A Poem? Maybe?

@peace

Hey Peace,

yeah it was good to have a chat to my mum about it, and i agree it is better to have support from my own family. I think that my mum might have spoken to my ex's family tho, i think this because after i sent the thanks but no thanks message to my ex's aunt, i recieved one back saying ok, take care and listen to your mum..... too me that sounds like there has been communication somewhere regarding it, she also said to get away from them (meaning my ex's family) because they are toxic, and she has also broken away from them....

So happy for you having some good times, i had a really dumb moment today i went to go out, so i lock up the house go into the garage to get my car, and i left my keys for the car and house inside..... needless to say i was locked out for like four hours.... till my dad got home and rescued me, i uusually make sure i have everything but today, i didn't LOL

Hope you keep having those good days 🙂

@PeppiPatty

taking time to respond is sometimes what is needed as we try and wrap our thoughts around the context of what someone else has written and to try and achieve an understanding of what they have written.

I find myself having to go back to posts, if i can't seem to grasp part of the context straight away, i usually go back to it a couple of days later, but sometimes i forget to even go back to it, my memory, lets me down somewhat.

I don't think it is so much that someone hasn't taken me seriously it is more that i kept myself blinded to the fact of how ill/sick i actually was getting and my ex wife perhaps decided or ignored the fact of mentioning how erratic my behaviour was getting. I don't blame her tho, she was scared and confused and was unsure of what to do.

LOL i too have no idea what the differences are between verb's nouns and adjectives they are all something words.

You have nailed down the emotions exactly as i would have, and you are also right in the fact that my biggest concern is the last one and finding forgiveness in myself

Because i write a journal, every few days, it contains similar to what i post here, plus a whole lot more of my thoughts and emotions, i try to keep a perverbial lid on how much i write into here, even tho at times i do get carried away, it is still somewhat lesser of emotion here than total raw journal entry, and i have just started going through this with my psychologist, if i hadn't your post would have certainly made me realize my next step being to write these for discussion. 🙂

It's interesting that you say i have a good relationship with my parent's.... it is a fairly odd relationship really, in the grand scheme of what is classed as normallacy in the world, before i got sick etc and had to leave my home and move back with my parent's, we wouldn't talk for months at a time, i wouldn't go out of my way to see them, except for birthday's and christmas, and i would only call them when my ex would remind me too, we don't delve very much into each other's lives, and we are quite content with quite extreme privacy between all family members, my sister's still don't know the full story behind what happened, and they won't ask either, in my family, if you want to discuss something, you wait for the other to bring it up first, makes it quite an odd thing really. But saying all that we respect each other's privacy etc, but we do also care and love each other, if that makes sense, it is hard to explain, my ex could never wrap her head around it.

It's good having a good relationship with my parent's but also frustrating as i don't like discussing my business with them, it is weird, my privacy is one of the most important things to me as a person, even tho i am quite open on here, it is only possible because of how this forum works with anonymity, if it wasn't, i wouldn't be here.......

thank you again for your message, it has made me think some more on things

Hi Anne,

In regards to keeping in the present with my ex wife, I have made it a finality, it is over, done and dusted, i for awhile wanted to be able to remain friends with her, perhaps be able to be there for her as a friend, but the more i think about it lately, the more i have come to realize this is something that cannot happen, I have hurt her too much for us to be able to even go back to being able to talk to each other, it is a truth, that when i realised it caused me great pain/sorrow and grief, but the longer we go without any communication the greater that knowledge is the truth and the more acceptance i have of it.

My next step is coming to terms with myself, and my feelings towards me, become accepting of who i am, and in turn learning to give myself that forgiveness, this part of my journey will be the hardest as it seems, to be so ingrained in me to feel such hatred and an unforgiving nature to circumvent. But with time i know i will manage.

My other steps, are to get myself out of the debt i am in, which i believe will be me coming to terms with the fact i can no longer sit on my butt and do nothing, i need to get myself motivated and mobile and start striving for the one thing i have always done in my life, which is work, it will enable me to separate myself from being or feeling stuck where i am now, and will lead to greater prospects in the future, it is something that i am worried about, how will i manage, am i ready, am i able, in response to all the answer will have to be yes.

I know once i actually start working, and keep on my medications and seeing my Dr's i will be able to succeed in that aspect of my life, which in turn will lead to more meaning and fulfilment for me as a whole, this path will not be an easy one to start, and i know i am ill equipped and unprepared for it right now, but with a little push or a shove it will kick start me again.

I am feeling quite optimistic tonight, my mum is staying at my sister's helping her with babysitting, and my dad and i just went out for dinner, it was nice, i kept pretty quiet and kept prodding him to talk so i didn't have to, i didn't feel comfortable talking to him, but was comfortable having him talk away, he divulged lots of interesting things, that my mum and him have planned for thier future LOL, i am a natural salesperson, so keeping someone talking about themselves is my speciality, i don't need to divulge any of myself, but keep prompting them to talk, because, if you have ever been a salesperson, you learn very quickly people love talking about themselves, hence me writing here such long posts about myself LOL

I think by the sounds of it, you have a pretty good relationship with your family,

it takes time, i didn't speak openly with my parent's until i was 30.... and even still i don't talk very openly with them