Oscillation between two mind sets

@creative_writer aww that is very sweet, I'm sure she'd appreciate it - pluuuus hugs with someone we care about (that last for around 20s) are a natural way to release oxytocin in the brain - our natural antidepressant.

It definitely sucks, but having awareness of the mechanisms and contributing factors can be really helpful - allows you to give yoursef grace for not being at your best.

@Jynx, generally speaking, I like plans, structure and thinking through things. When my emotions get out of control I have done unreasonable things on a number of occasions. It’s hard, I have a tendency of shoving emotions in until it builds and then I explode. Could I call a helpline? Yes, but I can’t get myself to. I’m scared to rely on people. I’m tired of feeling like I must be strong for others, I feel like I’m carrying the weight of the world

@creative_writer Mm the explosion is inevitable when we push emotions down. What we resist, persists. Do you feel yourself pushing them down? Building a habit of noticing when we're doing stuff like that is a good first step towards changing our habits and behaviours.

How often have you called helplines in the past? Could be that it is outside of your comfort zone, making it harder to approach when you're feeling dysregulated. Might be a weird suggestion, but could you try calling a helpline (SANE would be a good place to start!) when you're feeling okay and feeling grounded, and get some 'practice' so to speak?

I hope you find the pathway towards carrying nought but your own stuff. Others' burdens are not ours to bear.

@Jynx, I used to reach out to helplines more often, but sort of stopped. I have had mixed experiences with Lifeline and SCBS (I’m saying this as an ex Lifeline volunteer). SANE has usually been more helpful. Maybe it being specialised for complex MH helps. It generally is hard to ask for help when things are hard. I learnt to be a little too independent when I was a kid. I know others burden is not my own, but it certainly feels that way. I’m the oldest child, I have to be the role model for my siblings. I’ve had times when I felt I had to support mum too with her family stuff. I don’t want to burden mum if she has her own family stress. Extended family drama is so exhausting and feels so unnecessary, but it happens. Although she said she can handle it since she has seen so much, I think the fact she has baggage makes it harder. My dad goes into problem solving mode which isn’t what I need

Fierce independence is also a trauma response @creative_writer - and it can be very hard (but definitely not impossible) to unlearn. Just remember that asking for help is literally hard wired into all of us. Humans have been as successful as we have because we share the burdens, we collaborate, we don't do things alone.

And you're an adult now, do you need to be a role model for your siblings anymore? Does your mum need your support every time, or could she try calling a helpline herself? No one has to be available to be leaned on 24/7, it would break us. And have you said to your dad that the problem-solving approach isn't what you need?

Sorry for all the questions, I hope they're helpful though. You don't have to answer, just stuff to reflect on, if you want to.

@Jynx, yes, I’ve heard hyper independence is a result of trauma. It’s hard to form healthy relationship when you do not feel safe. Things have changed slightly over the past few months, but I have a long way to go. In the context of work I’ve become more comfortable with working with others and somewhat be open to a certain degree. On a personal level, it’s still hard to let people in.

I wish it was as easy as encouraging my mum to seek support, but I know her well enough to know she wouldn’t. She doesn’t talk about her problems all the time, but I can’t always ignore when there is tension. I overhear more than she realises too. She has made her feeling towards certain relatives pretty clear in the past. Families can be messy.

I feel like even as an adult there are expectations on me to be a role model.

Dad is a problem solver by nature, it’s hard for him to not do it lol 😂. It’s how his brain is wired

Well I'm proud of you for the progress you've made so far @creative_writer and I hope you are too.

Yep, family is hard! I can see why it feels you're burdened with more than your share.

Why do you need to live up to someone else's expectations of you? What would happen if you didn't?

I'm off for the night hun, hope you have a restful evening! Catch you soon 💜

@Jynx, it’s hard growing up with a parent who has had concerns with MH. I’ve literally had panic attacks in the past. I don’t think I processed it all until recently. I was working from home, my mum had an argument with dad about family stuff, then it sounded like she didn’t want to be here anymore. Though there is no longer tension, but it sort of leaves a mark on you.

I know my mum would not seek support. She’s the one who has said time and again to be careful around health professionals so I don’t get hospitalised against my will. She doesn’t trust the system. But where else am I supposed to get support?

I hope you were able to rest up well last night 💖

@creative_writer Ach, family is soooo tricky hey. Used to have panic attacks and meltdowns a-plenty my own self! I'm glad to hear that you are processing it - can be intense, but ultimately has been a very healing process in my journey. I wish the same for you in spades 💜

Hmm encouraging your mum to seek mh support.... Things I can think of include talking to her about your own (positive) experiences to help de-mystify it/reduce the fear by learning what it actually looks/feels like (so many folks look to movies and tv to get an idea of what therapy looks like, but movies/tv always represent it very poorly, usually for the sake of dramatic tension); telling her more about Duty of Care practices so that she understands when/why folks might end up with ambos knocking on their door; see if she could call SANE as like, a very tiny baby step - just to see what it's like, that it's not so scary, and that many MH professionals are actually very empathetic and caring people; you could even encourage her to try out a support group setting first, so she's with other folks who are struggling and maybe feels less alone?

That being said, all of that could be a lot of work and you know your mum best, and know what might be helpful for her to hear.

@Jynx, she lost her dad when she was pregnant with my brother. I wonder if that has contributed to her separation anxiety.

Don’t get me wrong, she knows about mental health having studied psych and social work herself. It’s just that she has experienced a lot of family drama over the year so maybe that’s why it’s hard to trust. She often talks about how people look at their own self interest. When I almost got a welfare check last year, she was really angry and thought my psych was trying to save herself. Mental health triage later decided I didn’t need the check