It is not rosy on this side of my world. My partner has been discharged for the 4th time, I think, with the hope that he will stick to his medications. Unfortunately, one week after, he just stopped taking it. He has a problem with compliance but that is one of the meds that was really working. Now, he has no treatment, has a schedule to see his doc next week and started being paranoid again.
I tried to be understanding but when he opens the topic about his paranoia (people pulling over or parking their cars near our house are there to watch him because the drug dealers told them to) - either I zone out or reason with him. I tell him I know that he is angry, frustrated but people do their normal things. Not really because they are watching him. Of course, that is really not a good reason for him because his belief is different. He is not making up about the cars because we live in a busy street and people normally stop to answer a call, do a u turn or smoke.
Sometimes, I feel like giving up. I am sad, far from my family. I don't have friends and I can't even find work because he doesn't want me to leave the house. I have an online job and that is what is keeping me busy and take off my mind from things at home. Of course, when he is not well - it also affects my work and I end up just sleeping 2-3 hours a day so I can take advantage of the time he is quiet and I can do my work.
When he has his episodes, I don't engage him with his problem with the cars. I don't open that topic to him because sometimes we end up arguing. I can't recall the last time we had a good conversation that got nothing to do with his problem. And I hate it. I am not the same person anymore.
To be honest, I am embarrassed of what my life has become. My life was good back then before I moved to Australia. Then I moved here, he had his episodes and everything went downhill. It has been almost 2 years that I lived like this. These are the things I don't write home about. My mom has no idea how bad it is because I don't want her to worry.
I am thankful my mom and friends from home understand my situation (although I don't disclose everything to my mom). I dunno if my partner will be complying with his medications the next time around. Or if he will even see his doctor. Or that he will lead a better life (I just wish DOH can transfer him somewhere far from here really soon since the place is actually a triggering environment)
I just live one day at a time. I can't even plan for the day after tomorrow.
To be honest, I am drowning.
