Ups and Downs of Husband`s Mental Illness

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@Shaz51 wrote:

Hello @PeppiPatty, over here my special friend xx

Hello Everyone

Love to hear from others on the forum if you experience this

My hubby has been diagnosed with lots of things and has had MI all his life

do you find things goes ok and i start to feel confident and wanting to go forward and then everytime something always happens to upset it -- sometimes I think is it a controlling thing ?? that he wants to be in control ??

Don`t know if I am making this up , but i have that feeling ,

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Hi @Shaz51

Reading your comments now this is how I often feel.

People often laugh when I say that the light at the end of the tunnel is likley a train but that is how it feels. Problem is I am always looking out for the train.

Re a control thing?

At least in our case I think that my darling is so used to the turmoil in her mind that she does not know what to do if things are ok.

I feel bad for thinking this, especially as my darling is so unwell at the moment but it is hard not to be a little resentful at times when I need to be happy and smiling all of the time for things to function but if there is any chance that I may be content then everything hits the fan agaiin.

So to answer your question, no I dont think you are making it up.

Hello @Appleblossom, thank you my friend

it seems like the kidney is handling all this ok at the moment -- thinking of getting a checkup to see how the kidney is going xx

Hello @Decadian xx

Only mr shaz has kidney stones , I am glad I have never had one and i never want one

Yes I am sure i have had carer`s burnouts before this one and never knew it

yes there is about 50 medications I can not take because of the kidney

hello @Determined

sending you hugs

one step at a time my friend

Hello @Determined

re; do you find things goes ok and i start to feel confident and wanting to go forward and then everytime something always happens to upset it -- sometimes I think is it a controlling thing ?? that he wants to be in control ??

you answer So to answer your question, no I dont think you are making it up.

Hello @Determined, @Decadian, @Appleblossom, @Former-Member, @Former-Member, @denial

next question , what do you do ??

With my husband I had to back away as his negative pessimistic critical outlook did not seem to reflect outside realities that we were working to achieve.

I tended to be a person who functioned better in crisis and put an optimistic reading on things, even when they were challenging, but then realised most people were shocked at how I would settle for so little.

Control issues happen on both sides of a spousal partnership. I am not sure that it is actually a MI thing per se but maybe a way the combined unit self regulates the combined expectations of individuals.

I found my ex-husband quite controlling but see that as a trait that was separate from his MI.

My parents were not controlling and both had MI ????

My husband had a controlling nature, and we had to modify his expectations for the matti age to work .... didn't realise he has had mi issues throughout our marriage, but now workaholism (OCD) and BED have come up on the radar .... this new version of e.d. brought the control issues back into play at hyper-speed !! It's started to pull back this last year, although his daily regimen has a vice-like grip on him and is all about control ....

Have to deal with the mi before we can get back into sorting all that out again ....

😔

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@Shaz51 wrote:

Hello @Determined

re; do you find things goes ok and i start to feel confident and wanting to go forward and then everytime something always happens to upset it -- sometimes I think is it a controlling thing ?? that he wants to be in control ??

you answer So to answer your question, no I dont think you are making it up.

Hello @Determined, @Decadian, @Appleblossom, @Former-Member, @Former-Member, @denial

next question , what do you do ??

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Hi @Shaz51

I don't know why that question is so hard to answer but I really don't know,
I do have to make an effort not to be overconfident when things are going well and over-commit myself to things outside of family, somthing I have done in the past.

What helps me is the genuine belief that it is the illness not the person that is generating the outcome .

.

Hi @Shaz51

I don't know why that question is so hard to answer but here are some thoughts for what they are worth:

The key thing is that I have to make a conscious effort not to get too confident or excited when things are going well and over commit myself (something I am prone to do).

Also to remember that it is the illness not my darling that is driving the behaviour and,
While the behaviour often seems like a control issue I'm not convinced that the motivation is to control?
(At least in our case),

I often wonder if there may be a fear that if I am invested elsewhere, as naturally happens when things are going well, that I will not be there for support, due to my previously burying myself in work as a means of coping, not only with our situation (supporting the MI) but also the loss of my father. So when things are going well and I am starting to do more for myself it becomes an issue?

I am dealing with that theory by working at rebuilding trust in this area that my darling is the most important thing in my life and my number 1 priority. When other things pop up I have had to learn to say NO! and not spread myself too thin while balancing the fact that it is reasonalbe for me to sometimes actually do somthing for myself.

Hope that helps 🙂

Hi @Determined

It's okay to jump in anywhere here - and the idea is to read what is okay and answer what is okay and don't let it overwhelm you

So let me take the opportunity to welcome you to the website and our Forum Family - we care about each other here

You've added some good ideas here - as your lives go along it is important to have an eye on living as much with the even-keel as possible - not letting things over-excite us or overwhelm us - but like Goldilocks who liked it "Just Right" and find out what's best for us

And with your darling it is the illness - not the person - we can love the person - but not the behaviour - I had to work all that out when my son made in necessary for me to learn Tough Love - and that's what we all have to learn about other people

It's sa balancing act as you say - and we get help for ourselves when necessary and learn not to spread ourselves too thin

Decadian

Hello @Determined

how are you and your wife today ??

you were saying she is unwell at the moment , hope everything is ok

sending you hugs , keep talking my friend

Hi @Shaz51

Thankyou for asking, we have been busy with appointments (for me) and children with school so I have been a bit snowed under and not had a chance to be online. I have been watching the feed back on your other thread (via email/phone notification) which has been most encouraging, especially at the moment.

My wife I think is doing better though she cant see it just yet. We have a gp app tomorrow to discuss some blood tests. I am trusting this will enable a better solution for us moving forward and a psyc in the afternoon to work out what we do next

Regards

D