Oscillation between two mind sets

That's a tough question I don't really have a solid answer to @creative_writer but I can take a stab at it, just from what I've read and from my own experiences.

Humans evolved to be social - our brains are literally wired to seek connection, and it has always been through cooperation that we have flourished. Hence why rejection and abandonment create such significant pain and can have lasting effects on brain development, sense of self, etc., especially when occurring in childhood. Maslow popped 'sense of belonging' at number 3 in the Hierarchy of Needs for a reason, coming in only after physiological needs (food/water) and safety (shelter). It's also a big part of Attachment Theory - how we have our needs met (or not met) as children can impact our behaviour in relationships all through life.

Having said all of that, there's also always outliers, people who don't fit the mould or choose not to. Maybe that's why the concept of the 'hermit' exists in the first place, because across time there's always been people who seek out living in isolation. Whether or not those people experience contentment, joy, satisfaction, etc. is uncertain, but it certainly seems like it could be a life well lived.

So going back to Maslow's Hierarchy, if one has their physiological and safety needs met, and can also happily strive for the next two tiers above belonging (esteem and self-actualisation) and experiences no sense of something being missing, who are we to say that that person is automatically living a bad life, just because they have no community? If you find that you can achieve contentment, fulfillment, and satisfaction in your life without forming deep personal relationships, then why not?

The one caveat is that you've said you don't want to rely on people. This got my brain gears turning. Is a deep personal bond automatically also reliance on that person? I'm not sure. It also might help to examine why relying on others creates distress for you. Is it a case of fear of being let down or betrayed, due to past experiences? Is it because you were taught that relying on others is a form of weakness? That a 'capable' person should be able to do everything alone?

Funnily enough, all humans have needs. Being needy isn't some personal failing, it's part of what being alive is, for any animal. In my opinion, our current social and cultural zeitgeist has been transformed (for the worse) by capitalism. The 'free market' benefits most from people being independent, because sharing resources minimises profits - capitalism wants people as isolated as possible so they each need to buy everything they need, instead of sharing amongst their community. As a result, things like 'neediness' are painted as bad, and self-reliance is painted as some sort of goal to achieve that means we're 'successful' at life. It's an ideology which pervades our media, an idea that was fed to us by our parents' generation (who grew up being told that the 'nuclear family' model is the only correct way to live). Which is all BS in my opinion. These ideas become ingrained in our worldview and can be hard to dismantle within our own psyche. But we're the only ones who get to define what success means to us. And relying on others, helping each other out, building community bonds, that's what helps to improve society, in my experience.

But that doesn't mean you're obliged to strive for that either. You are the only person who gets to decide what circumstances will create a 'good' life for you and your particular needs. So if withdrawing is helpful, provides comfort, reduces distress, go for it. Perhaps these forums are themselves enough to fulfill your personal social needs. Only you can say for sure.

Phew! Big rants from Jynx today, thanks for reading if you made it this far 💜

@creative_writer you're totally right that our modern world is rife with so many time thieves - need to work to live, need time to recover from work, need time for ourselves; thus leaving no time to dedicate to building new relationships.

Perhaps something you can speak to your psych about is this lack of feeling safe when with people. In order to change how our survival system responds to what it considers as triggers, we need to teach it experientially that those triggers aren't actually threats to our safety - which is why exposure therapy works so well for PTSD. Which, mortifying as it may seem, might mean that to overcome this feeling of being unsafe around others, you will need to spend time dwelling in that discomfort and increasing your distress-tolerance skills to allow you to sit in that uncomfortable space and resist the messages your survival system is telling you, like that you need to escape. The tricky part is finding the right people to choose to spend time with who can understand and respect that process, and provide you with a safe relational experience in return - otherwise it may just re-traumatise your survival system and further embed its distrust of others.

@creative_writer Maybe go for a little walk, find a quiet patch of nature and have a big cry? I've cried in public plenty of times, no shame in it.

Sounds like a good plan @creative_writer. Do you have a speaker? You could play some music whilst in the shower, which might help you feel more safe to let it out good n proper, and not have to stifle the sobs so much. Plus I always enjoy a good shower tune, hehe.

Hmm I mean maybe - all those muscles from arm and back up through shoulder to neck are pretty connected. And tension in the neck can cause headaches - is it something you've spoken to a GP or a physio about? Do you find progressive muscle relaxation can help?

Glad you've got an appt coming up with your GP! Hopefully it provides you with what you need.

@creative_writer aww dang, it's hard when there's no apparent cause! Hope you've got some anti-inflammatories on hand and yeah, just gotta take it easy I spose! Got anything coming up that would potentially antagonise it?