Oscillation between two mind sets

I am ruined

@creative_writer in my experience/opinion, love doesn't discriminate. Love isn't inherently transactional, nor is it limited (unlike abusers will have you believe). Human beings are deserving of love simply because they are human. And what defines wholeness anyway? No one, no one goes through life unscathed.

And tell ya something? I am a different kind of human too. I am legit the weirdest person I know. I remember the top-scoring schema I had when I did schema therapy was the idea that I was unlovable. The right person came along and gave me those good gut instincts, and even though my trauma triggers fired off all the time (like that one time I spent her birthday weeping unconsolably in her bathtub... ahhh memories), she never gave up on me. She accepted me in all my weirdness. We're still besties too. The right person, the right people are out there for you too, and I think one of the most helpful things I learned is to let myself actually believe them when they said they liked me.

Maybe next time you find yourself in a social situation with a person who gives you those good gut feelings, you can take that (honestly quite mortifying) step towards putting yourself out there, saying something like 'hey, I like your vibe, and I feel like we could be good friends. Do you wanna spend more time together?'

Oh heck, just as I'm about to post, I see you other post. Are you okay hun? What do you mean about being ruined?

@Jynx, the thing is I innately know I should speak to someone but my brain keeps telling me to get through until next appointment with support. I don’t want to become dependent on helplines. I haven’t actually used one for some time.

Maybe it is possible to find the right person but it scares me too. I can’t help but worry about falling short and burning the hand of the one holding it. I feel like I don’t only ruin things for myself, I ruin things for others

@creative_writer Perhaps in fear of becoming dependant, you are depriving yourself of a potentially useful support? Besides, nothing wrong with depending on them for a time if things are bad, or especially if they're getting worse. I also think dependency isn't necessarily only related to frequency. If someone is in a really bad place and needs to call every day so they can at least hear another human being's voice, or to help them stay grounded cos they can't do it on their own, that's very different to someone who remains stuck in place and only uses a support line to reinforce their faulty ways of thinking. If it becomes the difference between a difficult day and a truly devastating day, why not go for it?

Yeah, honestly it is really scary to dive into a new relationship, whatever the context. It's also the only way to learn how to be in relationships. I can't tell you how many people I drove away from my life. But eventually I found someone who could forgive me, and stuck by me anyway. We are always gonna end up hurting the ones we love - but we get better and better at being accountable, at resolving conflict, and at balancing both person's needs. What I found really helpful was being honest from the start about where I'm at. If you let them know you're worried you might hurt them, you can then talk about it, and work together to find ways to navigate conflict. No one gets blindsided, and they will know that you're aware of your areas of growth that you're working on and can support you through it.

@Jynx, the fear of dependency may also be related to struggling to have emotional needs met earlier in life. I learnt not to rely on people, and feel by relying on people I am taking the risk.

Relationships are scary for sure. I think the marriage talk is anxiety provoking. Romantic relationships are completely something else. I haven’t ever been in one and have been fearing it for quite some time. I fear not having my boundaries respected and fear that past SA affects my ability to form healthy romantic relationships. I don’t expect miracles of have my partner meet all my needs (since nobody can and some of the emotional needs can be met through your relationship with yourself and spirtuality) but I need someone supportive and need the relationship to be gentle and slow

Extremely likely @creative_writer when your brain pathways say 'reliance leads to getting let down' it would go out of its way to protect you by engaging in stuff that leads to hyper-independence.

If someone isn't respecting your boundaries, they're not the right person for you anyway. And yeah, I imagine your past SA would impact your relationships - however it doesn't automatically mean those relationships are going to fail. I have plenty of friends who have experienced SA who have actually been able to work through it within their relationships. By being in safe, respectful relationships, they have been able to teach their brains that not every relationship is unsafe. I think because we're such innately, biologically social creatures, there's only so much progress we can make on our own, we need to experience that safety to rewire those neural pathways.

If you can communicate that you need the relationship to be gentle and slow, then the right person will make sure that it is.

@Jynx, hyper-independence does rear its ugly head. Deep down inside I know relationships are part of being human. That’s not to discount the power of working on yourself and working and exploring your spiritual life. My spirituality is probably what has gotten me to this point, or I would have been gone long ago and wouldn’t be telling you my story. Nothing else would've stopped me at my worst, I would’ve gone beyond the planning phase. I reached out for help due to my spiritual beliefs.

SA does make it harder. I’ve realised that it’s about finding the right person who would be understanding and someone I feel comfortable with. I just haven’t found that safety yet. The only safety I have found is with spirituality. Even if I don’t have someone here right now, I still have prayer

I remember at uni we looked at this... Wheel of Wellness thingy @creative_writer - and one of the facets was spirituality. Honestly, it has sooo much value in our lives, and so often gets overlooked in therapeutic contexts. I myself am not religious, but I am deeply spiritual, and think that having prayer, ritual, and a little bit of self-made magic in our lives is just as important as social/financial/internal wellbeing.

There are definitely people out there who can be gentle and understanding when it comes to having a history with SA. And it warms me to know that until you find them, you will have that deep and powerful connection to the spiritual part of your humanity 💜

@Jynx, I do believe spirituality is often overlooked. Religion is a big part of my life. Spirituality doesn’t stop there, it can also be about how we make meaning and connecting to nature 💖

I also think a shift in society has also made us lonelier. We spend more time on social media and less connecting to communities like the previous generations did. There is an emphasis on staying busy to the expense of living our life. It feels hard maintaining relationships in adulthood because many of us are too exhausted

Absolutely agree @creative_writer we're meaning-making creatures in a universe seemingly devoid of meaning. Leaning into our nature and connecting to the mystery of life on a deep spiritual level has been immensely powerful in my recovery journey.

Totally! I was reading recently about there being a lack of 'third spaces' I think it was called? Like neutral spaces where you can meet people or meet up with people. Nowadays it's too expensive to go hang out in a bar or coffee shop, and it's way harder to find folks to just chat to and connect with. People have become more distrustful of strangers so it's harder to meet people by chance. Plus it's harder to spend time with new people too - I read estimates that it takes approximately 50 hours to move from acquaintance to friend, and another 200 hours to form a deeper friendship bond. Which is why it was way easier in school - literally spent every hour of the day with the same people. But who has time or energy anymore? We need more ways to connect with like-minded people, and be able to spend time with them regularly. Wish Meetup was better than it is.

Anyway, it's why I truly believe in the power of community spaces like this one. It's still online obvs, but it provides that environment in which people can check in with and spend time with the same people, and have that shared experience to help them connect. I kinda wanna make something like this space in real life, but I haven't the foggiest on how I'd go about it.