Oscillation between two mind sets

@Jynx, it’s hard investing so much time into friendships as an adult. I never really got to form many of those friendships in my early years so I have to start from scratch. I have a couple friends here and there, but no one I speak to regularly. I know when I was doing placement in particular I was beyond exhausted to socialise during the weekend. Work and study can be hectic that many introverts want to take it easy over the weekend.

I’m not sure how I can find a similar community like SANE in real life either. It would be nice. But then sometimes it feels easier to talk on here due to anonymity. I also feel like I’m better at writing than talking

@creative_writer Aye, having a lack of experience in the building of friendships makes it tough. When you find people with whom you resonate though, it is much easier - the hardest part sometimes is to just be unapologetically yourself, and to push past the urge to people-please.

As in, people-pleasing is often rooted in fear of rejection (which is deeply tied into our survival system, hence why it is soooo emotionally charged), and fear of rejection can make us suppress our authentic self in an attempt to be what we think the other person will like. In my experience, people-pleasing definitely resulted in me finding lots of friends... or 'friends', as it were, cos they turned out to be not my kind of people. They liked the image of myself I presented, but it was a lie, and when parts of the real me slipped out, they would react poorly. This created a feedback loop where I'd continually suppress my authentic self, believing it to be socially unacceptable, which in turn deepened my own self-loathing and further suppression of my true self.

Turns out being my authentic self actually helps to weed out people who aren't worth spending time and energy getting to know, and helped me attract a nice little pack of a few choice weirdos. All of us have been social rejects in the past, all of us have trauma history and a lovely collection of mental illnesses, but all of us also accept each other's weirdness unconditionally. I really, really hope you find your own pack of weirdos some day hun, people who celebrate you and lift you up, even and especially when you're doing stuff that may have resulted in rejection or ostracisation in the past.

I guess one way to find folks who resonate with your authentic self is to pursue the things you love - if you love reading, go to the local library and maybe chuck up a lil flyer to start a book club. If you love arts n crafts, seek out your local art store and ask if they have any social clubs or know of ways to start one. Jump onto the meetup website and see if there's any local groups that appeal to you, like a walking club or something. Find a cause you're passionate about and volunteer once a fortnight or once a month or something.

And hey if you feel like you're better at writing than talking, tell that to prospective friends! Best way to alleviate social anxiety in my experience is to name it. If they treat you poorly cos of it, they're not friendship material anyway; but more often than not, people can easily relate, and will potentially even feel safe then to disclose their own anxiety, leading to relief on both sides, and then you can work together to accommodate each other's social needs.

I hope that being on here and being able to connect authentically to people has taught you that you're likable and worthy of friendship 😊

@Jynx, I believe those of us who are neurodivergent often try to hard to camouflage with neurotypical crowds. Fear of rejection is so real I’ve had social anxiety since I was a little kiddo. I can look at exploring groups and try building networks with peers at uni. I think having regular planned activities helps with making friends.

I reached out to SANE this morning. I felt I had to talk about things since emotions were building. It helped. I do think I probably should’ve reached out before things built up, it’s hard to get myself to reach out for support when a part of me feel reluctant

@creative_writer aye very much so, especially when our varied, differing ways of communicating are often seen as rude or antisocial. Like no, I am just existing in the world in the way that is most comfortable for me!

That's another idea though - seeking out other neurodiverse folks might be a way to find some solid connections and be able to exist in a social setting without having to mask or suppress your natural ways of being. I hope you find your niche 😊

Oh good on you! I'm really glad to hear it was helpful. Maybe you could write yourself a little note? Just like 'Call at the first sign of struggle, not the 21st' or something like that. Just to remind yourself of this feeling you have now, since we all become far less able to take those steps when dysregulation is ruling our brains. You could also spend some time with that reluctant part of you, get to know a bit about why it is hesitant, and what it needs to feel reassured that it's okay to seek support, even when not in high distress - especially cos it can sometimes be what helps prevent us from getting to that level!

@Jynx, it is true neurodivergent people are often misunderstood. I think childhood bullying meant I was very defensive at school too. I remember a time at school, when I didn’t feel sad or happy or lonely, just nothing, in a dissociative state. It used to get to the point I would shut down. You can imagine that people may have perceived me as uninterested. It felt safer alone than to form relationships. Obviously there was also the emotional neglect stuff as well. SA as an adult made me even more untrusting. It also doesn’t help that my mum often talks about how people are only out there for their own self interest. I think family stuff has also triggered this reaction in her.

It was good to be able to talk to someone about my mind. I’ve been ruminating a lot, it’s been hard. Sometimes you want to forget but you just can’t. At the same time I don’t want to feel defined by what I’ve been through, but it feels like I’ve lost a part of myself. I know I can’t get it back, I can only grow into someone stronger. The grief of losing a part of yourself is real

@creative_writer It's a huge combo of factors to have influenced your distrust hun. Home relationships - unsafe; school relationships - unsafe; grow up a bit and try to form more relationships - big unsafe. I hope you're able to thus differentiate between reactive behaviours developed for survival vs. some innate failing or flaw, to see that you're not to blame and that safe, trusting relationships are still possible.

It is absolutely real, grief over a life not lived is a tough one that not many would give space to. But space is very much deserved for you to mourn, and yes absolutely grow into someone stronger. A difficult path, but one very much worth walking.

@Jynx, I think I need a good cry but never really get the time to living in a shared house with family. I tried for my life not to end up this way, but ultimately it did. My Muslim faith has been important to me. I’ve always wanted to do things properly. But it didn’t work out that way. I felt as though I had no choice. There wasn’t anything I could do to stop it. I was a human yoyo (bipolar out of control) at the time and wasn’t even well so didn’t really process it and detached. I was taken advantage of. For someone who has never been in a romantic relationship and for someone from my culture, it feels significant. I know God won’t hold me responsible, but it hurts so bad. Sorry that was a lot. Those words have been itching inside me for some time and I didn’t even realise

@creative_writer glad you were able to get it off your chest hun. Hope you feel a little lighter now, and I appreciate you sharing with me.

I don't think there is a way to do things 'properly' - as in, just like 'normal' is an illusion, so too is propriety. None of us get to choose how we come into this world or the way we're raised. We can only choose what we do with what we have now.

@Jynx, it has helped, thank you💖. I know normal is an illusion. Trauma is very common, unfortunately. I think these thoughts at the core of what I’m feeling. It’s also hard not to internalise shame if many (including my parents) feel reluctant to talk about it. I literally just gave up talking about it. Now I’m trying to convince myself my sense of worth and dignity are still intact. I think I’ll need lots of repetition of self soothing phrases

Empathy, gratitude, and warmth, all good antidotes to shame @creative_writer. Some self-soothing phrases sounds like a very good idea. Even if your sense of worth and dignity are hard to find, or feel absent or broken, they can be replenished, reforged, and renewed.

I believe in you hun, you got this 😊💜