A Poem? Maybe?

Hey @peace

A belated happy birthday. Wishing you peace, joy and growth in the year ahead.

Bleesings, Kristin

this should be interesting.........

what is this thought, what is this feeling

something feels right, nothing feels wrong,

i have a smirk on my mouth, it is sort of tingling,

and a skip to my step, i feel alive and well

rested and relieved, what is this thought what is this feeling

an old friend. a new friend maybe,

happy really??? i barely remember you.

but you never forgot me did you,

thank you for finding me today

another day another lesson

with happiness comes guilt

with guilt comes sadness

with sadness comes confusion

with confusion comes anger

with anger comes annoyance

with annoyance comes self doubt

with self doubt comes lost again

Why can't i just stay happy in a good place

but alas, just more things to learn and try to maintain happiness minus feeling guilty thus stopping the rollercoaster of emotions from happening time and time again, i think this will be the one thing that will come and hold me back as i try and progress to becoming stable.

At least i know that roughly 40 minutes of pick me up music brings me back up from feeling down, resting and listening to my playlist of pick me up songs, of which i added 4 new songs too, hopefully i can utelise feeling ok from it, to learn something.

I apologise in advance for this downer.............

I have crashed and burned, Here i was yesterday, being in a good mood, thinking how good i was going, actually feeling some semblance of joy and happiness, My headspace was in a really good place, and i had my plans in place for what to achieve in the next couple of days, How foolish i was.......

I got home yesterday afternoon, in a good mood, only to discover the lovely Police had paid a visit, with a whole lot of paperwork charging me of 4 different charges with a very strong possbility of me serving jail time.

I have tried maintaining a front of being ok, even tho my head is spinning, my parents are stressed and worried, i then woke up this morning, rang legal aid, cos i had promised my dad i would, and that has just made me more stressed, and then on top of all this fun new info, my stress has manifested itself into my entire body being achy sore, and run down, everything hurts, my skin hurts, my eyes hurt, my ears hurt, my neck hurts, body legs feet arms errrggghhhh

Why did i bother even feeling good what was the point

And to make it even better, i have to wait until may for the court case, i am so wrecked physically and emotionally,

i am fighting off just collapsing into a ball and trying not to exist

i am bordering catatonic, i have been catatonic i don't want to fall that far, but i am losing the battle, i am using the last of my strength for tonight writing this post, i don't even know why i am bothering to write.

I am sorry for being a downer

i can't even try and think positively, i see my new psychiatrist next week, and my psychologist 2 days after that, but i have no idea what they can even suggest to help, i just want to cry, but i am not letting myself, i think i am deliberetly doing that so i don't upset my parents, they are talking about, if legal aid can't help with a lawyer then they will pay for one, but they can't afford to do that, i just want them to leave it be.

But they won't and i don't want them spending the money, i just want it all to end, and perhaps jail is a better place for me........

i am so sorry everyone for this nonsense post, but i have tried multiple times to write it, and i have deleted every single other one, if i don't get out of my head, i will fall badly.

Please please please don't feel obligated to respond as i said i just have to get it out of my head

i can hopefully come to terms with all this over the next couple of weeks, but i am afraid i will disappear from here until i feel better......

apologies again

peace be with you all,

Thank you