A Poem? Maybe?

I think i have found a balance with my mood stabilisers, i feel somewhat levelled out, at the moment, altho i can never tell if i am coming or going with regards to being depressed or hyper, i think i am depressed sometimes, then realise i have been writing big long entries in my journal, with lots of ideas and creativity.

I sometimes think i am getting hyper, and yet i find myself crying over nothing, for obvious reasons in my situation my tears are only for me, at night on my own. i struggle to wake up, i struggle to get to sleep, sometimes i don't need sleep, sometimes it is all i need, hours upon hours of sleep.

I see my GP again tomorrow, to discuss how the increase in meds is going, i think it is going good, i have only just upped my anti-depressant, so that will still take a few weeks to see if anything changes with that, i think it will, somehow i am looking hopeful to the future, i had another job capacity assessment today with centrelink, it has only taken 5 months to re-apply..... pretty much my fault for not following it through more.

Funny thing, which i have noticed is a running reminder at every appointment, GP meeting, Psychologist session and psychiatrist session, everyone mentions that there is hope and to not give up, there are plenty of famous people who suffer with bi-polar, and are high achievers. That's great i understand having the hope, but sometimes when i am not feeling the greatest, that simple reminder, is enough for me to hate myself more, for not being able to manage just yet.

And then other times it is a really good reminder, that altho i will never be free of my Black Dog, I can certainly have a leash on it, and keep it at bay. I also know that as i get better, well better managed, i will also be reassessed for a mood disorder i think they believe borderline but i am not too sure, so i shouldnt assume, but i know that they want to reassess me for it in the future.

I am going to also have to look into scheduling another appointment with my psychiatrist to figure out the best care plan for me, as i am meant to be seeing someone every 3 or 4 months, but i don't know who i ameant to see..... he was going to recommend someone but hasn't yet.

And here i am rambling, LOL in a hyped up state today.

Oh does anyone else when Hyped/hyper/hypo find that stress causes internalisation, i was at my assessment, and had nervous agitated behaviour, racing thoughts etc, do others get that when in a stress situation?

You can do it!!!! Cover Henry Winkler in Bee's

one of my favorite films, I hope you are referring to that, with the little nicky comment

Alessandra1992, a poem.

Every day is war to me,
A struggle to obtain reality.
A shower, my shave, putting on my shoes.
It's hard to see the point some days,
And no one has a clue.

I have been deemed so many things,
by those who wouldn't know.
High maintenance, a worrier,
A man putting on a show.

I've been trained to feel unworthy,
Ugly and hard to love.
The pills, they make me tired,
but I get by just enough.

Sometimes I feel that I'm one mistake
from losing all I've suffered for.
While every day is a success,
I am tired of my war.

loopy

Alessandra1992, beutiful poem and grateful comment. Oh how true. The mask is very hard to put It away. I thank from my heart for your words,

loopy

Hi @Loopy good to see you around a bit, i have missed your words of wisdom, and support.

I find myself stagnate, unable to find solace or comfort in how i am feeling, it is very strange at the moment, with a bit of reality blurring the lines of mu consciousness. Some would refer to it as being in an almost dreamlike state which is a weird feeling, question what my reality is. On a whole i am feeling pretty good, i see my psychologist this week, i still haven't had the courage to call and book another psychiatrist appointment, i think it is my own self sabotage that is holding that up for me, so hopefully tomorrow i can make the call.

Today i had to get up early, well early for me lately, and go in and see an assesser for Drug and Alcohol counselling, it was a bit Strange going to see them, filling out the paperwork etc, considering i have been clean for nearly 6 months, but then when i was explaining it to the counsellor she understood that, i didn't need immediate help it was to get some things in place to hopefully prevent a relapse, so it was good, at first i thought she was thinking why is this guy here, he doesn't have an issue LOL then we started covering a few things and the story unfolded for her.

I will see them probably weekly for about 4 weeks, because i have already done the hard part which is giving up, and not relapsing for so long. I really want to get the building blocks to put in place to help prevent me going back to what i am used to.

All in all my meds seem to be going well, altho i have noticed more and more, if i miss a single meal i get very jittery body wise, muscles twitch etc, so i have to make sure i eat breakfast lunch and dinner, i usually skip breakfast or lunch but that is definately not a good idea.

other then that i have been a bit flat so haven't been on very much, but i think i am needing me time away from things,

Hope everyone else is doing well

Wow, talk about drifting through reality, I have to aologize i have no idea what has been going on these last few days, i seem to be caught in a cloud of dreaming like reality.

The winds of time come and go,

The tides swell and grow,

The life i knew and the life i know,

Forever changed with no where to go,

Drifting through time and space,

Caught in a never ending race,

When will it end, when will i place,

Perhaps not first, but definately not last.