Far and Away

@Faith-and-Hope ...

Forgot to mention that we are supposed to be throwing a special occasion birthday in for one of the dragons on our way through the west .... leave the day classes finish, with all submissions in order, land there, landmark birthday the next night for family and friends on a grand scale, then on a plane the next day for the three week merry-go-round - different season, different clock - arriving back to start classes again a couple of days later .....

@Zoe7

That is way too much Hon For your own peace of mind you need a break for yourself and honestly to be able to spend a few weeks in the west with friends around you and no Mr. there would be an ideal situation for you to have a rest. I personallly hope you and the gurls stay home and use that time to recover a little but I know you will do the best for your family and will support whatever you decide to do.

I know also that I would miss you and be very worried about how you are going - especially with MIL there too - that would be the clincher for me if I was in your shoes - knowing how she treats you. Too much to deal with hey - and certainly not what you need - no wonder your head is all over the place right now 0 it must feel like you are spinning out of control a little again

When do you see the counsellor? Is it soon?

Off to bed now Hon - need to get up early again to organise a few things. Will catch you after work and before I go out for dinner though. Have a great day tomorrow @Faith-and-Hope Goodnight my angel

Counsellor is next week @Zoe7 .....

Goodnight Hon. Sleep well and I will catch up with you tomorrow.

💚🌷

Up super early here @Faith-and-Hope Had another nightmare and decided to stay up rather than try to get back to sleep I am really glad you will be seeing the cousellor very soon - it is certainly much needed. I have a good feeling about this counsellor - I think she will be a good fit for you and I have everything crossed that that is the case. I know it means rehashing a lot but if she is capable of sticking with you then it will be worth it in the long run. Much love and many hug coming your way Hon. I hope you have a good day today too. I won't be able to check in until later today but will keep my eyes out for you across the day when I can

Hi @Zoe7

I am so sorry to hear you had a nightmare that gave you troubled sleep last night. I hope your day goes really well despite that happening. It might be a bit of anxiety raising its head this way .... and as more starts to smooth out and go well in your life, hopefully the nightmares will pass.

Well, we ended up in round table discussions last night with the kids .... which in itself is good. It gave Visual the voice she felt she didn’t have, but whether she goes or not hinges on whether I do ..... and that is not emotional blackmail, she just doesn’t have the language facility to feel able to go without me, and she made it clear that mr. would not be available enough to carry that role with her, particularly as MIL is booked to go. Incidentallly, they (mr and MIL) are booked to stay longer and return a different way, so me not going would down that plan too ..... but at the other end of things, it would mean that the new uni semester would be more stress-free as a result.

S2 and Visual spoke up about how they felt about what has changed in terms of our time spent together, and although we are living out of the same household, it’s only really when we travel that we spend any bonded time together, and so other changes to our life here were discussed, along with the dynamics of what happens when we travel.

Mr. does intend another purchase of a family property over there, but property is our post-career career (retirement career, if that’s not an oxymoron ?) and he had not commmunicated about it well enough to say that renovating and furnishing was not intended in this half of the year. It does mean that he is likely to book more trips away for himself, and possibly MIL, so this sort of adds to our separation-but-not thing that is going on.

One reality I do have to face is that he might never be diagnosed. He may continue to live the way he is, and as our nest empties we may simply join the ranks of empty-nesters who choose to live separate lives. Short of diagnosis and treatment, this may be our second best way forward, and I suspect, in the interests of our family remaining a unit regardless, it may involve continuing holidays together on this level, similarly to travelling with married children who have a life of their own outside the travel bubble of connectivity. Maybe that’s the best we can do .....

Having a bit of a rave here, but perhaps you can see that it is still not clear at all, and my feelings are still mixed about it.

Something the kids did speak up about was wanting to stay put once there and not have to do packing, u packing, and check-ins and check-outs. So this is starting to sound much more like the holiday that S2 was anticipating, and much more do-able.

The kids also both spoke up about it being like a holiday course in their second language and culture, but also far more powerful, like a language trip in high school is, being situational and practical.

If we are staying in one place there, it also means the kids and I can leave mr. and MIL to their own devices and do our own thing, including catching up with special friends we have there. That also helps to make it a more restful time.

The “landmark event” one is also negotiating, and might find other ways to celebrate their occasion, taking it out of the head-spin territory of throwing it in there on our way out of the country ....

So, in less than 24 hours, the landscape has rearranged itself already, and the decision has been postponed a week too, which lands after the counselling apt.

It really sounds like you have all had a good discussion on how things currently sit @Faith-and-Hope It is great that you have another week to think about all this and what direction you want to take. It certainly sounds more do-able than it did but still a lot to think about Hon. It is also good that you have your counsellor appointment in between - maybe some of your thoughts can be tlked through then an you can have a much clearer idea of the path forward that would suit you and your kids.

Hi @Zoe7

Nothing is straightforward ..... but it is sounding more doable, and the kids were really happy that we were able to talk it out ..... and mr. came to the art space to eat this time with no fuss at all, as if the other night hadn’t happened ?!

This is part of what can be so mind-bending. He chops and changes and it can be hard to set expectations, or “get” which page we are on. Unfortunately that appears to be part of the illness, and it is important to try to separate the person from the illness, and deal with each separately. Not easy, but doable, or it’s a matter of finding what is tweakable to make it doable. I think we are getting better at it, which shows that we all want to stay together if we can.

Part of the discussion was about the need to allow for everybody, working to find a win-win solution.

Mr is making some very worthwhile suggestions, and he has offered some very sound advice to the married ones in recent days .....

Rollercoaster up ......

Just having Mr. 'come to the party' and discuss some of this is progress - however small @Faith-and-Hope It is great that you have all been able to have a more open discussion rather than being dictated to and feeling you all have no say in the direction of your lives. It is also great that he has been able to provide that advice to the married ones. I know it is still a rollercoaster for you and you don't always know which Mr. you are going to get on any given day but there are signs that he is able to be more open with the making of decisions.