Oscillation between two mind sets

I’m so exhausted but energised, it’s so weird, my head feels heavy. My mind is racing. I thought I was starting to slow down, but I don’t know anymore. I had a heavy conversation with the peer support worker. I finally told him about past SA, I felt like I wanted to cry. I don’t know how to ignore these memories, I tried to distract, I spent more money today than I should have, but nothing is going to take this pain away. It’s scary how I actually have so much energy, I revisited the note I wrote in 2022

Really tough day for you @creative_writer I'm sorry to hear it 😞 I'm pretty worried about you, I might flick you an email just to check in so keep an eye out yeah?

I think if it's the first time you've spoken about it with your PSW it's no wonder your emotions are ramped up at the moment. If you have all this energy to burn, is there anything active that you could do with yourself?

@Jynx, I needed to feel heard and wanted to feel understood. I’ve been feeling misunderstood my entire life. Fear of being misunderstood is one of the reasons why I avoid seeking help at times. PSW could relate a lot to some of my experiences, being a survivor himself. I could try some stretches in my dark room. The light is hurting my eyes, worsens migraines and makes me even more agitated. I’ve got my device very dim right now and on night mode

One of my best friends is a survivor too, and she's often spoken about the fact that it is really helpful to be able to speak to other survivors, who can understand on more than just an intellectual level the impacts that SA has on a person. I'm glad you were able to connect with your PSW in that way, and feel understood @creative_writer

Stretches sounds really good. Is the light from the phone even a bit much? I can stop tagging you for a little bit if you need to give your eyes a break, and I can check in with you a little later tonight?

Sending some huggles🫂

@Jynx, talking survivor to survivor is healing. I will eating dinner soon, I think I’ll eat early so will be off my phone during the period of time. I will be back whenever I feel ready to. Fish can help with migraine pain. I’ll talk to you soon 🫂

@Jynx, I’m in tears😢. I’m tired of pretending

@creative_writer it's an exhausting way to live. Is there anywhere that you can be fully yourself, fully let go and just exist?

Sending hugs your way hun 🫂

@Jynx, I’m in my own bedroom. I’m trying to memorise verses of the Quran. I’m taking breaks from it in between, I don’t know what else to do with my life right now. Things feel so hard. I feel like I’m fading away

@creative_writer you don't have to figure out what to do with your life right now hun, just focusing on right now is good - best step is the next step.

Are you repeating the verses out loud? Whenever I'm doing affirmations or rituals, I find that they have more power if it's said out loud.

Perhaps also something grounding, to help keep you tethered if you feel like you're fading away. You could jump onto lifeline or SCBS chat and ask them to do a guided grounding activity with you, get that external structure going?

@Jynx, I was repeating the verses out loud to get the right pronunciation. Arabic is hard to get right. I think I’m starting to lose it, I think I need to take PRN now before I do anything else. I am starting to plan an attempt, there is no other way but to take PRN before I do anything. It’s harder when you do have the means. I just don’t want to worry my parents by telling them to take care of it