Oscillation between two mind sets

@Paperdaisy, I would ideally prefer a community based placement, there is no way I can do acute with my MH.

@Jynx, it is madness. A lot of the time I don’t even understand what I feel, I can be suicidal and feel so low, irritable and frustrated yet so giddy and playful. I don’t even know. I completed most of the module stuff today, I might need to finish it off tomorrow when I’m at uni before class, my head is off to another planet

@Jynx, I don’t feel like I absorbed much, just learnt a bit about politics and how social workers play a role in advocacy

@creative_writer How very frustrating - how does one determine what is needed when we can't determine how we feel? I relate to that but on a different level, I struggle with alexithymia - inability to identify my emotions.

Sometimes I find it helpful though when I am feeling a lot of something to think about it in more biological, evolutionary terms. All of our emotions evolved to have some kind of purpose for us, often to motivate us into some kind of action that fulfills a need. Also, I believe that a lot of emotions are releasing the same or similar neurochemical cocktails into our brains and the only reason we distinguish them is because of context and social structures - for example, excitement and nervousness are both releasing adrenaline, but one we think of as positive and the other negative. So maybe your frustration and your gidiness are in fact the same neurochemicals, but your logic-brain is struggling to interpret them to determine what you need. To me, both of those emotional states suggest a need for some kind of energy output or outward momentum. Frustration is often relieved by venting and/or fixing the source of it, and gidiness often comes from a desire to be playful.

I dunno, I might be on a ramble tangent again, but maybe you could reflect on whether there are any actions you could take based on what that these emotions might be trying to motivate you towards. Being playful may also be a good way to vent/alleviate frustration too.

@Jynx, I feel like I’m in a mess. Maybe both emotions do need expressing. This confusion is creating a lot of hopelessness, I’m on the edge of tears, thinking of why the world would be better off without me. I don’t even know why I keep going down this rabbit hole but I do. It’s so hard and it has been for a while now. I’m so sick of this. I want peace. I don’t even want to admit it to anyone in my personal life, but it always feels like things are getting out of control. I could try another PRN again today (last one was last night, the whole thing is so fucked up

@creative_writer when faced with extreme circumstances, our brains can resort to trying to find extreme responses in an attempt to change it all. Trying to find reasons as to why the world would be better without you sounds like an intense desire to escape, but needing to find justification for doing so.

If it feels like you're going down a rabbit hole, perhaps your support needs are higher than you might think? Sounds like you're rapidly approaching crisis point, and so looking into crisis supports might be wise. What do you reckon, do you have it in you to contact a crisis service today? I know that your prn helps, but that it is also a source of distress to feel like you're coming to rely on it - but in dire circumstances, anything that helps keep us safe is a viable, preferrable option to my mind. Taking these kinds of steps may be difficult, but may also help you to feel a sense of taking control.

@Jynx, I didn’t want to admit I needed support, I’ve been trying to deny it for a while but I know things aren’t right. Someone asked me how I was doing today and my response “I’ve just been a bit sick, but it could be a lot worse”. I was tired of saying I was okay when I wasn’t, so went for the neutral response. I’ve been downplaying it the whole time. If I texted “I’m suicidal” I would get a very worried response, she probably would respond to me very quickly. I could try contacting a crisis service, but I don’t have it in me to wait for too long

@creative_writer it is exhausting trying to hold it all together and present a mask to the world, for sure. Could be worth asking yourself if it is sustainable for you to be fighting to hold it all together. Whilst it is painful and terrifying to admit that we do need the support, it is also a potential circuit-breaker to get us out of whatever loop we're stuck in. Perhaps the first step is you admitting it to yourself, which sounds like you're in the midst of at the moment.

As for the discomfort of waiting - I totally get it. Being on hold really sucks, and can sometimes increase the dysregulation. Maybe weigh it up against the discomfort of holding on/continuing as you are without intervention. If you can settle yourself and use your coping skills to help you regulate, then by all means. Just worth considering whether or not the distress of waiting to get through might be worth it for the potential relief of getting some crisis support for yourself tonight. None of us are equipped to do this 'life' thing alone hun.

@Jynx, I think I’m ashamed of how things have gone this year. I feel like I must hold it together for other people. I’ve been shut down a number of times, it often doesn’t feel worth the pain to share with family. I got through just now, so wasn’t too bad

@creative_writer Mm I too struggle to put my needs first. The people you're trying to protect, if they knew you were struggling this hard, do you think they'd want you to keep suppressing your needs or would they want you to do what you need to do to support yourself, even if it means they aren't getting time/energy/etc. from you as usual? I'm not suggesting you need to tell anyone you're not ready to, more of just a prompt to get you thinking.

Glad it was nice and swift! I'll be here when you get back, hope it is what you need it to be 💜

@Jynx, I’m not sure if my parents would be able to handle it. I’ve become used to suppressing my needs. I automatically assume people won’t handle it like my parents.

I feel a bit better, feeling really wiped out and have an awful migraine.