Far and Away

Good morning to you too @Former-Member hope today is kind to you.

Hi also to @Faith-and-Hope @Zoe7 @Appleblossom and anyone else passing here today.

Hope today goes more according to plan @Zoe7 Sounds like yesterday was pretty full on. Hope your headache has cleared up too.

@Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member @eth @Former-Member @Appleblossom Just posted some of this to Maggie but copying it here also to keep you all updated...

I have gotten up and started the garage cleanup this morning. The tarp is spread and and pegged in the backyard and I have begun to move things out onto it. I am dividing the area into sections with empty boxes in each section so when I bring things out like things can be grouped together. Then I will sort each section separately on the free area on the tarp.

I have already tipped all the water out of the trailer and need to drill a hole in the corner so when it rains it can drain out. Then things that need to go to the tip can be thrown straight on the trailer. There are some big things I did with the kids that I have been holding onto - a large papier mache panda being one of them - but it is damaged and I am now going to throw it out rather than repair it. It will be a shame to thrown it away but I can't see me repairing it and there really is nowhere I could keep it so it wouldn't get damaged again.

Toby has of course been supervising - it was great fun for him running over the tarp while I was trying to lay it. He tried to flatten it out for me by jumping all over it lol It did make me giggle s he was having so much fun.

A really big job is underway - and a bit daunting at the moment - but I will do a bit at a time, rest and then get stuck into it again. Trying very much not to get overwhelmed by it this morning but instead look forward to how good it will be when it is done.

The ultimate plan is to get everything out and sorted on the tarp today then clean up the garage - which includes the rather big job of cleaning up all the sawdust from when I cut the birdhouse pieces in there. There are things that need to be washed but with the warmer weather coming tomorrow that will give me a chance to get everything dried quickly and then put away earlyish.

I do need to go out to the supermarket, bank, chemist and Kmart but it may be a quick trip today to the supermsrket the others cn wait until tomorrow. I have enough meds for the next few days and I have a couple of days to get to the bank before my mortgage comes out - so it is all manageble.

I have a plan so now it really is just a matter of getting stuck into it, doing what I can when I can and making sure I have regular rests to help me be able to achieve it all.

Will keep you all updated as to progress when I can across the day

@Faith-and-Hope It is good that you do not have much extra on than uni work this week Hon - maybe you can catch up on visual diary work as well as some sleep

Having people visit will hopefully be nice for you and it would be great if you had the time to spend with them without hving too much work still to do.

I did like to resd you are trying to work out ways to feel like you belong where you are living - it is so important for us to feel that sense of home and connection around us. I have no doubt that is not going to be easy for you to do with all the chaos around you and yor friends and family being on the other side of the country but if anyone is to be able to do it then you can. You have such a positive outlook on life despite all you deal with and go through and I have no doubt either that anything you put your mind to you can achieve. It is just one more thing about you that I love and admire Hon

@eth My headache has gone which is grest becuse I would not have been able to start tody with a headache.

@Former-Member @Former-Member @Appleblossom Sending you all some hugs for today also

@Former-Member Just enjoy that win ... it will be gone soon enough

@eth

I have an interview with a peer support ... I am trying to put my hat on to think of it as I am an employer ... and it is totally up to me ... I am used to being an independent operator but that means ME doing the work .. not checking on anothers work ... gradually shifting my perspective ... my main point will be ... its not about helping me do things ... I am already good at that .. its about helping me NOT do THAT thing ... when I have achieved something ... as in ...done and dusted ... time to go ... etc ... not that I am at immediate risk ... but they are the way my thoughts tend to go ...

Hope you are doing well.

@Faith-and-Hope

hugs as usual .... any ideas ...

One day I will have a garage day @Zoe7

Letting it go tll ... I am allowed ... ie always submerge my wants and needs to working co=operatively with others ... in this particular case ... my son ... but I need to recognise that it is not an even relationship in terms of authority ... and rights and wisdon to make decisions.

@Appleblossom It is a difficult situation you are in Hon This garage project for me is necessary to be able to organise other things in the house and in a very big way organise my life better. It is hard wanting to do things but cannot find what I need because of the chaos around my house - and that feeds into chaos within the mind - something I certainly do not need and once I have a more structured environment to live and work in I am very much hoping it will help me feel a little more at ease with life in general. External factors certainly affect our mental state and for me having everything more sorted and ordered will definitely help. I like order and structure - it helps with my sense of safety and certainty so for me this big garage job is the beginning to gain some of that control back over both my home and life.

Hearing you about external chaos and inner chaos.

@Zoe7

Order can be good but also limitingwhen rigid ... and chaos can be frightening but liberating ... as usual its getting the balance.

Thanks for understanding ... my family ... it was a family therapist who first acknowledged the chaos/order dichotomy for me ... I am just coming to recognise how much of decisions and style was based on too much chaos ... that that is what seemed normal ...

I am sure I will function more efficiently when all my little messy areas are tidied up .. but I need to have enough connection and meaning structured deeply into my life to make sure it is not an end game ....

Hence I am accepting the NDIS approach for the moment and they are sending lots of people to my house ...

Listened to a lady getting community honours for running one of the old choirs I conducted ... the reason I left it is ... due to a fellow ... who suposedly loved me and wanted to marry me with all the maturity of a spolied little bull in a china shop .... ( ie vindictive and socially central so getting his other girls to gang up on me) he is still in contact ... but ... I am still a little wary ... he grew up and I had no one else ...

as he could only see me as a woman who had spurned him ... whereas for me it was always friendship only ... I was too disabled with neck ... to think about anything physical ... nothing personal ... but he did not get it ...

SO I am very slow at working out all the social gender and friendship stuff ... Being online and waiting to get to know people is a NEW thing for me ... as I was always sink or swim in new environments ... without knowing the local history ...

In some ways I think it is amazing I have survived ... he at least recognises that ... and says with respect now .. that I pobably should dead ... but it is always a very mixed bag with him ...

FOr me working out when people are actively hostile and I dont need to take it on in an intimate manner ... ie I can distance ... is new ...

@Appleblossom The balance between chaos and order is so important as it can certainly be at one extreme or another. I have always described my classroom as ordered chaos - always had a lot going on at once but it was structured, ordered and engaging. Unfortunately will all my school stuff presently being at home there is not much room for order - and certsinly no room to do anything I would like to do - so in that repsect having the garage done and being able to move some things out there from inside will both free up some room and also free up my mind a little.

Relationships in any form can be tricky - especially when we have difficult having that relationship with ourselves. When others want more from us than we can/will want ourselves it can be smothering. It certainly makes us feel wary when there is a history even when the expectations of others seem to have changed - I understand those feelings and can very much see that while being friendly but still keeping at an arm's reach is necessary.

It is great that we have the time and space to get to know people online and that that can be done in our own time and in most cases naturally as discussions happen, commanalities appear and true empathy is shown with people that we know understand and do not judge. Of course there are always going to be things we don't always agree with or do not understand but that is also the power of a place like the forum - we can choose to engage or not and can find our own place in the community according to our own needs/wants, values, beliefs and comfotability.

I for one are happy that you are here, that you survived and continue to do things that make you happy. It is a testament to your strength that despite those very dark times you got through and in your own way are thriving within the world you have surrounded yourself with. That is no small thing Apple and should be celebrated

@Faith-and-Hope @eth @Former-Member @Former-Member @Appleblossom @Sans911 @MDT and anyone else following along...

I have officially started Operation Garage. The tarp is spread out and I have things stacked into sections ready for sorting. There is still a lot I need to get out of the garage but I have made a big start. There are some bigger things tht need to be moved but my sister has offered to come around tomorrow morning to help if I need.

The big papir mache panda, a couple of larger boxes, some broken tools and equipment are all on the trailer so that has made so much more room already. Tomorrow I need to cut the wheels off an old wheelchair - keep the wheels and discard the rest - then move the table to get in behind to begin moving all the timber, plaster, chipboard (and whatever I find behind it all). There is also an old small combination pool/air hockey/table tennis table that is damaged and can go on the trailer as well ...I used to have it in the classroom but it would be honestly too time consuming to fix and so much easier to but a new one down the track if I was ever to have a class of my own again.

Toby was of course supervising today and trying to help me move things. Poor little mite must be buggered with all the walking back and forth he did following me everywhere lol

I lost another couple of hours this afternoon when my sister came around again. She wanted to tell me in person that they got the house and therefore will be moving. She knew it would be upsetting for me but I am also pleased for her. It is a lovely property with acreage so she can have horses there if she wants. It also has a double garage for her partner to do his work out of - so all in all it is pretty perfect for them. For me personally it has always been good knowing she is 5 minutes away and I can call in at any time. I know she will only be half an hour away but I won't be able to just jump in the car and call in for a few minutes when I am out and about doing other things like I do now. I can also see she won't be around as regularly on weekends either or that we can meet up and head to the beach with little notice. There will be a lot that will change and it is making me feel quite sad. On the positive side they will be only be about 5 minutes away from our parents so that will be good for them - especially as my sister is really into the horses and will be able to help Dad more.

I am going to have a shower and then head out to the chemist, Kmart and supermarket so I only have the bank to do tomorrow or Friday. Very heavy heart tonight so keeping busy is probably what I need - and having some things crossed off my list will hopefully help with that too.

I hope you have all had some light in your day and can relax a bit this evening. Hugs to all those that need one and much love to you all