A Poem? Maybe?

not a poem, not even a verse, but sadness and pain.

i am really struggling, i thought i was fine, it hurts inside and won't even be numbed, the history i've had, i've been down this road before, the torment and torture is beating me down, why do i think this, why can't i see, i need to realise, that i can be free, alone and trapped, saddend am i, with the memories.

i find myself longing, for all the right answers, to put an end to this chapter, there is nothing i would want more, i know i should be happier, i know i should be excited, but now i have fear, scared of my plans, i find myself sabotaging, what i want to do. the path is now slippery, i know i will fall, hopefully not very far, or hopefully not at all. But my footing is lost on the path, and it's all passing so quickly, how far backwards am i really headed.

i don't know why, or even how, my thoughts have betrayed me, the voices keep chanting, my anxiety resonds, by tormenting me daily, my paranoia keeps flaring, why can't i get a grip, temptation is there for the taking, i don't want to go back but it seems to be the way, my thoughts are against me.

how do i go from ok to sad, where is my happiness, why can't i be glad, why do i feel the need to numb it all, i know it's not the answer, but it seems to be the only way, i am not talking of hurting or harming myself, it is my demons inside me that are seeking the drugs.

why are they so easily accesible, yet help for me is quite a trial.

do i take the wrong path and continue this evil, or can i find the strength to deny these feelings

why do i struggle, with the simplest of things, why can't i help myself to heal and be free, i am so sorry, i am so sad, but the happy front is strong, and covers up the bad, nobody i know realises what is going on, on the outside i seem to be handling life just fine.

stupid me and my masks and pretending i am happy, why can't i be honest with those closest to me.

i have lost all hope, i have found myself seeking faith, but there is no such thing for someone like me.

I know you all are very kind and generous with your words, but to me nothing sticks, except the crap in my brain, i ask for forgiveness, i ask to be free, he does not help me, he does not care, i don't blame him, i have not been very good, they say he is caring for all of us, but it seems to me that i am ignored, why can't i have faith, i just want some guidance, but he does not want to shine a light in my direction.

sorry for this post

sorry if it offends

sorry for being a mess

sorry to the end

sorry for disturbing the peaceful place

sorry for being sorry

i am ok, i am safe, i know the numbers to call, i just had to write to get out of my head

thank you all for allowing me to have this space

thank you all for your support

thank you for you all being you

thank you

JA47,

my writing is nothing, it is my own way of trying to free myself, i don't get the chance, i don't get the choice, when i write it is what is needed, to be released from me to ease my torment, i can't turn it on, i can't turn it off, all i can do is, nothing.

i am nothing

if i were something, i would be better, i would be kinder and not getting sicker, i would be at peace i would be rested, no need for fears or tears or prayers. i don't know what you mean, i don't know what to say, i don't write for understanding, i seem to only able to hurt and be in pain.

you ask me to stay in this moment?

a moment full of pain, it hurts me to stay here, it causes me great pain, deep within me, an ache that doesn't fade, a tightness of chest a coil of snakes in my gut, i don't like it here, it is not somewhere safe...

where do i go, how do i return, answers i seek, i write from deep inside, with no knowledge of where, and once i have stopped typing, i have to read what is written.... as i have said before i disappear when i write, it is not me who does it, i have no memories of the typing, no knowedge of what is written, and when i read what i have done, is it done, usually i am grieving, for what i have lost, i seem to switch of and my unconsicous comes forth, telling my tales begging and pleading, trying desperately to seek the answers the meanings

i feel better when i have written, but then sometimes not, my head hurts, my eyes blur, and i realise i am crying, when did i start, or did i ever stop, my cheeks are wet, my top is damp, how long have i been crying i don't know when, i hate this place of mine, this horrid backdrop setting, but all will be well, all be fine, i will follow the path and i will join the line.

please i cannot go on so long, it really does me harm, it causes so much terror in me, to stay here too long, what if i get stuck or trapped, what if i can't return, how much damage have i done, how much more can i survive. yes i am resilient, yes i have some strength, no i don't know how i do it, nor do i really care, for me i just switch of and let the auto pilot take control, how many days has this been, or did it ever end, i do not know what reality is and why it seems to bend,

why do i have these thoughts, why am i afraid, should i be scared of my thoughts, please be very afraid, but i have a good reality, one that i can focus, i reach out a little sometimes, and others i will fall, falling stumbling, crashing down, my face is full of muck, i don't know where the end is, or if it is even in sight, i joke i cajole i play pretends, to make everything ok

if i don't believe the truth, then i can not be framed, i will be able to walk away, no more pain, alas i try it and i fail each and every time. most of what i write is my own

i write in other places too, not for anyone's eyes but mine, i could take you for a tour but then you would decline, decline to ever acknowledge me, once you saw inside, very few people have seen it, i would count but two, one of whom is still my friend, and one of whom is not.

i must rest

i must sleep

i must retire from this defeat

hope for a better life

one where i am free

thank you

Hi @kato

You are a beautiful writer. I'm saddened to read of the experience you are having at the moment.

I think a lot of us fear not moving forward, being stuck forever in a terrible moment.

Recovery isn't clear cut or smooth sailing. It's more like this:

So don't be too tough on yourself.

When we're in a state of distress, it's pretty easy to forget the progress we have made. If I reflect on some of your first posts and then look at your posts since then, boy have you done the hard work to progress through recovery.

Give yourself the credit you deserve.

Like I said, when in distress, it's easy to forget all the positive ground that we have made. Some psychologists suggest creating a list, which is in a visible place, which lists all of the steps taken towards recovery. Eg:

Seeing a psychologist

Taking medication

etc.

Reflecting on this list reminds us that there is a solid foundation under us to assist with getting better. The tools, people and strategies are there. In times of distress, where cognitively we are all over the place, having this type of list can help centre us and remind us of things outside our immediate distress.

I hope this helps.

How are you today?

Yay!!!

Happy Birthday @peace

i hope you have a really super awesome day