Running out of steam again

At least you have your own space for now @Acanthiza.

The uncertainty of what is next is so hard. Anxiety and uncertainty are not a good combination. Are you going to move with your mum or move on your own?

I did relook at my life after my diagnosis as well. It explains a lot. There are some pretty clear signs. I still even look back at things and go ‘oh yeah… manic’

I did go to the GP several times from my 20’s - early 40’s fr or depression. They would give me anti-depressants and I’d be on my way. Everyone always said that it takes a couple of weeks for them to work. But, since I had underlying bipolar, they sent me hypomanic!

I still rapid cycle and have mixed episodes. It’s really horrible and I don’t think people really understand unless they have been through it.

I accept that I have bipolar and I accept that I need to be medicated but I am struggling to accept that bipolar is for life.

Hi @Acanthiza. @sparticus1 Yes I have been diagnosed with bipolar 2. About 5 years ago

I don't know what I think about the diagnosis.

I was diagnosed during a particular difficult time. My mood dropped. My partner had lost any interest in me. My job was stressful with changes made which were contrary to my basic beliefs. In rsponse to this I did certain things I'm not proud about. Does this mean I had bipolar? Or was it just a 'reaction' to the circumstances. Or was it just triggers for bipolar to manifest in me? Did drugs help? I don't know. Would I be worse off without medication? The drugs certainly screwed with my sexual desire and ability. F****d with my desire to do anything. Or was this bipolar? I hoped I'd have a good, stable mood by this, but I'm not (any?) better.

I try to enjoy my "good" moods, and survive the "bad".

Sorry for the rant. I haven't been able to share these ideas before.

My psychiatrist just wants to give me drugs. My psychologist keeps coming up with different diagnoses. I just try to hang on

@Captain24I can't move out on my own unfortunately, I don't earn enough and my rental history is mostly nonexistent. It's hard enough for people to find rentals these days, it has always felt completely impossible to me. I am generally fairly useless though, thanks anxiety! My mum has an insane plan to spin this house into two and she will split her time between them so that she has a place way out in the middle of nowhere where she can be away from everyone. Good in theory but I don't know if isolation will be good for her.

Anyway, what else? Doctor's and such? I haven't had much to do with them, tried a couple of times to get help, found it too hard and never followed through. It is only recently I've been able to handle anxiety enough to properly talk to people about what's really going on. Unfortunately the first dr I saw was atrocious. Completely ignored me when I asked about bipolar and prescribed me anti-depressants. Luckily for me my instincts said not to go with them and I have never been on them, being on mood stabilisers is my first experience with medication, it is all very new to me!

Oh yeah when I told him I have had depression since I was 16 he said "who broke your heart?"

What a tone-deaf arsehole. Tried again, lucky to find a dr that also had a psych degree. He had a long waiting list which I took to be a good sign, waited it out and finally got a bipolar diagnosis.

People definitely do not understand, I am happy to be here where others have gone through similar because I don't think you can get someone to know what it is like to have endless hopeless despair. And then to have a mixed episode where you are getting angrier and more fired up and the emotions are all unbearable, or flipping between thinking you have all the answers and this one thing will solve all your problems and thinking that nothing will help. OK ok, enough about that.

@DoogI am definitely unsure of a lot of things about this bipolar stuff. When was I just in a good mood? Was it hypomania? Have I ever really felt "normal"? I thought the depression was just because I am sensitive and had proper causes but now I am hearing it is more about chemical imbalances / whatever causes this stuff. Sometimes hanging on is all we can do and yeah, hope the mood swings back to being alright again.

Well I hope you are both doing as well as you can, and everyone else struggling along. You might have noticed I like to write too much 😅 It is only a matter of time before I go on a proper rant about mental health and cultural attitudes and how there could be better support and so on. Dealing with mental health problems is my biggest success in life, and kind of what I am most proud of, but it is hard to talk about and pretty much no-one will understand why or how it is such a big thing.

Ok seriously enough now! Way too much tangential rambling

I hear ya @Acanthiza. Many issues with GP’s in the past. I actually got from one GP ‘you are crazy’ that was helpful.

I love your mums optimism. Good for her if that works out for her. The price of real estate where I live is out of control.

I get it’s hard to move out, it’s all so expensive now.

Hi @Doog

Hey @Acanthiza ,

Sorry for the delayed reply.

I found it very interesting to read your post about working in disability support and having to pretty much mask life at times.

I can certainly relate. At the same time, do you find that doing that gives you a bit of a break from what you are really feeling? I have to say that as hard as it was for me to mask, it did have it's place.

How are you @Doog @Captain24 ?

hmmmm, I don't think I have ever enjoyed hiding how I am feeling... and I have done it a lot! But I suppose it is good to have the work as a bit of a break from things sometimes. The labouring type jobs I've had were a bit better from that perspective since it was exercise and I didn't need to be emotionally co-regulating someone the whole time.

But all work is way too draining to me and that is the issue! Would be nice to just... function. Well can't have everything I suppose.

Slept badly. Woke up about an hour ago because a storm finally rolled in. Normally I would love a storm, smelling the rain and listening to it on the roof, flashes of lightning. But I woke up feeling terrible! Very lonely and thinking how life just passed me by, some ideation and all that stuff. I'm totally fine but it does seem unfair that you can do so much work and keep your head straight but apparently get betrayed by your sleeping self.

OK just posting so I feel less lonely and because my instinct isn't to talk about things and I am trying to challenge that more and more. I hope everyone is doing alright out there, the rain is still falling, I love the rain.

Hi @Acanthiza

I love a good storm too. How horrible to have this joy removed. Maybe get outside and get wet - lightning permitting. Sleep can be so therapeutic but can also fix unhelpful thoughts.

Hope a daytime storm heads you way soon!

Thanks @Doog it is still raining on and off. I managed to sleep a couple more hours and luckily have the day off today. Mental damage control like usual, hopefully fine by tomorrow.

You have bipolar @tyme ? I thought you didn't for some reason. I wish I could see a little blurb for people to keep their diagnoses straight, but that would probably be bad also, labeling people and putting them in boxes.

I was just thinking back on my life. Part of my steps out of being really rough was beginning to recognise a pattern of getting really excited and invested in things / people and then crashing spectacularly. Nowadays I try to remain as level as possible, avoiding any strong emotion. I suppose I still have a few "safe" emotions: my love for my family, love of music and creative endeavours (though in the practical application of that I have to pay attention because if I start to be erratic and thinking I am the greatest it is a bad sign) Love of nature - that kind of thing.

I am very good at hiding how I am feeling, I think it is something you learn very fast having a mental illness. I've had anxiety since I was a child and just completely internalised that it was not something to ever let people know about. Well I think I have said elsewhere but I thought that everyone felt the same anxieties but just coped better so I was "weak" and had to hide that weakness. It took a lot to step away from that and really only happened in my mid twenties. Anxiety is pretty common alongside bipolar right? I had it bad, it actually makes me tear up a bit thinking about kid me, never had much of a chance.

Well I am sure a lot of people had it worse, I hope things have gotten better in general than when I was a kid, more awareness for mental illness, schools better able to recognise it. Not sure... I know there is a lot more awareness and screening for things like autism but I don't know about mental illness. A lot of people probably think kids can't experience it. Blah blah blah I write way too much and the brain just meanders about. Actually I am going to move this entire thing to my own thread and not clog up anywhere else so I can be safely ignored if people don't feel like reading a big block of random text.