Only a matter of time before cranky pants is in the dsm for sure. I am glad you are free from depression and anxiety. I will never be free from them and I have more or less accepted that. It helps that neither are at the level they used to be (really hoping they never get that bad again. Well it is because of all I learned so it shouldn't happen. Still afraid)

Lol... yes. We will be in contact when Cranky Pants hits the DSM lol.

@Acanthiza . I still have times when I down and anxious, but it's not crippling and it doesn't stop me functioning. I think that's the difference.

I'm interested to hear why you think you won't ever be free of depression and anxiety? Is it currently manageable? I have to mention, I do take anti-depressants. Perhaps if I stop the AD, then depression will return?

Well I have had anxiety literally all my life, from as far back as I can remember. I ran away from pre-school because I was anxious about what people thought about me. I thought some insane things as a kid and in retrospect it was anxiety. I've had depression since I was 16 and it is part of bipolar 2 so it seems pretty likely I will always have it. I am on mood stabilisers now and they are definitely helping but they are just taking the edge off a little / letting me recover faster. The depression is still there.

I don't know if upping my dose would fix that, if other people completely wipe out the depression. It is something I wonder about but I know I will not get an answer because everyone is different and reacts differently to medication. I am a little worried about side effects I suppose, am already grateful it is working and only have a bit of brain fog maybe, very difficult to tell! Certainly my creativity hasn't been affected which a lot of people seem to get.

Alright I strayed from the original question again. Apparently I chose my name and picture well, I am exactly like a thornbill just jumping from one thing to the next and constantly distracted.

Oh yeah, is it currently manageable? (how do you quote people btw?) It depends on your definition of "manageable". I am not in danger, I have a point of reference in when I was really bad and haven't gotten close to that again. But I still don't function very well, work like 15 hours a week and still feel completely drained by it. Have anxiety spikes that can be very hard to overcome. I am actually finding it a bit hard on the forums here I don't want to annoy people and don't want to intrude when it seems like people know each other and are having personal conversations. I can get pretty fired up about mental health and I am trying to keep that in check.

yes yes, I definitely write way too much. I don't know if your depression would return if you go off anti-depressants tyme, these are the questions for sure. My dr said I would be on mood stabilisers for the rest of my life and I would tend to agree. I kind of felt like I got as far as I could being unmedicated. This post is already way too long but one day I will share my painful journey out of the depths without any external help, something I completely do not recommend in any way.

Hey @Acanthiza ,

Please don't feel restrained by the number of words.

Thank you for sharing parts of your story. It certainly sounds like things have been very difficult for you in the past, and now, you can work a little, but not a lot.

My drs are happy for me to try and get off the anti depressants, but my psychologist said, "If it's not broken, why fix it?" Fair enough. And I know with these anti-depressants, the side effects of withdrawing are intense. ..I'm not ready for that.

I really hope things will improve for you. They may not completely disappear, but I like how you phrased it that you've learnt to accept it. I think that was me with my MH, and only then did things get better for me.

thankyou @tyme I am adjusting to this new diagnosis as well. I think it is really hammering home that these emotions will remain intense which is a bit of a worry. Yes things were very difficult, if I remember too much I begin crying haha I would make a good method actor. I also have some gaps in my memory from when it was really bad which I vaguely remember one of my psychologists saying is a trauma response. Trauma from extreme emotion I guess, I don't know how these things work and feel like a fraud a lot of the time. Still psychological problems to solve I suppose. Pity psychologists are so expensive and it is so hard to find a good one. My old psych retired, though he was also pretty unhelpful when it came to bipolar so probably for the best.

Withdrawal... something I hadn't considered. I suppose I should check what would happen if I stopped taking medication just to be informed.

I have a lot to share about mental illness. A lot of stories, some of them kind of funny I suppose, or maybe just funny to me. Like when I started writing on my pants and covered them completely with text. I don't know what was written there but somewhere in a landfill was some real proper manic rambling. I also thought I could control the outcomes of random chance like influencing dice and that kind of thing. Thought I could control fire and it was something I could train. But mainly my issues with reality were more on the end of thinking everyone hated me including my friends which was probably more on the depression side of things.

I guess I write a lot because these are a lot of things I haven't really shared. Even with psychologists I was reluctant to talk and it is only recently that I have made real breakthroughs with anxiety. Which is why I am on these forums at all. Thanks for listening tyme, I would completely understand if you didn't want to read a novel though lol

No, go ahead and create your own thread to post what you want @Acanthiza (within guidelines).

I personally used these forums as a way to document and share what I was going through. Much of what I would not tell anyone in real life. The anonymity of the forums helps me feel safe in sharing and I feel a sense of connectedness with the community. This is what I missed from the real world. I didn't have people to talk to about my mental health, and I think I ended up suffering more because of it.

When you are isolated with something like depression it is a feedback loop. Even worse if you muster up the courage to talk to someone and it turns out they were the wrong person to talk to. I think I had three tilts at trying to get a mental health care plan with clueless doctors and my anxiety stopping me each time before I finally found this current dr.

Yes I am just writing things out, documenting them as you say. Something quite freeing in putting these secret things you carry around onto virtual paper. Should I make a new thread? In the my story section I suppose? Yeah I am not really in need of out and out support I will do that in future @tyme

Medication is making me sleepy now as it is wont to do. Thanks again for talking to me, the frogs are singing in the night, I will let their croaking be my lullaby. Goodnight!

Good night! We will speak another time @Acanthiza