Running out of steam again

I've had a not great couple of days. Actually I woke up at 1:30 this morning and thought a lot of true but very unhelpful things. I managed to break the thinking loops and even got back to sleep eventually... maybe 4 or 5? I have no idea, got up at 7:30. Been feeling sick today, weather isn't helping, and then had to go looking at houses with mum.

Too much stress, too much trying desperately not to be negative. Too much thinking about things that I still don't have solutions for or about times that have slipped by. Still feeling guilty about minor things from a decade or more ago. I suppose this is more of a vent than anything, it is so unpleasant to wake up into a terrible mood.

Well tomorrow might be better, and I will probably spend it trying to just get by. And that is how the days slip away one by one and I find myself here... you can kind of see what I've been thinking too much about!

My blankets are nice and soft, I have the windows open with cold air coming in, gentle rain on the roof. Frogs calling along with night insects, everything is peaceful and nice I will try and let my mind just be a part of it.

Hey @creative_writer I am not amazing at the moment. Fine though just normal stuff. I've upped the dose of my medication since that is a thing the dr said I could do last time I saw him. Some people worry about becoming like a zombie with no emotions but to be honest that sounds kind of great.

I hope you are doing alright I know things have been tough for you. I appreciate the check in ❤️

@creative_writer I meant to respond but I have not been feeling too good. I am feeling like I just want to fold in on myself, fold and fold until there is nothing left. My instincts are always to deal with things on my own I don't know how healthy it is. I am trying to challenge that more and more and actually talk to people but there have been some bad experiences doing that as well.

During my worst times I was all alone with it, and somehow came through it but I wish I had help back then, it was pretty touch and go for a while.

Thinking thinking too much, maybe I shouldn't be here thinking as well, or maybe just trying not to think about things is bad also. No-one really has the answers we are all just trying things and seeing what works.

I started writing stream of consciousness, I will stop lol. Like always hope you have a good night and many great things tomorrow and beyond.

Thanks @creative_writer it means a lot to have people to talk to, even if I don't feel up to it a lot of the time and just wind up saying whatever. I still need to write about what it was like when I was at uni and really isolated and how I made it out of the worst time of my life without any help.

It was that experience that made me want to talk to people now and hopefully help as much as I can, but it is really nice getting some support too.

Trauma... I wonder. I haven't experienced anything like what you have, but my first psychologist did say my memory gaps were probably a trauma response. I still feel like I was lying about them and about how serious anything I have felt was / is because I have psychological problems and have like, imposter syndrome over mental illness or something lol.

Thanks again I hope you are having a good night