A Poem? Maybe?

Hmmm ok right right ok haha

well now this is definately something odd, hard to explain the feeling, It must be the mood stabilisers, creating a dullness to everything, just feel well i have just been feeling somewhat clouded of thought, and emotion, can't seem to get my thinking straight, can't seem to elaborate.

I think this is what it means to have my mood stabiliser at a therapuetic level, which is not great, if my memory serves me right this was part of my reasoning to stop my meds last time, nearly two years ago, i found myself stopping feeling, having no feelings, if that makes sense, well i tell a lie, i have feelings, but they are not the happy ones or even slightly glad, they are annoyance, frustration, probably some anger.

why is it seem for me too be the road to wellness equals removal of the nice things, the good thoughts, the ability to find joy in my life, happiness in my world, now i just get irritated, so so frustrating, but yet, it is probably for the best to manage myself, is to limit how much impact my emotions have on me, why can't it be the opposite emotions tho, i would love to be able to not have anger and annoyance, fear or frustration but instead be able to expierence the joys, the happy, the love of live and find the small things funny.

But i will stay the course, i will take the path i will continue with the increase of meds, i will continue to persevere even tho i don't want to, i will do this for me, i will succeed and learn how to be me again, without the bouncing moods and the highs and the lows, i hope to be able to still have those moments, of excitement, but in a safer way, i want to be able to enjoy the high's and regret the lows, but the lows to not get so low.

I find that, the more balanced i seem to be getting the less creative i am becoming, you could say it is writers block, you could call it emotionally restrictive, but i just know, that for me, i am losing a part of me that i nly discovered from getting sick, but alas maybe i am just collapsing into a low, but i can't see myself sliding, perhaps this dulled out version is who i am meant to be, it is probably alot safer then the unbalanced me.

too many thoughts, too much confusion, questions to ask, when the appointments are met, i will query this mood episode with my GP and my psychologist, and maybe see there view points of what the situation is, but like i said it might just be me collapsing to a low point.

Just sharing some fairly random thoughts

thank you

@Alessandra1992

Hey Ya Sandy 🙂

Man what i wrte is so off the cuff, i didn't realise it made much sense, until i just re-read it then, it has taken me three days tho to write it tho, to just get the words down in an orderly fashion.

I thank you as always for your very kind words, you know how to make me smile 🙂

I guess you are right with being able to transcribe my thoughts and feelings and effects of meds into words is a good thing, i can't seem to be able to see past something when i initially write, for some reason i have to re-read what ever i write for it to make sense lol it's so weird

but thank you and you, my friend also TOTALLY ROCK!!!!!!

@peace

Hey ya Peace, that is great that you are feeling good, feeling much better. To hear of others having that good moment, good day good thoughts feelings, it is inspiring to me, it shows me that those good times are out there ready and waiting, i just need to find the right path that keeps them coming.

Today is much the same, a bit dulled out, a bit flattened, but then strange things always seem to happen, i recieved a phone call today, and it was from the strangest of places, not who i would expect to hear from, it was from my ex-wife's aunt.

She wanted to know how i was going, and was also probing what actually happened, apparently she hasn't spoken to my ex-wife or her mum, i told her i can't go into to much detail because there is a court case coming up, but the gist of it was i got sick, she then said oh you got sick not (ex-wife) i said well no we both got sick, but i can't go into it too much because of the court case coming up, she wanted to know when it was, i gave her a vague response, of around may. she also said that she knows the family history and this doesn't make sense.....

we ended the call nicely, and then i get a text from her asking me to tell her when the court case is, so she can come in and she said "i'll be there for you"

How strange, i don't know how to respond, i don't think it is a good idea, as it will just cause drama for my ex-wife and her mum, i don't want drama, i am going to speak with my parent's tonight about this, i just was wondering if anyone else had any thoughts on what i should do?

I have spoken to her maybe 3 times since it all happened back in september, the main thing is she doesn't know exactly what happened, well i don't think she does.......

Hey Sandy,

well i agree with you i don't want to cause any more drama, between her family, or between me and my ex, Well i spoke to my mum, when she got home, she agree's with me, that it is private business and best to not accept the offer, my mum was so weird tho, i think she thought i was upset by it, which i wasn't i don't get upset about talking about my court case, i seriously just want it over and done with, so i can keep on moving on with my life, it's lke a weight hanging waiting to drop, it frustrates me, only because i have to wait.

so tomorrow i will send my ex's aunt a friendly thanks but no thanks style message.

and with that, i am having an early night tonight so hitting the hay

@Proof_of_Light

Thank you, i must admit, from the sounds of it, your journey is very similar to mine, in many aspects of it all, currently with the meds, i am happy to keep on them, i much prefer to be more controlled with not being too crazy, but i will discuss with my dr's about the way they are making me feel.

I think that it will be a similar journey to yours, with meds etc. And it is something i have noticed is my empathy for others on a deeper level, it is quite cool. You are not rambling, quite the opposite and i very much appreciate your knowledge and what you have been through

Thank you