While in hospital

Hi @Decadian

This morning I lost the plot. Couldn't stop crying, worrying about going into hospital with not enough money for Christmas etc. etc. So i rang Lifeline and spoke to a really nice lady who tried so hard to calm me down.

I need that huge cry, i need to vent; i needed to talk and for someone to listen.

I am so over everything at the moment @Decadian I can't deal with anything anymore. It's escalating to be too much again. I so hope the hospital ring me very soon and tell me to come in. It could even be this week, they never know how many people the psychs discharge on a day. Today there could be one or two that leave. Here's hoping!!!!

I am thinking now that I so need this break; i say i don't carre about the money because my health is more important but the trouble is I do worry about the money - it affects us.

@Decadian I am just a wreck at the moment. I can't think, too many things running around in my head.

Wish i could just sit with you and have a coffee and a chat. Thank you for always being here for me

I know @BlueBay

It would be great to have a coffee and a chat but we also know we are just saying cause that can't happen - SANES doesn't allow that - but I think we share more about ourselves here because it is so safe to do so

After both of my parents died I had Life Line on speed dial - esp my mother cause of all the crap we have both had with our mothers. And they told me we can ring as often as we need to - that's what they are there for.

But if things are getting too much for you - ring the police - with everything working in your favour right now that might get you into hospital ahead of someone else. I know queue jumping happens - and I think that is fair enough under these circumstances.

One of the nurses told me that my psychiastrist could get me a bed in that hospital when there wasn't a bed to be had - and I wouldn't say this but I have been reading everything you have written for months now and I feel like I know you really well and I can tell over these months that you got better when you were in hospital - you told us that you needed to spend time working on yourself and you would be back and when you came back - you were heaps better and did a lot to sort out your financial situation

I know that bothers you in a huge way - but hey - you are living in that big house that you plan to see when all the health issues are settled - and your kids can chip in if things get too tough - and I think Huffnpuff makes things worse for you with his OCD,

Through my married life I had a lot less patience - Mr Sitnsulk drove me to the point of yelling often. I lost tolerance with him and I think that being verbally aggressive saved me from being in a worse place. It makes it harder for us when our husband/wife/partner/significant-other/whomever likes the status quo and insists on keeping it that way when we are trying to find our feet

This happens a lot btw - sometimes significant others can be in a place where they don't understand and refuse to have counselling themselves and lean on us and make it so much harder. In time I grew past this - and you will too with help

I hope I can be here for you as much as I can be under these different modern circumstances of social media - which I think are wonderful if handled correctly - and I notice how many other people are here for you too

Lots of hugs

Take care of yourself - I am thinking of you

Decadian

@BlueBay

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this, I'm going a bit down hill too with my partner and feeling like everything is crap - I'm with you and understand totally. Hopefully you will get a result from the hospital but in the meantime just be nice to yourself and take some time out. You are the most important thing right now so take care of yourself.

My partner is a bit the same because of his unmedicated bipolar but at the moment I'm copping a lot of verbal abuse. I often think the only way I will get peace in my life is to leave but currently thats not an option and I'm stuck. I only work 5 mins from home so I would need to get another job and when you are not feeling great thats the last thing you want to do - its such an emotionally draining excercise and I dont need rejection after rejction at the moment.

I know you think you are alone in this but you are not, I'm here thinking of you and feel so much for you. We are so similar and even though I have only been on these boards a short time I feel I know you and care for you as you are a wonderful person. You deserve to take time out and be nice to you and only for you.

Take care big hugs

At the moment all i can do is cry. that is my self care 😞

thanks for your kind words @Change123 but i can't see that i am important. i am so screwed.

@Decadian

it's horrible being home alone and all i can do is cry. just called my psych and left a msg for him to ring back.

I am glad you rang your psyche @BlueBay - and you know he can take his time getting back in touch with you so you can be aware of a wait

And when you do speak to him - be totally honest and tell him exactly what you are feeling like

You are an important person - and you have been screwed over and feel screwed up and that's why you can't see it. I really like what @Change123 has written here - it seems she is in the battling with the marriage stuff as much as anyone

This is a time in your life when you must put yourself first. This is not selfish - you know that song "There's a hole in the bucket" that goes on and on - well - I figure that is is a case that the bucket is useless until it's fixed but can't be fixed because there's a hole in it - so - you need to go and get yourself fixed - and you know by now that you have to do the hard work of fixing yourself - but you need space and rest and support and help to do it

Don't let go @BlueBay - we are here and will be until you get into hospital - there is usually someone around

Dec

Well @Decadian

surprise surprise - my psych hasn't called yet!!!! Didn't expect him too either.

OMG - bloody hell, next time I will NOT ring him. And then when he finds out that I am in hospital with SH then he can feel guilty. Gosh now I am angry.

I ended up sleeping for a little bit, then I knitted a bit more. But I couldn't settle to do one thing so I was up and down up and down all day.

Hubby is home now, he has a cold, no hang on (MAN FLU) and if he sniffs one more time I swear I am going to throw the box of tissues on his head. I can't stand sniffing. My 2 boys are exactly the same. It drives me crazy,

So i am ignoring him at the moment because i am not well and i don't want to hear him crap on.

@Decadian i am sorry, i never remember to ask how you are? i am sorry, it's not that i don't care because I do. Have you done much today? xxxoo

@BlueBay YOU ARE IMPORTANT TO ME!

Look you are feeling exactly how I was when that mental health nurse sent me home, I was so so angry I thought the same as you when I got into my car " I just thought I will end it now and then she will feel guilty" thankfully I didnt, I dont event know how i got home I was in such a state.

I know you cant see it now but dont do anything just to spite the doctor, I realised later if they treated us so calleously why would they feel guilty - they wouldnt! They are the ones that have a problem especially with empathy. Did you say that you were going to get another pysch? or did that fall through?

In the meantime can you get any comfort from Jersey? Give her a big cuddle! I'm cuddling mine lots going through my crap and its like he knows. He sticking to me like glue and staying away from my partner. They know and they comfort you.

I wish I could post an image but for some reason it flicks on quick but it doesnt let me download.

Just close your eyes and imagine me giving you a big hug! Have a big cry to get it out sometimes that does help. I find I usually cry not from being depressed or upset but mainly as frustration and once I let it out it feels better.

Keep posting @BlueBay like @Decadian there are a lot of people here who care about you and feel you are important to them. I can see that from the posts you receive. OMG I know its so hard when you are feeling liek this and you will probably hate me saying this but it eventually does pass you just need to hold on and get through it. If you dont get support at home vent here like I do - its my only support. I dont have family or friends to talk to or work colleagues just my dog!

I'm with you @BlueBay and we are in this together!

Hi @BlueBay

I can't say I know how you feel because I don't get the urge to SH - please don't - it won't make your psyche feel guilty - just make things harder

But please ring the CAT team and let them know - you are in such a bad place

And yes - I would write pretty much what @Change123 written - it is a very scary way to feel - I am sure of that

So Huffnpuff has man-flu - I wonder if guys ever get how we laugh among ourselves about that - but yeah - I find sniffing gross too - just recycling stuff - throw the tissues at him - that can't hurt anyway and might relieve your tension

I had forgotton - when I was young I had a friend with the same age children as mine - and all her children chewed with their mouths wide open - with this mechanical smutch smutch smutch coming at me from three different directions - really annoying. My children chewed with their mouths shut.

I know what you mean about the sniffing - eek

Ring up for help @BlueBay - if you can't hold on any longer

Decadian

Hi @Change123 @Decadian

OMG I swear I am going to throw something heavier than a box of tissues at him in a minute.

So I said if he could go to the shops to buy chicken so we can breadcrumb it. Then told him we need milk, bread and frozen chips. His answer: 'OMG, so now i have to go to three different shops". Because he wants to go to one particular shop for the chicken, he doesn't like the milk at the particular supermarket he buys the bread. And now my son just rang him and told him to buy dishwashing liquid as we ran out (i am laughing quietly) I can imagine him huffing and puffing in the car.

So what? - am i meant to feel guilty because i didn't go to the shops today. He knows I've been sick in hospital, i needed day off work today to rest which i did and i am not about to have a shower, get dressed and go to the shops, when he can go himself. Oh but i forgot he has the MAN FLU.

OMG I am so angry.

And on his way out he says loudly so i cann hear - oh i may as well buy tomorrow night's dinner while I'm out, saves me going again tomorrow night. Gee, smart thinking!!! Oh i can be a bitch at times 🙂

Call the CAT team - no cant do that. I tried 3 times today and hung up because I was scared. And it is all becasue of that idiot guy that 'told me off' a few weeks ago.

Yeah @Decadian I can't stand sniffing, always telling my boys off. And eating with mouth open - OMG hubby does that too. It annoys me so much, we are all eating quietly and you can hear him. It really bugs my daughter to the point that she tells him or she moves away!!!

Oh dear, i better stop because i could really go on and on.

See, you were right @Decadian it's almost 5pm and psych didn't ring.

@Change123 I have had jersey by my side most of the day. It's amazing that each time i have had a bad asthma cough she rushes over and sits right next to me. and i tell her it's alright. she is so cute.

Thank you for that great big hug. I did close my eyes and I cried. I cried and cried. Gee that's all i have done today.

I am going back to work tomorrow (i know i prob shouldn't) but i have no choice, because if i do go to hospital next week or week after i need to save up as much as i can before i go in.

ps. hubby just calls me to say he is in supermarket, which bread do you use? How long have we been married and for how long have i used a special type of bread!!!!

Time to end my rant. No wonder why I get angry 😞

maybe i should give the CAT team another try.