Oscillation between two mind sets

Yeah absolutely @creative_writer as you go further outside your window of tolerance, logic and decision making go bye bye! Can get extra frustrating cos... that's kinda when we actually need our brains to be working at a higher capacity than just 'HEY DANGER BIG DANGER RUN AWAY' even though it's literally just making a phone call 😅

Hey, awareness is the first step hun. You can recognise that you're letting it define you. So... how do you re-define yourself? What would feel like freedom from these definitions? How do you breathe life into the new you trying to be born?

Also, in my own recovery journey, I've accepted that the work will never be done. I will always have healing to do, new things to learn, old habits to unlearn. It was a daunting prospect at first, but nowadays it brings me comfort, knowing I will always be putting effort into bettering myself, into changing and growing and breaking down old cycles. It's a relief to know that I won't let myself get too stuck, too static, nor get a big head and think I've got it all figured out. Life's about the journey, after all.

How you feeling now, a few hours on?

@Jynx phone calls are harder when there is a hold, the music drives me insane. Centrelink is especially awful with wait times if you don’t call straight after they open. But hey, gotta do what you have to. I can’t work and study at the same time due to MI and migraines.

I have conflicting narratives, we spoke a bit about that in the past. Sometimes the hurting me takes over. I think part of it is from being shut down when trying to talk about things, so I processed it as I must have done something wrong.

It is true life is a journey. Scars don’t always fade away completely.

I’m better today. Very drained out from a long day at uni. The travelling is very exhausting

Oh for sure @creative_writer the music is the worst. Wish they had an option to just sit in silence until it connected through. The worst is when it's like 20 seconds of music interrupted by an automated recording which makes me THINK my call has gone through but it hasn't, and also means I have to focus on letting the music fade to background noise all over again. Definitely the exact opposite of ND-friendly!

How do you treat the hurting-you? Ever done parts work/IFS therapy?

Yeah I bet, commuting is hectic hey. Do you have days off each week?

@Jynx it's worse with Centrelink if you are on hold for 40 mins plus. So many automated recordings to listen to. My course finish date isn't correct on the system, I actually finish a week later, but I can't bring myself to call to fix it up. It's not even letting me fix it on the app for some reason.

The hurting me probably just needs a lot of compassion and validation. I think the fact I had to go through it alone made it worse. I didn't have any support early on, I was alone, I knew my parents felt uncomfortable with me talking about it, so sort of assumed that I had done something wrong. Not that I blame them, they can only do what they know. I've been noticing lately sometimes I feel angry about being left alone, but they did their best.

I don't believe I have done IFS in my psych sessions but I have heard of it.

I only commute twice a week, otherwise I study at home the rest of the days. There are only two weeks left. There is a next week. Then mid semester break (not really a mid-semester break for those of us who started early) and then the final week

@creative_writer oh yikes... Wish you could just email centrelink hey. Like for stuff that's just a simple fix like that but that can't be done through their automated system.

Oh yep that deffo would have been a contributing factor hey. I remember learning about how likely onset of PTSD is and one of the main factors influencing it is how much immediate support one gets in the aftermath of the traumatising event, and how safe/trusted that support is. So being made to feel like your trauma was making others uncomfortable would have made it that much harder to feel safe to process it, and no wonder feelings of guilt emerged as a result.

I really like IFS, I think it's been super helpful to me in being able to acknowledge that two things can both be true, and that my inner turmoil is normal, not some kind of personal failing. And like, the anxious part of me, the Protector part, is not the enemy, and needs compassion just as much as my other parts.

You doing anything during your mid-sem break?

@Jynx I think it has contributed to the feelings of shame and guilt I feel. I feel sort of guilty bringing it up in therapy, even knowing that it is a safe space. I also had a lot going in my life back then, an uncontrolled bipolar disorder isn't what one needs during trauma. Disassociation is how I coped. For years I felt like I had to shove it down, it came to the point that I felt like it did not happen to me. It did not feel significant, one day I was like shit.

I think it's natural as human beings to have inner turmoil. I'm not sure if anyone can ever come to the point they don't.

Probably resting and catching up on uni. It's been a chaotic semester. I am still working on uni stuff right now even though I probably should be resting

@creative_writer yeah for sure, even if logic-brain knows that it's a safe space, emotion-brain has been taught to suppress, and that talking about it is painful for others so it ought to be buried. Really sorry that happened to you hun, would have really stymied the healing process. Have you been able to successfully bring it up in therapy fully, or more just made passing mention to it at this stage?

Agreed, we're pretty complex beings. I think we've all got capacity for double-think (have you read 1984 by George Orwell? I had to read it in high school) and this is also why I love IFS, it highlights that complexity and validates/normalises inner conflict, and gives us tools to move towards resolution.

Oh heck yes get you some solid rest for sure! I hope you can also get some in this arvo too hun, if your instinct is telling you that you ought to be resting, perhaps you should listen? Though I also know all to well that sometimes rest doesn't feel like rest if we also feel we ought to be doing our work 😅

@Jynx I've been able to talk more freely about trauma in therapy, but I haven't really spoken much about how painful it was to be shut down and deal with things by myself. I think it sort of encouraged me to keep a lot to myself and become very independent. I remember even as a uni student I have had phases where I lacked the desire to connect with others. I was so focused on uni, that I sort of didn't give it a thought. Then one day in struck me that I was suppressing all these feelings of loneliness too. I have often dealt with loneliness through suppression and in some cases disassociation.

I did not read 1984 but my sister did. It is true we are very complex beings. I do feel combining different modalities of therapy works the best. I have been long sick of the CBT approach in isolation.

I may have pushed it a bit too much, but I got a task out of the way. I have a major essay to focus on for the next few days. I feel like I have left it too close, guess I will have to cram

@creative_writer Mm it all sounds like you did what you needed to do to survive at the time, and whilst it has perhaps instilled some habits that now need to be worked on to undo, like suppression and isolation, but the fact that you're aware, willing to put the work in, and slowly opening up in your therapy, is deffo reassuring.

Aye, agreed. IFS, schema, existential, narrative, and ACT ar my favs. Also have a soft spot for plant medicine too.

Hope you can get on top of things without burning yourself out hun!!

@Jynx I’ve been trying to do self care this evening. I had dinner, we got middle eastern take away. I’ve also been doing other gentle things like prayers, did a mini head massage too.

As a clinician I would use a range of therapies too to suit the needs of the individual. I found CBT only did so much. Narrative therapy is a popular one among social workers, it’s particularly aligned with Indigenous culture